


Hearts On Fire

by LCourtan



Category: A Love Like War (Feat. Vic Fuentes) - All Time Low (Song), All Time Low (Band), Taylex - Fandom, We Are the In Crowd
Genre: Drama & Romance, F/M, Nostalgia, On-Again/Off-Again Relationship, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:49:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 36
Words: 54,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24304696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LCourtan/pseuds/LCourtan
Summary: My eyes follow Jack as he slides in next to Taylor, cracking some joke that makes her throw her head back with laughter. He’s right; she does seem like my type. Too bad my type is nothing but trouble....Alex & Taylor are brought together through their tour schedules (or fate). Will this passionate pair spark an unforgettable romance or burn down everything around them?
Relationships: Alex Gaskarth/Taylor Jardine
Comments: 54
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

The cold rain stings my face but helps to clear my vision. My head is still swimming in last night’s whiskey. Each breath feels like a stab in the chest, and I can’t decide if it’s the heartache or hangover. 

I make my way into the venue, face twisted in a sour expression. We’re prepping for the opening night of our month long tour through the UK. Normally I would be buzzing with energy during mic check, but it’s taking everything I have just to walk up to my bandmates and give them a curt nod. 

We’ve all spent too much time together for me to need to explain what is going on in my head. They avoid eye contact with me, giving me as much space as they can while we’re all required to be here working. 

“The Maine is running a little late, their flight this morning got delayed,” Rian says quietly to the group as we watch crew members moving equipment on the stage. 

“The other opener is here though, they’ll do their sound check first,” Zack nods. I take that as my cue to grab a seat in the audience. I throw my feet up on the seat in front of me as I lean back, pulling out my phone to try and distract myself.

We have two other bands joining us on tour. We’ve met the guys who make up The Maine before and have always gotten along with them. The other band is relatively new, having released their first album a few months back. We’re on the same record label, and the executives thought they would make a good addition to our tour. Our band didn’t have much choice in the matter, but I’m always happy to help new artists if I can. Lord knows enough people helped us in the early days before we hit it big. 

I hear a female voice cut through the din of activity. I glance up from my phone for the first time in thirty minutes, taking in what must be the lead singer of this new band. 

“Check, check, for We Are The In Crowd,” she says into the microphone, brushing long brown bangs out of her eyes. 

“Alright boys, let's do Carry Me Home,” she rolls her neck, clearing her throat. The drummer counts in and after a quick strum of the guitar I’m hit with a belting voice. I straighten up a bit in my seat, looking closer at the band and their lead singer. She’s a small woman, not very tall and quite slim but her voice is exceptionally strong. I glance over to my band mate Jack who is sitting a few feet away, and he nods approvingly as we listen to their first song build. 

I listen to the next couple songs as they play through their set. They lean closer to pop than punk, unlike us, but their lyrics are more interesting than the initial sound lets on. I’m curious who writes their stuff. 

Before long the crew is moving their equipment and rearranging things for us. I sigh and straighten out my chair, eager to get this over with. 

We go through mic check as usual, having done this hundreds of times. I let the music wash over me, reveling in allowing myself to fall back into the muscle memory of performing. 

I noticed that our first opener, We Are The In Crowd, had taken seats in the audience and our other opener, The Maine, had shown up. I gave them all a wave as we launched into one of my favorite songs, Therapy. 

Closing my eyes, I let myself pour my heart into the song. When I finally opened my eyes towards the end I could see everyone in our small audience swaying along. I met eyes with the lead singer of We Are The In Crowd and gave a small smile in response to the look of awe in her eyes. At least someone could appreciate how broken I was. 

…

I was buzzing backstage, unable to wrap my head around the fact we had just finished our first set of the tour. If all of All Time Low’s fans are going to be like this, we’re going to have a really fun tour. It didn’t take much work to get the crowd excited and dancing, even if they didn’t know most of our album.

  
“Great job, Taylor!” Jordan patted my shoulder as he passed me backstage. I let a big grin shine back at him. 

Music was my passion, but perfoming live was quickly becoming one of my favorite parts of the job. I remember when we first started, all I wanted to do was sit in the studio writing and recording all day. Making our first full length album was a dream for me. After three years of endless touring and trying to promote ourselves I was finally getting comfortable on stage. It helps that we’re beginning to garner some fans and attention of our own. 

I know we have a long way to go before getting the kind of following All Time Low has. These guys are legends in the industry, with four albums in the last few years topping the charts. They’ve been headlining tours and festivals for about as long as I can remember paying attention to the alternative scene. It’s incredible seeing them on tour. 

I sneak into the wings of the stage when All Time Low takes the stage. Their mic check was raw and emotional. Even a complete stranger like me could feel the intensity radiating off Alex. By the time they hit the stage though, it was a completely polished set- almost day and night from what I saw this afternoon. It left me wondering which one was really just an act. 

After the show all the bands and crew head to a pub across the street from the hotel. It’s customary to celebrate the opening night of a tour like this. We may be relatively new on the music scene, but heading out just a large group of guys, the only other woman in sight a lucky groupie, isn’t new. 

I sigh and sip a vodka soda take in stock of the crowd. Of course, my four band mates are scattered around the bar in various conversations. I notice the members of the other two bands mixing and mingling and the occasional glance towards where I lean on the bar. Several of the crew members who will be joining us for the entirety of the tour are here as well, but as predicted I’m the only woman in sight. I’m sure they’re all wondering what my story is; too bad for them I don’t hook up with tour mates.

Cameron, our guitarist, comes to lean against the bar next to me. I give him a nod in greeting as I take a long drink, knowing I’ll need it tonight. 

“Have you gotten introduced to everyone?” He asks. 

“I think so, they all seem pretty friendly,” I shrug. 

“The only one I haven’t seen is Alex,” he trails off, looking around the bar. I try not to fight back a laugh. 

“You mean the guy sitting in the corner booth with two large glasses of whiskey?” I raise an eyebrow, directing my gaze to the guy with a hood pulled up covering most of his face. 

“Oh,” Cameron frowned. 

“They guy really knows how to milk the suffering artist thing,” I roll my eyes. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I know his lyrics are super deep and he sings about his mental health all the time or whatever, but seems like he’s committing to the part a little too much. He can pull it together for showtime too easily,” I muse, something about Alex’s behaviour still not sitting right with me. 

“Try not to be too jealous that he has girls throwing their bras on stage for him and not for you,” Cameron teases me, elbowing me in the ribs. 

“I’m not jealous!” I protest. 

“No need to fight the guy off before he’s even so much as said hello,” Cameron shakes his head, well aware of the icy demeanor I typically give guys on the road to keep potential suitors at bay. 

…

“You should go talk with Taylor,” Jack elbows me as he leans next to me on the bar, catching me for the first time all night while I wait for a refill on my drink. 

“Oh?” I say, finishing my whiskey and continuing to gaze off into space. 

“She’s definitely your type,” Jack chuckles. 

“So a real heart breaker then?” I shake my head. 

“Come on, don’t give me that shit. Are you really still out here thinking about Lisa?” Jack says in disbelief. 

“How could I not be?” I say angrily. 

“Dude, we are up there every night playing the break up songs you wrote about her last album! I thought you got that out of your system!” 

“We were seeing each other while we were home before this tour,” I sigh. 

“Let me guess, same shit as last time?” He rolls his eyes.

“It’s not her fault she doesn’t trust me,” I say in frustration. 

“Well, if you’re looking for a distraction…” he trails off, his gaze turning towards where Taylor is laughing with a few of her bandmates. 

“That’s exactly what got me in this mess,” I nearly growl, taking another long sip of whiskey. 

“Look, you can stay over here and mope or come get your mind off things. I don’t care either way,” Jack shakes his head as he walks back to rejoin the group. My eyes follow him as he slides in next to Taylor, cracking some joke that makes her throw her head back with laughter. He’s right; she does seem like my type. Too bad my type is nothing but trouble. 

_ Thanks to you I’ve lost my touch _

_ I struggle to find the sense in making sense and giving a semblance of a fuck _

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got bored while stuck home under stay-at-home orders and got really into old All Time Low music I loved years ago. I remembered all the drama around whether Alex Gaskarth and Taylor Jardine were ever an item and got inspired to write a very nostalgic fanfic set in 2012 when the two bands went on tour together. I'm sure there will be tons of inaccuracies about what really happened. Hopefully this is as fun for the readers as it has been for me to write :)
> 
> If you want to really get in the mood of this story, go listen to All Time Low's album Don't Panic; It's Longer Now which was all presumably written during this time period.


	2. Chapter 2

Another day, another mic check. My knees bounce as I anxiously sit in the audience, watching We Are The In Crowd fight to get a guitar properly tuned. It takes all my self control not to start loudly complaining that this was something that could have gotten done before we all had to arrive for sound check. Rian is sitting next to me, giving me a worried look as he can tell I’m reaching my edge for the day. 

Finally the band begins with their first song, which starts out with an easy solo for each of the singers. The chorus starts and instead of nodding my head along to the catchy beat, I find myself caught fixating on one bad harmony. I hope it was one bad run through, but when the chorus comes back around it happens again and I realize it’s how the music is written. Before I can stop myself I’ve jumped out of my seat. 

“Hold on!” I say, darting up to the stage. It takes a moment for all of the band to notice me, but by the time I’m jumping on stage they’ve all stopped, staring at me like something is growing out of my head. 

“That harmony is off,” I say, earning me an instant glare from the lead singer. 

“No it’s not,” she nearly spits at me. 

“Taylor, right?” I say, earning barely a nod in response. 

“Sing the second line of the chorus again,” I close my eyes, although I can tell from the huff I hear from her that she must have rolled her eyes at me. I try not to smile at how cute I find it that she’s irritated. 

I listen closely to her sing the phrase once, and then a second time. On her third time through I hum along with her, before my eyes bursting open when the right note comes to me. 

“Your harmony is coming in flat because that’s a minor key- what you’re doing would typically work but in this instance it sounds a little sour. Here, try it with me,” I say excitedly. Nearly all emotion has left Taylor’s face as she stares back at me. 

…

I can’t believe this. 

I know that lead singers can be absolute pricks. I know that rock stars can get a big head. I even know that men in general think they know more than you based on nothing more than their biology.

None of that prepared me for Alex Gaskarth storming the stage during our sound check to do what exactly? Publically humiliate me? Show off his own musical prowess? Is that a smirk I see from him- is he really trying to impress me right now?

Against my better judgement, I sing the phrase once more, and this time Alex joins in. Despite not knowing the lyrics, his harmony does fit with mine, but doesn’t match the song as a whole. 

“See, that’s it!” He says, nearly bouncing on his toes at his own ability to harmonize. I let out a frustrated sigh before taking this one on. 

“But that’s not what the notes are supposed to be,” I object. 

“It’s what they should be though,” he says simply. 

“This is on our album that’s been out for months, it’s a little late to change it now,” I reply angrily. 

“Just because it’s on the album that way doesn’t mean you have to keep singing it wrong when performing,” he suggests, as if it’s the most helpful advice in the world. My blood starts to boil. 

“We’re singing it _wrong?!”_ I nearly yell. 

“Well, the way you were doing it leaves the chord unresolved, and then when you-”

“I don’t need you to explain how harmonies work to me!” I cut him off. 

“Whoa, hold on here Tay,” Jordan steps between us, clearly realizing how the tension had built. 

“What?” I glare at him. 

“I actually like his harmony better.” 

The entire theater falls silent. It’s like everyone is afraid to so much as breathe wrong as I look around the room, taking in everyone’s reaction. 

“You do?” I say, deathly quiet. 

“Could you, uh, could you two sing it one more time?” Mike asks. I turn back to Alex, channeling as much loathing as I can muster into my eyes as I look at him, but slowly nod. We sing through the phrase again. 

“I hate to say it, but I think Alex is right,” Cameron concedes. 

“Would you mind walking me through what you’re doing there?” Jordan asks Alex, clearly already taking Alex’s side. Head reeling, I turn on my heel to walk off stage and get some air. 

“Wait, wait a second!”

I feel a hand tighten around my left arm and instinctively I turn and raise my right hand, inches from slapping Alex across the face. Seeing his shock almost made it worth it to not hit him. 

“What do you want now,” I yank my arm free of his grasp.

“Shit, I didn’t realize you’d be that mad,” he runs his hand through his hair. 

“Did it ever occur to you I spent weeks writing that song, and then another couple weeks in the studio perfecting those exact harmonies you decide to criticize after hearing us play live what, twice?!” I’m desperately trying not to yell and cause a scene, but am afraid everyone in the venue has their eyes locked on us now. 

“I swear, all I wanted was to help,” he pleads. 

“You can help by not commenting on my music,” I snarl before walking off the stage. 

“I’m going to need five!”

...

That night, Jordan tries to sing the melodies how Alex showed him but ends up messing it up. It isn’t a big enough mistake to ruin our performance, but I can’t help but feel a little pissed. This time, I didn't stay backstage to watch All Time Low perform. 

I do my best to blow off some steam at the pub, downing drinks easily and letting myself get sucked into some funny story John from The Maine is telling. I feel my phone start to buzz in my pocket and I excuse myself to duck outside and take the call.

I walk out into the cold alley behind the venue only to stumble into Alex who is leaning against the wall, notebook in hand. He looks deep in thought as he scribbles furiously before looking up and noticing where I had stopped in my tracks. His eyes are red rimmed and shoulders slumped. I can’t help but reach out, putting a hand on his shoulder, immediately forgetting about my phone.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” I ask gently. 

“It’s nothing,” he shakes his head quickly, closing the notebook. 

“Are you writing something?” I ask.

His chest deflates and he nods. I reach out for the notebook, and he cautiously hands it to me. I flip it open to the last page and begin to read the lyrics that take my breath away. 

_When I was younger I was certain_

_That I'd be fine without a queen_

_Just a king inside his castle_

_With an ocean in between_

_Now all I do is sit_

_And count the miles from you to me_

_Oh, calamity_

_We get older by the hour_

_Watch the changes from afar_

_Keep forgetting to remember_

_Where we've been is who we are_

_Now all I do is wonder_

_Why we ever set the scene_

_Oh, calamity_

_It's such a shame that we play strangers_

_No act to change what we've become_

_Damn, it's such a shame that we've built a wreck out of me_

_Oh, calamity_

_Oh, calamity_

“Alex, this is beautiful,” I sigh, looking up at him and really looking closely for the first time. These words are written by a tortured soul and I can see it in his eyes. Maybe this whole thing isn’t some kind of act; maybe he is struggling with something I don’t understand. 

“What happened with her?” I whisper, almost afraid of his answer. 

“What hasn’t happened?” he chuckles darkly, taking the notebook back out of my hands. 

“That’s not an answer,” I dare to push. 

“She doesn’t trust me. We left for this tour and she told me she can’t trust me while I’m gone. Told me to go live it up. How can she honestly expect me to enjoy any of this after she ripped my heart out?” His eyes turn dark as he is clearly remembering their last conversation. 

“Well, she’s an idiot for not trusting you,” I try to comfort him. He shoots me a glare. 

“That’s the thing. It’s my fault she doesn’t trust me. She has good reason not to,” he pushes himself off the wall, stalking back down the alley. I can’t help the rush of butterflies that hit my stomach when he looked at me with that intensity. 

_ Now I struggle to recall _

_ The reasons you would come to leave _


	3. Chapter 3

I did my best to avoid Taylor after our run in at the pub, but it’s hard to avoid someone you’re touring with. My lyrics might get played on the radio around the world, but they’re also deeply personal to me. It took a long time for me to feel comfortable sharing them with my band members, and I usually don’t let anyone else read them until we’ve got the song mostly worked out. 

I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m a massive jerk after I inserted myself in their sound check the other day. She seemed kind last night, but I was a bit of a mess. You would have had to be pretty heartless to respond any differently. I couldn’t tell if it was a moment of weakness towards me, or if there was a softer side I just hadn’t seen yet. 

I snuck into the back of the theater for sound check, sitting in the very back row to try and stay hidden during We Are The In Crowd’s set. I could feel the tension radiating off Taylor even from a distance. I shifted even lower in my seat, pulling out my phone to keep from watching her any closer. 

“Alex!”

  
I pretended I didn’t hear Mike, our tour manager, yelling my name.

“Don’t act like you can’t hear me, get up here!” he yelled once more. I sighed, rolling my eyes at him as I strolled up towards the stage, trying to avoid the glare Taylor was shooting at me.

“What’s up?”

“Can you sing that harmony part from Kiss Me Again that you were doing the other day?” he asks. I shrug, trying to act like this wasn’t something I wanted to do as all eyes were glued to me. I easily went through the part again, although I didn’t know all the words. 

“Is that what you wanted?” I asked, internally begging to get out of here. 

“Taylor, try the whole chorus with Alex,” Mike encouraged us, and despite her reluctance we began to sing. I followed her lead, harmonizing as she went and letting her sing the last few lines of the chorus by herself. Mike kept nodding the whole time, a smile growing on his face. 

“Alright, I have an idea. Hear me out- what if we had Alex come out and sing this with you as your closing number tonight?” Mike suggested. 

I immediately turned to Taylor for her reaction. Her jaw had nearly hit the floor and she appeared to be in total shock. It wasn’t immediately clear if she was angry or not, but considering how poorly it went the first time I injected myself in their music I didn’t think she was happy. 

“I don’t know if that’s the best idea,” I tried to ease my way out of the situation. 

“Why not? You know the fans will lose it when you come out way earlier than they had been expecting you to. Besides, that harmony you two do is fantastic- no offense Jordan,” Mike seemed to just realize he was openly saying he preferred my singing over the other lead vocalist of We Are The In Crowd. 

“No, I agree. I think Alex sounds amazing with Taylor and it would be awesome to perform with you, if you’d join us,” Jordan smiled at me. I couldn’t believe the guy was just giving up his spot on the song so easily. 

“Think about the buzz it will get us too- not only opening from All Time Low, but performing a song with them? Just think about how many of their fans will be looking us up to find the song you sang with Alex,” Cameron, their guitarist, added, clearly trying to appease Taylor whose face had gone from shock to completely blank. 

“There’s more than just the chorus- are you proposing he take all the verses as well?” Taylor turns towards Mike. She had still yet to make eye contact with me since I came onstage. 

“That only makes sense,” Jordan shrugged. 

“I guess if you guys think it’s good for the band,” Taylor reluctantly sighed. 

“Well Alex? Will you do it?” Mike asked. 

This seemed like a terrible idea. I’m not sure I should be singing a love song with a woman I barely know. Yet I remember when we were starting out, and how having the headliner on a tour playing with us would add so much credibility to our act. Things might be weird between Taylor and I but that didn’t mean I didn’t want to help their band. 

“Why not?” I answered with a grin to a resounding cheer from the rest of the band except for Taylor, who only nodded stoically. 

“C’mon, get Alex the extra mic so we can get it checked for when he comes out on the last song, then I’ll have you guys rehearse while The Maine is doing their sound check,” Mike started barking out orders. 

I pulled up the lyrics to the song on my phone, and Jordan helped me through the first verse as they were getting the sound levels adjusted for me. We were able to run through the full song once on stage, although I messed up several times. After finishing the sound check we grabbed a room backstage and Jordan, Taylor and I went through the song a few more times. The melody was pretty catchy and I picked that up easily, and I remembered the lyrics with some practice. 

“So do you think you can do this?” Taylor asked me nervously. 

“C’mon sweetheart, this isn’t my first rodeo,” I teased her. 

“The last thing I want is to disappoint _your_ fans after all,” she raised an eyebrow at me. 

“Well if that’s the case, you could try acting like you aren’t in pain every time you look at me. This is supposed to be a love song you know,” I pushed back. Taylor simply rolled my eyes at me and grabbed her things, heading out of the room. 

“I’ll announce you before you come on, just wait for my cue. See you out there,” she said over her shoulder as she walked away. I couldn’t quite explain why I was feeling this way, but the show couldn’t start soon enough. 

…

“Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we’ve got a special treat for you. Joining us here, onstage, is the one and only Alex Gaskarth!” 

Screams ripped through the crowd as I heard Taylor’s voice boom out over the audience. I came running out of the wings as the band started to play the intro to Kiss Me Again. I stopped at the front of the audience to give a few high fives before grabbing Jordan’s mic and moving towards Taylor to begin singing. 

We made eye contact as I sang the first few lines and she smiled at me. For a moment I froze. I don’t think this girl had done anything but detest me from the very first day we met, and here she was smiling at me. She was hot and sweaty under the stage lights, but clearly full of the adrenaline of performing. She was always an attractive person but all of sudden she struck me as unbelievably beautiful. 

She sang back her lines, refusing to break the eye contact. My senses came back to me and I loosened up a little, turning back towards the audience as we launched into the chorus together. The whole crowd was cheering and dancing, as electric as they were when singing along to my songs. Taylor had clearly done a great job warming them up. 

Taylor maintained her flirty body language throughout the song, and by the final chorus we were standing on the edge of the stage, belting out towards the audience. I couldn’t help myself but throw my arm around her shoulders casually which sent the crowd into an uproar. I thought I felt her stiffen beneath me momentarily before she relaxed into my touch. We finished the song and I pulled her closer in a quick one armed hug. She looked up at me, beaming. 

“Let’s hear it for We Are The In Crowd!” I cheered, sending the audience wild. 

We came offstage buzzing with energy. The entire band was high fiving me and congratulating Taylor and I on the performance. She tried her best to stay calm but kept breaking out into a smile. 

“Alright, you have to join us every performance, it’s decided,” Jordan stated. All the other band members nodded their agreement. 

“Only if you’ll have me,” I looked at Taylor, wanting to hear her say she wanted me on stage too, that she felt as electric as I did during that song. 

“Only if you’ll work on that bridge with me, you went a little flat at the end,” she said, sizing me up. All the guys laughed at her, clearly giving me a hard time. 

“Wow, you had me fooled up there for a minute that you might actually not hate my guts,” I pushed her. 

“It is a love song, gotta play the part,” she winked at me before heading off backstage. 

It was the first time on this tour I actually felt excited to be here. I tried to shake off my smile as I headed back to get ready for my own set. 

…

The whiskey flowed freely at the pub that night. We bought round after round of shots. Everyone was in an especially good mood after the debut of my feature with We Are The In Crowd. Taylor surprised me, taking as many shots as the rest of the guys were. After our moment onstage tonight, I could barely take my eyes off her and couldn’t help but notice as she got louder and increasingly relaxed as the shots kept coming. 

“Another one!” Taylor cheered after downing what must have been her sixth or seventh shot. 

“Maybe we should slow down a little,” I suggested, watching her wobble on the bar stool she was sitting on. 

“Don’t tell me what to do,” she shot back at me. I put my hands up, surrendering as she ordered another round. The guys in her band all laughed, clearly used to this side of her. 

“Then make mine a double,” I signaled to the bartender. 

“Is that a challenge?” She asked, her words starting to run together slightly. 

“Absolutely not,” I tried to dissuade her as she also called out to the bartender to get her a double. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes as she gave me a self-satisfied grin. 

“What are we toasting to,” she said, holding up the larger shot glass. Her eyes met mine intensely, and I felt the same rush of adrenaline I got when we were onstage together. 

“To the whiskey princess,” I nodded towards her, the nickname coming out of nowhere. Her eyes lit up at the toast, a shy grin crossing her face before we downed the drinks. 

“I need to use the ladies room,” Taylor excused herself, attempting to slide off the bar stool but falling into the side of the bar. I watched her with concern as she stumbled back towards the bathroom. 

“I think she needs to go home,” I said to Jack who was sitting next to me. 

“You trying to take her home?” He asked, elbowing me.

“Jesus, no, I’m just trying to look out for the girl. She had a lot of whiskey,” I defended myself, although I couldn’t deny that my heart had jumped at Jack’s suggestion. Hooking up with someone I was touring with was a horrible idea, but the liquor was starting to blur the lines. 

As Taylor headed back to the bar, I stood up to intercept her. 

“Hey, I think we should head back to the hotel,” I said. She looked at me skeptically. 

“Are you trying to cut me off?” She accused me. 

“No, I’m just afraid to walk by myself and need you to protect me,” I tried, making her laugh. I breathed out a sigh of relief that she wasn’t going to start another argument with me. 

“Alright, come on you scaredy cat,” she smiled. We made a quick exit from the bar, pulling our jackets close around us as a gust of cold winter air hit us. Taylor instinctively moved closer to me to avoid the wind, and it took a lot of effort not to wrap my arm around her like I had earlier. 

We reached the hotel and headed up to the third floor where all the musicians were staying. Her room was on the opposite end of the hall but I walked with her to the door, reluctant to leave her side just yet. 

“Hey, I know I was a bitch about it earlier but you really did a good job tonight,” she said, giving me a nervous smile as we stood outside her door. 

“You were amazing out there,” I returned the compliment, my eyes glued to her face as she bit her lip to try and hide a smile. 

“I didn’t know you were such a good actor, there was a moment I even thought you wanted to kiss me,” she licked her lips. 

“Like this?” I said in a low voice, my arm bracing on the wall above her head as I leaned in, inches from her face.

“It was even more convincing onstage,” she smirked, before I closed the distance onstage, taking her up on her challenge. 

Her lips were soft on mine as my other hand rested lightly on her hip. I was a little surprised she didn’t immediately pull away, and I wasn’t about to let this moment pass. I deepened the kiss, and her arms wrapped around my shoulders, her hands tangling in my hair. I moved closer to her, backing her up against the wall and clutching her hip to me tightly. I wasn’t sure how to get closer to her but only knew this driving need to be as close as possible. 

I reached down to slip my fingers under her thighs, pulling her legs up around my waist, using her back against the wall as leverage. She broke the kiss to trail soft kisses down my neck. 

“Taylor...shit,” I groaned as the kisses turned to a hard bite on my collar bone. I leaned down to kiss her again, the intensity of the moment continuing to build. All I could think about was her hands running down my back and the sound of her heavy breathing and the feel of her lips against mine. I didn’t want this to stop. 

We heard the elevator down the hall ding and start to slide open. I dropped Taylor’s legs and took a step back from her, both of us quickly straightening our clothes. Luckily it was a stranger who came out of the elevator, although they looked at us suspiciously before heading towards their room. 

I laughed nervously, not sure where to go from here. 

“I think I should go to bed,” Taylor said slowly, “alone.”

I tried to fight off the look of disappointment I’m sure was written all over my face. I had no reason to expect her to invite me in- I just didn’t want to stop kissing her. 

“Okay,” I nodded, leaning in to kiss her once again, this time slow and gentle. I pulled away after a few seconds, grinning madly as she smiled up at me, and turned to head back to my room. I had no idea how I was going to sleep now with this adrenaline coursing through me. Things were looking up. 

_ Whiskey princess, drink me under, pull me in _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any feedback and comments would be appreciated :)


	4. Chapter 4

_What did you do this time, Taylor?_

I groaned as I rolled over, my head pounding and the whole room spinning. My thoughts were foggy but the events of the night slowly replayed through my mind; our great performance with Alex, doing shots at the bar- way too many shots- and walking back to the hotel with him. I thought about our kiss and a wave of nausea rolled over me. I wasn’t quite sure if that was from the reality I had made out with him or from remembering how I had immediately emptied my guts once I got back in my hotel room, that last shot of whiskey refusing to stay in my stomach. 

What was it I had told Alex before he kissed me, that he was a good actor onstage? He was an even better actor at the bar last night, chatting with me all night and laughing at my jokes. For a minute there between the liquor and his attention I thought he might be into me. 

It’s clear to see in the light of day he was just looking for a hookup. He obviously just wanted to take me home to try and get in my bed when we left the bar earlier than everyone else last night. I couldn’t forget what a pain in the ass he had been the entire tour either- constantly brooding, barely bothered to socialize with the other bands and the only conversations we had were him interrupting to tell me that our song was wrong. Not to mention that he was still writing songs about some ex girlfriend. 

I was a writer myself- I knew how personal those lyrics he showed me were. You don’t write that kind of stuff when you’re searching for an easy hit song. The guy in the alley behind the bar that night was torn up over this other woman- and that was only two days ago. 

_Don’t kid yourself,_ I thought, _he’s just looking for a distraction._

Well, I wasn’t some toy for him to play with. 

…

I managed to avoid Alex that entire day, claiming I felt ill- which was true, thanks to the hangover- and bailing on an afternoon of sightseeing with the other bands. Luckily we didn’t have to perform that night so I only emerged from my hotel room to grab dinner with Cameron and Jordan. They teased me about how horrible I looked after I managed to crawl out of bed, but otherwise didn’t comment about the night or Alex. I was relieved to not have to explain any of it. 

The next day we packed up and headed to our next city. I was dreading going to sound check, especially after I remembered that we all agreed to play Kiss Me Again with Alex every night for the rest of the tour. 

We made it through our set with no interruption, and without seeing any of the members of All Time Low. When we made it to the last song, I looked around the audience and backstage but couldn’t find Alex. 

“What are we supposed to do- we need Alex to rehearse the song,” I asked Mike. 

“Oh, sorry, they’re in an interview right now. I’ll just have the guys note the levels from their sound check to use with you,” Mike brushed me off. I felt some relief at not having to face Alex yet, but also annoyance that our sound check wasn’t important enough for him. It was a quick reminder that our band was years away from reaching the kind of success All Time Low had. 

One of the few perks of being the only woman on tour is that I always got my own dressing room. I managed to hide away there for the rest of the afternoon before the show. I finally worked up the courage to head out backstage 15 minutes before our set to do our customary warm-ups with the rest of the band. 

About a minute before we were due to open the show, Alex came running backstage, and caught my eye clearly looking for me. I let out a sigh, not wanting to deal with this right now. 

“Hey, so sorry I missed the sound check, our interview this afternoon took forever. Are we all set for me to join you in Kiss Me Again?” He hurried over to ask. 

“Same as last time,” I gave him a tight smile. 

“Alright, I think this time will be even better,” he grinned at me, clearly not noticing how tense I was. Mike began to wave me over, signaling it’s time to get started. 

“I’ll see you out there!” Alex said excitedly as I turned from him as quickly as I could. I couldn’t let him get in my head right before performing. 

Our set went well, and I was able to relax for the first time all day as I fell into the familiar rhythms and melodies. It was only as we sang our second to last song that I remembered I would be singing with Alex next. Not only were we singing together, but it was a love song. I wasn’t sure how I was going to act, but now all I could see in my head was him leaning in to kiss me and pushing me against the wall, lifting my legs around him. I messed up one of the lines I was singing. I shook my head, telling myself to get it together. 

“Alright everyone, just because you’ve been an especially amazing crowd, we’ve got a surprise for you! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Alex Gaskarth!” I smiled as big as I could, hoping it would make me sound excited and not incredibly nervous. Of course, the fans went wild as Alex came jogging out. Luckily he went over to the edge of the stage to high five some fans so I wasn’t immediately forced to make eye contact. 

Once we started singing, it was a similar act as two days before. I tried not to think about the words too much, shooting him a few smiles as we sang to each other. I couldn’t tell if he was actually excited to be doing this but energy was radiating off him. Losing myself in the music, I tried to mirror his warmth. As we reached the end of the song, he threw his arm around my shoulder once again, leaning his head against mine. I wasn’t entirely prepared for this much affection, but did my best to play it off. I’m sure my bandmates could see how tense I really was. 

We thanked the crowd and introduced The Maine, heading offstage to the screams of the fans. Everyone else around me looked pleased with our performance, but I could barely see straight with the anger building inside me. I moved away from Alex as quickly as I could, heading down the back hallway towards my dressing room. All I wanted was to grab my stuff and get out of that venue to get some air. 

“You did great tonight,” I heard Alex’s voice close behind me right as I was about to reach my dressing room. I turned on my heel to face him, seeing the light in his eyes and feeling my blood start to boil.

“Let’s not act like it’s anything more than singing a song,” I said, eyes narrowing.

“Excuse me?” He asked, confusion written all over his face

“Don’t act like it’s not an act,” I rolled my eyes. Alex searched my face anxiously, not responding for a moment. 

“Can we talk?” He nodded towards my dressing room. I simply nodded, stepping into the small dressing room and leaning against the counter under the mirror. He followed me in, closing the door and leaning against it, trying to leave space between us. 

“Are you mad at me? I’m sorry I didn’t see you yesterday, I realized I don’t even have your phone number to call and when the guys said you weren’t feeling well I didn’t want to show up at your room and wake you up if you were sleeping or something,” Alex said slowly, like he was trying to put together some puzzle. 

“You think I’m mad because I didn’t see you yesterday?” I repeated it back to him, incredulous. 

“Well, considering the last time I saw you things between us seemed to be just fine,” he grinned to himself, clearly replaying our kiss in his head. 

“Jesus, Alex, that’s exactly the issue,” I rolled my eyes at his ignorance. 

“What, am I a bad kisser or something?” He took a step towards me, clearly trying to flirt. I was about to lose my mind. 

“I didn’t agree to sing that song with you so I could be your rebound!” I almost yelled, trying to keep my voice down as I knew there were lots of people just outside the door. 

“My rebound?”

“Don’t forget I saw you writing songs about your ex only a few days ago. And not the kind of song you write when you’re over someone,” I spit, my hands shaking. 

His face paled, his expression going completely blank. He took a step back against the wall, crossing his arms. 

“You’re going to hold that against me?”

“You’re not even going to defend yourself?!” 

We stared at each other in silence. Neither one wanted to be the first to give in, and the air just grew heavier with our unanswered questions. After another minute Alex finally sighed, running his hands through his hair. 

“Alright, glad I know where we stand,” he muttered, turning and storming out of the dressing room. I fought every urge I had to scream after him, instead settling with slamming my hands on the counter.

_ You’ve got the high ground _

_ And I’m on my best defense _

_ But I dare you to come down _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love this chapter, personally. So what do you think- is Alex using her? Is Tay overreacting? Where do they go from here!


	5. Chapter 5

I couldn’t stop replaying the events of the last few days in my head despite nodding along to the conversation like I was paying attention. The other night when I walked Taylor home had felt like some kind of dream or a scene out of a movie. That kiss was incredible. I had been dying to see her, and thought we still had electric chemistry on stage tonight. Plus, she was one of the few people I let read my unfinished song lyrics- it was on a whim, sure, but I thought it made her appreciate there’s more to me than the party boy on the surface. She threw that back in my face the first chance she got. 

Another beer appeared in front of me as Cameron came back to our table with another round. He sat down next to me, not yet jumping into the conversion about favorite guitars and I saw an opportunity. 

“Hey, do you mind if I ask- what’s Taylor’s deal?” I said in a quiet voice to Cameron. He looked at me, eyebrow raised, as I glanced over my shoulder to where Taylor was sitting with a few other guys. We hadn’t said a word to each other since we were in the dressing room. 

“She’s got a pretty strict rule about not hooking up with anyone we tour with,” he said, a warning tone in his voice. 

“Well what if we’re past that point?” I sighed. Cameron looked genuinely surprised. “It was just one kiss the other night after the bar, but I thought she might be into me. I got shut down pretty hard after our performance tonight.” 

“Damn, I didn’t think she would ever break her own rule. That’s why none of us worried when you walked her home,” he shook his head. 

“What’s the point of a rule like that?” I mused, remembering a few fun flings I had on tour over the years. 

“Look, you know as well as I do that breaking into this industry is tough. To be honest, we’ve gotten more push back on having a lead female vocalist than I ever expected. Not that Jordan isn’t a great singer, but let’s be honest- Tay can out sing him any day of the week. There’s a reason they both sing for us. She takes all that sexism stuff pretty personally, and doesn’t want her reputation tied to some dumb hookup and not the music we’re making. At least, that’s my guess,” he tried to explain. 

“Did something happen with an ex?” I asked, trying to understand this better. 

“She’s a pretty private person. Even though we spend all our time together and I would describe us as close, she doesn’t always tell me what’s really going on. Most of what I know comes through our songs. She writes most of what we sing. I mean, you’ve heard the songs; she hasn’t always had an easy go of it.”

To be honest, I hadn’t listened closely to most of their music. The only one I knew well was Kiss Me Again, which obviously didn’t allude to any past issues. Sounds like I would need to listen to more of their songs. 

I spent the rest of my night lost in thought and doing my best not to keep watching Taylor across the bar. 

…

When I was relaxing in my room the next day I pulled out my laptop and looked up a few of We Are the In Crowd’s music videos. Listening to Taylor’s voice was intoxicating, and I ended up watching way more than I anticipated before listening to their full album. I was impressed. Some of their songs still sounded a bit amateur, but it was clear that there was a lot of talent in the band. All they needed was a little more refining. Now I understand why the label sent them on tour with us; there is a ton of potential here. 

One of their songs stuck with me called Both Sides of the Story. To be honest, it sounded almost like something I would write. The melody was catchy and the lyrics were a bit of a “fuck you” to whoever they were about, which is always something I’ve appreciated. I couldn’t stop thinking about what Cameron said about Tay sharing more in her songs than she ever does in person. These lyrics were making me incredibly curious. 

Today when I showed up to sound check I actually listened to all of We Are The In Crowd’s set. I recognized most of the songs from my morning spent watching their videos and continued to be impressed. It also gave me an excuse to shamelessly watch Taylor without looking like a total creep, or at least so I hoped. 

I kept an eye on her as the sound check ended and saw her take a seat towards the back of the audience. As The Maine started their set, I casually headed up towards her, grabbing a seat a few chairs down. I saw her glance at me but she stayed quiet, not wanting to disturb the band onstage. They finished their first song and paused to ask a few questions to the sound engineer, and I saw my chance. 

“Both Sides of the Story is pretty catchy,” I turned and said to her quietly. The confusion was written all over her face, clearly taken by surprise at my comment. 

“Thanks,” she said slowly. 

“How does the chorus go again?” I said, humming the melody. I could tell she was fighting the urge to roll her eyes. 

“I found out finding out isn’t the worst part; don’t believe, it’s just me,” she half sang. 

“Yeah, that’s it. I really like that line,” I nodded. She raised an eyebrow at me. 

“Glad to hear it,” she looked at me like I had three heads. 

“You wrote that, right? What’s it about?” I finally asked the question I had been working up to. 

“Are you serious?”

“Of course I’m serious, you know I write most of the music for All Time Low. When I hear a lyric like that I can’t help but be curious.” 

“I guess it’s like when you’re worried that things aren’t the way they seem, your biggest fear is finding out that you’re being lied to or whatever. But finding out isn’t the worst part; it’s having to actually deal with the reality now that you know about it,” She shrugged. 

“Like if you’re worried someone is cheating on you and you find out but now have to decide what to do,” I supplied, my thoughts briefly flashing back to the many screaming matches between Lisa and I. 

“Or thought someone was into you but they were really just using you,” she sighed, turning to face towards the stage again, clearly wanting to end the conversation. 

“Is that what happened with you?” I asked gently. 

“Are you seriously trying to use my lyrics to get me to spill my guts?” She shot me an incredulous look. I’d clearly gotten as much out of her as I was going to. 

“Sorry, I was just trying to understand,” I ran my hand through my hair in frustration. 

“The only thing you need to worry about understanding is the harmony in the bridge when we sing Kiss Me Again tonight,” she quipped, standing up from her seat and heading out of the theater. That didn’t go exactly as planned. 

_ I am a critic _

_ Of my own critical need to define myself _

_ With wine, and words, and lovers _


	6. Chapter 6

I don’t know why I felt so much anger watching Alex flirt with two fans as we sat at the bar that night. This sort of thing happened all the time- cute fans tracked the guys down at bars and sometimes the interest was mutual. I had made it very clear to Alex that the kiss we shared was a mistake. I had no right to be upset. 

One had short blonde hair and the other long, dark hair similar to mine. I could tell they were both trying to catch Alex’s attention, but I wasn’t sure which one he was more into as they all talked animatedly. At one point he threw his head back laughing and my stomach twisted in knots. 

The blonde girl came over to order a drink by the bar and turned to look at me, clearly sizing me up before giving me a big grin. 

“Hi, I just wanted to say your band was so good tonight!” She said, fake sincerity dripping off her voice. 

“Thanks,” I gave her a tight smile, not wanting to engage. 

“I bet it’s intimidating opening up for a band like All Time Low, they’re so good,” her gaze drifting to Alex as she kept talking.   
“We’ve played with lots of bands, so it’s not that different,” I shrugged. 

“I’ll be honest, when we saw you sing that last song with Alex, Katie and I were really worried that there was something going on between you guys. There was so much chemistry,” She narrowed her eyes as she spoke, the words sounding innocent enough but I could tell she was trying to get a reaction from me. They wanted to know if they needed to worry about me stealing Alex away from them. 

“It’s just part of the job, sweetheart,” I said blandly, fighting the instinct to look over at Alex as I heard him laugh again. 

“You have no idea how great it is to hear that,” she gave me the first genuine smile I’d seen from her. 

“Yeah, Alex is way too into groupies for me to want to go after him,” I rolled my eyes, smiling to myself as her face grew into a look of concern. 

“What does that mean?”

“Well, I don’t want to spoil your night, but let’s just say you aren’t the first girls to come out with us after a show and come to breakfast the next morning,” I trailed off, letting her fill in the blanks herself. 

“I thought he had some longtime girlfriend until a few weeks ago,” she scrunched her brow, trying to understand what I was hinting at. 

“True, but there’s a reason they aren’t together anymore, and let’s just say Lisa saw the same thing happening that I’ve seen,” I shook my head. Her drinks arrived and she headed back to the table, leaning and whispering into her friend’s ear. Both of their attitudes instantly shifted. 

I couldn’t help but grin to myself. I wandered over to another table full of guys and relaxed, keeping an eye on Alex now struggling to keep up the conversation with the two girls. In about 20 minutes they had both finished their drinks and quickly headed out of the bar. I couldn’t help but smirk as he sat there, clearly confused as to what just happened. 

A few minutes later I headed up to the bar for another round. I tried not to look as I felt someone come up next to me, guessing that it was Alex but trying to avoid a conversation. 

“Can I ask you something?” he said, although I did my best to keep looking straight ahead and not make eye contact. 

“Sure,” I made a show of intently watching the TV behind the bar. 

“You go off at me for making a move on you but then go out of your way to cock block me. Why?” he said, clearly trying to control the anger that was shaking in his voice. 

“I did not cock block you, all I did was make small talk with that girl. If anything I helped you by telling her that you and I didn’t have anything between us,” I crossed my arms, finally turning to look at him. His face was flushed either from the anger or the beer, but I couldn’t help but be drawn to the sparks in his eyes. I quickly glanced away towards the bartender, trying to shake myself out of it. 

“Those girls told me they weren’t interested in being another in a long line of groupies,” he narrowed his eyes at me. 

“Well, that’s their choice,” I shrugged. 

“Why on earth would they think they’re part of a long line? I haven’t been single and on tour in forever,” he huffed. 

“Did that ever stop you from bringing home girls?” I shot at him and his whole attitude instantly shifted. His anger immediately turned to hurt written all over his face. 

“Are you serious?” he asked softly, and I couldn’t tell if that reaction confirmed my suspicions or not. 

“You told me Lisa had good reason not to trust you- you had given her a reason not to,” I repeated what he had told me in the alley not even a week ago. 

Alex leaned against the bar, putting his head in his hands and letting out a long sigh. A twinge of guilt ran through me as I could easily tell how much this conversation had upset him. I wasn’t trying to hurt him, but I couldn’t deny that conversation nagged at me every time I started getting closer to him. 

“Jesus, Tay, I’m trying my fucking best here. You could try getting to know me before throwing accusations at me for once.” 

Alex stormed off from the bar, leaving me standing alone.

_ A kiss or a gunfight? _

_ High-noon or midnight? _

_   
_ _ Darling, I don’t want to know _

_ If I’m just a short sight on a cold night _

_ The canals are freezing _


	7. Chapter 7

I woke up to an insistent knock on my door. I rolled over, glancing at the clock and seeing it was almost noon. I shook my head, trying to get rid of the fog in my head as I pulled a pair of sweatpants on over my boxers and headed to the door. 

Taylor was the last person I was expecting to see standing there. My eyebrows shot up as she froze in place, clearly not expecting to see me standing here shirtless.I couldn’t help but smirk as her eyes trailed down my body for a moment before she seemed to realize I was watching her watch me. Her cheeks started to turn pink and the smile on my face grew. 

“Are you just here to check me out then?” I asked, leaning against the doorway, enjoying her face turning a darker shade of red. 

“No, god no, I’m sorry. I wasn’t expecting you to be...did you just wake up?” she seemed to snap back to reality. 

“Yeah,” I nodded.

“You know it’s nearly noon?”

“Yeah,” I nodded again. 

“Rockstars,” she sighed, rolling her eyes at me. I know it was meant as a joke but I couldn’t help the little bit of pride welling up in me that she called me that. 

“So did you want something other than disturbing my sleep?” I asked. 

“Look, I think I owe you an apology. You’re right that I’ve been judging you and don’t know you that well. I should at least get more proof that you’re a douche bag before I jump to that conclusion,” she brushed the hair out of her face, trying to look relaxed but I could tell she was anxious. 

“That’s very mature of you,” I gave her a smile. 

“I just...want to be better than the people who judge me without getting to know me. That’s all,” she tried to shrug it off. 

I gave her a questioning look, not quite sure what she was referring to there. When the moment dragged on and she didn’t offer any explanation, I let it go. Taylor was clearly not the type to give much away. 

“Alright, well we have the night off. How about we split a bottle of wine and see if there are any good made-for-TV movies on British cable? It will be a no judgement zone,” I offered. To my surprise she smiled at me, and I couldn't deny the rush I felt knowing I caused that smile. 

“Sure, why not?” she said. 

“Wow, that’s excitement if I’ve ever heard it,” I teased. 

“Just be happy I said yes,” She stuck her tongue out at me, backing up from the door. “I’ll see you at 8.”

“See you at 8,” I repeated, heading back into my room. I had no idea how I was going to keep myself from going crazy waiting for her to come back for another 8 hours. 

…

“Alright, I got two bottles of Cabernet and a pizza is on it’s way. I hope you like pepperoni,” I lead Taylor into my hotel room, nearly bouncing with energy. To be honest, I was surprised she showed up. I was pretty sure she was still convinced I was a jerk, but I was going to do my best to prove it to her otherwise. 

“Wow, you came prepared Mr. Gaskarth,” she smiled as I opened one of the bottles and poured the wine into the two glasses that came in the bathroom. 

“A toast,” I declared, holding up my glass and passing the other to her. 

“What are we toasting?” She asked. 

“To being better than the people who judge us,” I said, remembering her words from earlier. She gave me an amused look as she took a sip and settled down on the double bed across from me, leaving me to sit opposite her. I tried not to be disappointed. Tonight wasn’t about making a move on her- in fact, I had told myself I needed to prove to Taylor that there was more to me than a guy wanting to kiss her. 

“So are you sick of touring yet?” she asked me. 

“How could I ever be sick of touring?” I asked her, only half kidding. 

“Haven’t you been doing this for like 5 years straight?”

“Six,” I corrected her, taking a long sip of my wine. 

“We’ve only been consistently touring about 2 years. I’m not sure I can imagine 6 whole years away from my friends and family,” Taylor looked out the window at the gray city view I had. 

“Honestly, I’m not sure what I would do with myself if I wasn’t touring all time,” I sighed. She looked surprised. 

“You don’t have a back up plan for when all this ends?” She asked. 

“You make it sound like that’s a guarantee,” I frowned. 

“I mean, how many people really get to spend their lives making music and touring? At best you get a few good years out of it then settle down to do something else,” Taylor shrugged. 

“We started All Time Low when we were in high school. I never had any other dreams, and I’ve never had any other job. This is it for me,” I shrugged, almost surprised to hear myself admit it. 

“Makes it hard to keep people in your life,” she mused, and I could tell she was thinking more about her own experience than commenting on mine. 

“My ex and I fought about that a lot. She didn’t love doing long distance, and hated even more the lifestyle that comes with touring; heading out to a new bar every night, working weird hours, being surrounded by fans. She definitely doesn’t understand this life,” I remembered the long conversations we had. The truth is that any time I was home for more than a week, I felt trapped. Somehow the only place I felt at home was in a new hotel every night. 

“Sounds like she didn’t really understand you,” Taylor said softly, making my heart jump. I took another swig of wine, reminding myself that tonight was about getting to know each other non-physically. 

“So do you think you’ll stay with your band long-term?” I asked, switching subjects. 

“What kind of question is that?” Taylor looked almost offended. 

“I didn’t mean to be rude, it’s just that you’re insanely talented. You could sing with anyone you wanted, or go solo for that matter. Picking the right band mates is the most important thing in the world, so I wouldn’t blame you if you ever felt like you needed to do something different,” I quickly explained. Taylor blushed a bit. 

“You’re honestly the first person to ask me that. I really love the guys in the band and am excited about where we’ve gotten so far. I don’t know if it’s a forever thing, but I want to see how much further we can take this,” she said thoughtfully. 

Suddenly my phone rang, causing us both to jump as we were lost in thought. I picked it up and told the delivery driver I would meet him in the lobby. I quickly ran downstairs to get our pizza, lecturing myself the whole way to lighten up. 

“Pizza time!” I announced as I came back into the room. Taylor quickly waved at me to be quiet and I realized she had a phone pressed up to her ear. I was confused but didn’t want to interrupt, so simply set the pizza down on the bed next to her and grabbed a slice out of the box. 

“Of course I’m not trying to avoid you. Would you relax, Jordan? I just want a night to myself, okay? Fine, we can get breakfast tomorrow. Don’t go too crazy tonight. Alright, talk to you later,” Taylor spoke into the phone, clearly rushing to get out of the conversation as quickly as possible. 

“What was that about?” I asked. I had to assume it was Jordan, her band mate, but I had no idea why she would tell him she’s spending the night alone when she’s here with me. 

“Don’t be mad,” she said cautiously. I rolled my eyes, knowing that phrase only led to trouble. 

“What?”

“I just didn’t want to tell the guys we were hanging out,” she said quietly. My eyebrows rose but I stayed silent, waiting for an explanation. 

“Listen, touring with you guys has been an awesome opportunity for the band. I don’t want anyone here to think of me as anything beyond a good singer and songwriter. No offense, but being known as Alex Gaskarth’s girlfriend, or even worse your hookup, takes away all my credibility. It’s not fair to me or my band mates who have worked so hard to be here,” she tried to explain, but I was still suspicious. 

“Did you just refer to yourself as my girlfriend? I know it was a great moment, but it was only one kiss,” I winked at her, making her turn bright red. 

“God, NO, that is not what I meant to say. You and I know where we stand, but everyone else would just read into things. It’s tricky enough singing a love song with you,” she ran her hand through her hair, looking adorably frazzled. 

“Where, exactly, do we stand Taylor?” I pushed her, leaning forward so our knees touched across the bed. 

“Friends,” she said firmly, not flinching away from my touch. 

“Friends who don’t tell anyone when we hang out,” I clarified.

  
“Exactly,” she gave me a sugary sweet smile. 

…

Two bottles of wine and a cheesy comedy movie finished, we were sitting on the same bed as Taylor pulled up music to play on my laptop, singing and dancing along as I laughed. The next song began to play and Taylor jumped up to be standing on the bed. She turned to me and began to sing the opening lines of Firework by Katy Perry, serenading me and swaying on the bed, the wine preventing her from keeping her footing. She grabbed my hand, pulling me up with her. 

We both sang along obnoxiously loud as the chorus came, bouncing up and down on the bed wildly. I couldn’t help but throw my head back in laughter as I watched Taylor’s sloppy dance moves. 

“Don’t laugh at me!” She protested, pushing my arm. She knocked me off balance but also lost her own footing, and both of us fell back onto the bed. She had landed half on top of me, but luckily neither of us were hurt. We were laughing too hard to catch our breaths for a minute. 

I looked up to see her face only a few inches from mine and my laughter died. She looked beautiful, face flushed from the wine and dancing and a smile playing across her lips. Damn those promises I had made to myself about tonight. I couldn’t hold myself back. 

I reached up and cupped the back of her head, pulling her in to close the distance between us. When our lips touched a jolt of electricity went through me. I kissed her slowly, afraid to make a wrong move and have her pull away. After a long moment, she reached up, tangling her hands in my hair and I lost what little control I had left. 

My other arm wrapped around her waist and I pulled her completely on top of me. Her legs straddled my waist as I wrapped my fingers in her hair, pulling her as close to me as I could get. The kiss deepened, and my hands ran down her sides. She arched her back in response and I nearly lost it then. How one small movement could be so sexy was beyond me. 

I trailed kisses down her neck and her hands knotted in my hair. I wrapped my arms around her waist again, lifting her and flipping us over so that I was hovering above her, lips still connected to her neck. I gave her collarbone a soft nip in the same spot she had done to me the night of our first kiss and heard her soft moan. I kissed her as fiercely as I could, trying to catch that sound. 

“Alex,” she panted, finally breaking apart our kiss. 

“Tay,” I responded, drinking in every inch of her gorgeous, flushed features and her heavy breathing that were all because of me. 

“I want you,” she whispered, nearly making me growl as I kissed her again, passionately. She pulled back again, leaving me confused. 

“Is everything okay?” I asked, pulling back myself a few inches, realizing I might be taking things too quickly. 

“I’m not supposed to do this, I’m not supposed to hook up with tour mates and especially not you,” she shook her head, looking confused. Her words hit me straight in the chest, but I did my best not to react. 

“We can stop if you want, I’m sorry,” I said softly. 

“No, that’s the problem- I don’t want you to stop,” she bit her lip, looking up at me. I couldn’t help myself and ignored the twisted feeling in my chest as I lowered back down to kiss her again. This time she didn’t pull away, and I let the kiss deepen. This was an issue for us to sort out in the morning- let’s enjoy tonight. 

_ You know admitting the problem is the first step towards repair _

_ “We all recover” say the friends turned to wine-drunk lovers _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably my favorite chapter I've written on this yet. Would love your feedback :)


	8. Chapter 8

Movement next to me pulled me out of sleep. I blinked my eyes open slowly, looking over to see Alex’s back next to me. I let out a soft sigh. For some reason I could barely believe he was still here next to me, even though we were in his hotel room. 

A smile spread over my lips as I remembered the details of last night. I was nervous coming over here to apologize and even more nervous about hanging out with Alex, but it was surprisingly easy. The conversation between us flowed naturally and by the time I had finished my first glass of wine the nerves had evaporated. I had not expected to feel so...comfortable. 

Alex rolled over to face me, one eye cracking open to look at me. 

“You awake?” he said softly, voice husky in the morning which made me smile. 

“Barely,” I rolled on my side so I was fully facing him.

“I’m surprised you’re still here,” he said slowly, almost like he was afraid of startling me. 

“Worried I was going to sneak out in the night?” I asked, raising my eyebrows. 

“To be completely honest, I never know what to expect from you,” he said quietly, eyes searching my face. 

“I like keeping you on your toes,” I grinned. Alex smiled back at me, reaching up to push my hair off my face before leaning in for a quick kiss. 

“Last night was great,” he said, pulling out of the kiss sooner than I would have liked. 

“Eh, it was okay,” I teased him and it was his turn to look shocked. 

“Just okay?”

  
“Yeah, but don’t worry, practice makes perfect,” I leaned in for another kiss, this time letting it linger. Alex reached out and wrapped an arm around my waist, pulling me closer and my hand reached up through his hair. Neither of us was in any rush, slowly kissing and holding each other. 

“Tay,” he pulled away, mirroring my expression last night. 

“Yeah?”

“I just,” he paused, trying to decide what to say, “Clealry I can’t stay away from you, and I don’t want to fuck things up between us.”

“So then don’t,” I shrugged. 

“Trust me, I’m trying,” he chuckled, “but seriously. We’ve got another few weeks on tour and will be working together whether we want to be or not so I just want to make sure things stay good between us. I’ve already managed to piss you off a few times so I’m going to be proactive this time.” 

“Alright, so here is how to not piss me off,” I started, causing Alex to laugh. 

“Should I grab a pen and take notes?” He teased. 

“It shouldn’t be too hard for you to remember. Always be honest with me and...let’s not tell anyone about this. At least for right now,” 

“I promise I’ll always be honest with you. And if we’re keeping this a secret, do I at least get to ask what this is?” He looked up at me, something like hope twinkling in his eyes. I shook my head, letting out a long sigh. 

“What am I supposed to say to that? I don’t know Alex. I obviously can’t stay away from you either but we’re still getting to know each other. I don’t want all this attention on us before I even know how to feel about it,” I tried to explain, feeling guilt course through me. I wasn’t ashamed of Alex- if anything, he’s the kind of guy I’d normally brag to my friends about. Yet I couldn’t get over my fear of only being seen as his girlfriend and not for my own talents. Plus, I wasn’t convinced this was anything more than a rebound for him either. There was no way I was going to let myself be humiliated if that’s how this played out. 

“I guess that’s fair,” he nodded. 

I rolled over and got out of bed, grabbing my pants off the floor and pulling them back up. I could feel Alex’s eyes on me as I got ready to go. I walked over the side table closest to him where my phone was sitting when he grabbed my hand, trying to pull me back to bed. 

“Can’t you stay a while?” He asked, a lazy smile on his lips making me want to crawl back in bed and never leave. I could feel a blush creep up my face at the thoughts running through my mind, and Alex’s smile grew in response to my blush. 

“I promised Jordan I’d meet him and the guys for breakfast,” I frowned. 

“Fine, I guess I can’t keep you locked in here with me forever,” he chuckled, sitting up so his back was against the headboard. 

“That would be kidnapping,” I stuck my tongue out at him. 

“Hey, this feels like a really stupid question considering everything, but I realized yesterday I don’t have your number,” Alex ran his fingers through his hair, looking nervous for once. It was absolutely adorable. 

“You know you’re going about this in all the wrong order- you’re supposed to have my phone number before we have a date,” I rolled my eyes, laughing at him as I held my phone out to him to enter his information. 

“Since when was pizza and a movie in a hotel room a date?” Alex asked, causing me to blush again. He was good at getting me to admit more than I wanted to. 

“It is when the girl spends the night,” I replied, glad that he had broken eye contact to focus on my phone. 

“Trust me, this is not a real date. Or at least, not a real Alex Gaskarth date. You’ll know when we have one of those,” he winked at me. I couldn’t help but grin like an idiot. 

“Oh, it’s when and not if?” 

“Absolutely sunshine,” he smiled back at me. I grabbed my phone out of his hand, rolling my eyes at his cheesy nickname. 

“I’ll be anxiously awaiting that day,” I smirked at him. 

“Hurry up and go to breakfast, I want to go back to sleep if you aren’t going to stay here with me,” he pouted, making me laugh again. 

“I’ll see you later,” I turned to leave but he grabbed my hand, pulling me back down for one more kiss. The butterflies erupted in my stomach even from one quick, chaste kiss. I turned to leave quickly before he could see the stupid smile on my face. 

I would be kidding myself if I said I didn’t find him incredibly attractive, that his big brown eyes didn’t get to me every time or hearing him sing with me onstage wasn’t the best part of my day. Part of me knew that this was only going to end badly, but I had spent so long trying to do everything right. I was going to let myself enjoy this one.

_ I promise if you’re with me say the word and we’ll find a way _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have to love an awkward/cute morning after


	9. Chapter 9

The next week flew by in a mix of minutes dragging on for hours and moments slipping through my fingers too fast. I was full of nervous energy looking over my shoulder constantly for Taylor, always trying to think of another way to get her alone. The few minutes we found alone together were heart-racing and intoxicating. Every time they were over too soon. 

She hadn’t spent the night with me since our wine and movie evening together. I had offered just about every night since, but she had always just laughed it off and avoided it. Every other signal she was sending me was telling me she was just as into this as I was, from the flirty texts to the kisses stolen wherever possible. I tried to ignore it, thinking maybe she just wanted to take things slow. 

Performing with Tay was always fun, but since we spent the night together our chemistry was palpable onstage. I knew that the song was written long before I ever met her, but I couldn’t help but feel like every lyric was written just for us to sing to each other. The combination of the love song and performing with a girl I was insanely attracted to usually meant I lost all self-control, throwing my arm around Taylor or holding her hand throughout the performance. One night I even leaned over and kissed the top of her head when we finished the song. She had scolded me later that the guys in her band were going to figure out something was going on, but I could tell from her blush that she had enjoyed the moment as much as I had. 

It was a Saturday, which always meant some of the best shows. Fans weren’t afraid to really cut loose because of work or school the next day, and the extra energy from the crowd always got us going. The opener wasn’t going on for another 45 minutes and I was already bouncing and full of energy. 

I decided to go find Tay, needing to blow off some steam before we went out there together. I tried to look as casual as possible, walking through backstage before I spotted her turned away from me, talking with Jordan. I couldn’t help but smile and take a moment to check her out before she noticed me. 

“Hey, mind if I borrow her for a minute? I wanted to try a new harmony for the bridge I just thought of,” I interrupted their conversation. Taylor gave me a bit of an exasperated look, but I could tell she was happy to see me from how she was fighting back a smile. 

“You’re changing things again?” she raised an eyebrow at me. 

“This is why he’s a legend Tay, always keeping things fresh,” Jordan nodded at me, and I blushed a little at the compliment. Especially because I had no intention of working on any harmonies with Taylor once we were alone. 

“Hope you don’t mind, I just got inspired by the song,” I shrugged. 

“Well we can head to my dressing room, hopefully it will be a little quieter in there,” she gestured around backstage which was bustling with crew and all the bands. I nodded and smiled, following her back to where the dressing rooms were. 

As soon as the door shut I closed the distance between us, wrapping my arms around her waist and leaning down to kiss her. 

“This is what you wanted to work on?” She teased between kisses. 

“I wasn’t lying when I said it’s what inspired me,” I nuzzled her neck, planting a line of kisses down to her shoulder. I felt her shiver under me and grinned, loving that I had this effect on her. 

“Someone is in a good mood today,” she chuckled, pulling me back up to kiss her. I moved us back a few steps until she was against the counter and I leaned down to grab her legs, lifting her up onto the counter. I loved how small and adorable she was, but in all honesty kissing her was far more comfortable when she was lifted closer to my height. 

“Tay, you know how much I’ve loved these little secret meetings,” I started, and she pulled back, looking at me in confusion. 

“Oh, did you actually bring me in here to do more than makeout?” She asked, half joking half serious. 

“I’m not trying to get all heavy on you. I just wanted to know if you would spend the night with me tonight after the show and the bar and everything,” my hands had moved to hold her hands closely in mine. I glanced up at her, but couldn’t read her expression as hard as I tried. 

“Not satisfied by the time we’re spending together?” She stuck her tongue out at me. 

“Obviously I’m dying to get you alone for more than 20 minutes,” I leaned in and kissed her, letting it linger for a moment as I worked up the courage to admit what else was on my mind. “But it’s not that. I’m working on a new song, and I wanted you to be the first one I show it to.”

She froze and I backed up a few inches, giving her some space. She was staring at me, a mix of confusion and nerves and excitement all over her face. I gave her a sheepish smile, my heart hammering in my chest as I waited for her to break the silence. 

“Yeah, I’d love to hear it,” she said softly, bringing a huge smile to my face. I held her cheeks in my hands as I kissed her again, letting the excitement and adrenaline run through me. Tonight couldn’t come soon enough. 

…

A few of us sat around a table at a bar that night, laughing and swapping stories as usual. Alex had texted me on the way to the bar saying “we’ll stay for a few drinks so not to be suspicious, but I cannot wait to get out of here with you :)”. He hadn’t left my side all night except for now, as he went to the bar to get us the next round. Rian and Cameron had gotten into a discussion on their favorite venues to play, leaving Jack and I to chat on the other end of the table. 

“So, you and Alex huh?” Jack finally said, giving me a knowing look. I almost spit my drink out. 

“What are you talking about?” I asked, trying to act calm. 

“You two are totally an item, or hooking up or something,” he smirked. 

“Did he tell you that?” I asked, starting to feel angry if Alex had given away our secret in only a week. 

“No, of course not, but he’s been my best friend for a decade. I know how he is when he’s into a girl, and trust me, he’s got it bad for you,” Jack took a sip of his beer and I felt a blush creep up my cheeks. 

“I don’t know about that,” I tried to play it off.

“Trust me, he was such a pain in my ass before he started spending time with you, I can’t thank you enough. Breakups are always tough on Alex,” he shook his head. 

“Do you mind if I ask what happened?” I asked slowly, trying not to give away how much that question had been stuck in my head since our first kiss. 

“Look, he’s a hopeless romantic. His life has been something of a movie; his high school friends start a band, get lucky and hit it big without ever looking back. I think he always had this picture in his head that his high school girlfriend would be the one for him too. Like he had everything figured out at 17, and for some reason if that’s not true it takes away from all he’s accomplished. I don’t know, I’m kind of guessing here, but their relationship has always been complicated. They live different lives and want different things but Alex will always try to make it work,” Jack tried to explain. 

“That sounds..messy,” I chewed on my lip, not quite sure what to do with this information. 

“That’s a good way to put it,” Jack chuckled, “I’m glad he can just have fun now.” 

“Just have fun?” I raised an eyebrow at him. 

“Oh, so things between you two are serious?” He smirked. 

“No! And I’m not saying there’s anything between us,” I huffed, making Jack laugh. 

“Well, whatever you’re doing or not doing has put him in the best mood I’ve seen in months. Keep it up,” he said quietly as Alex approached the table with drinks. I shot him a grateful smile, glad he interrupted my conversation with Jack, despite the fact I was still replaying it in my head.

_ We’ll talk about how your parents separated and _

_ How you don’t want to make the same mistakes as them _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trouble in paradise?


	10. Chapter 10

We had made it back to Alex’s room without anyone really noticing our early exit. Two more beers had washed away the doubts my conversation with Jack had planted in my mind. Now, with our fingers tightly interlaced, I couldn’t fight the huge smile on my face. Alex was trying to get out the key card and open the door without letting go of my hand, also while pausing every few seconds to lean over and kiss me, making me giggle like I was 16 again. 

“If you just concentrated for a minute we would be in the room by now,” I laughed at his fourth attempt to get the door open. 

“You’re the only thing I want to concentrate on,” he leaned in to kiss me again, making me blush furiously. 

“You’re cheesy when you’re drunk, you know that?” I teased him. 

“No, I’m cheesy when I’m around you,” he retorted, making me roll my eyes. 

“Seriously, though, get the door open before someone catches us making out in the hall again!”

Finally the door swung open, and Alex led me in with a triumphant grin on his face, lifting up my hand that he had managed not to let go of while opening the door. As I laughed at him I instantly relaxed. Being alone with him set my nerves buzzing with excitement but at the same time I felt more comfortable than I did anywhere else. 

He pulled me in for yet another kiss, this time taking his time. I smiled into his lips, allowing myself to embrace the moment. This felt like a dream and I wasn’t ready to wake up from yet. 

“Wine for the lady?” He pulled away from me, walking into the room and picking up an already open bottle of red wine. I nodded, settling in on one of the two beds and admiring him as he poured two glasses. 

Alex sat on the bed across from me, toasting me as we both took a sip. I couldn’t help but flash back to a week ago when we sat in this same position. 

“So did you convince me to come over just to seduce me with a love song?” I joked, secretly nervous that he was about to pull out a sappy love song. I wasn’t quite sure how I would handle that- it felt too soon for bold declarations of our feelings but I would be lying if I hadn’t thought about the fact I might come up in one of Alex’s songs. I wanted to know how he was thinking about me. 

“That’s pretty cocky to assume you’re already inspiring love songs after just a week,” he raised an eyebrow at me as he reached over to the bedside table, picking up a notebook. 

“What can I say, I know I’m pretty great,” I flipped my hair over my shoulder, making him chuckle. 

“Alright, here it is,” Alex flipped through the notebook before landing on one of the later pages, handing it to me to read. 

...

I took a long sip of wine, trying to calm my nerves as Taylor sat in silence, reading my lyrics. Despite my best efforts, I was freaking out a little inside showing this to her. There were maybe a handful of people I let read my lyrics before I considered them complete. I was excited about the potential of this song though, and had been humming it in my head the last few days, finally finishing most of the lyrics. 

Taylor clearly still had a wall up with me, even after our night together last week. I couldn’t blame her too much for being cautious, but I needed to show her I valued her for more than just stolen kisses when no one was around. This was a little bit of a Hail Mary, but she had already seen my lyrics once. Maybe this would help me figure out why she was keeping me out. 

“So, it’s a love song for touring,” she finally looked up, done reading. 

“I don’t know if I would say that,” I chewed on my lip. 

“Well, you’re clearly rejecting the American dream of working a 9-5, getting married, having a house and kids. What else would you be choosing over that life except for touring, the life you’ve been living since you were 17?” She shrugged. I was a little surprised she was reading into this deeper than even I had. 

“To be honest, I was thinking more about a rebellion against other people expecting us to live a certain way,” I mulled. 

“Sure, and I get that, but following that train of thought brings you to how you love this alternative lifestyle of always being on the road touring,” she said. 

“I was thinking about calling it The Reckless and The Brave, but maybe that’s a little too dramatic if it’s just a song about liking going on tour,” I chuckled, making fun of myself. 

“I think you’re always a little dramatic though, it’s kind of your thing,” Taylor said. 

“Really?” I asked, incredulous. 

“Seriously, have you heard your lyrics? Very melodramatic,” she nodded. 

“This coming from you who wrote the line “You’re not quite Satan, but I really think I hate you,’’ I threw back at her. 

“The lead single from your last album included lines like “I knew we were destined to explode.” Don’t pretend like you don’t have a flare for the dramatic,” Taylor laughed, making me blush a little bit. 

“Well then, don’t pretend like you don’t like my flare for the dramatic,” I pretended to pout. 

“Alex, you know you’re insanely talented right? You don’t need me to validate that these lyrics are great. How many tens of thousands of albums have you sold and tours have you headlined, with fans singing along to every single word? You’re incredible,” Taylor turned more serious. I felt the butterflies in my gut take flight. 

I knew she was right; we had a track record of success that backed up her words. Not to mention the dozens of fans I had seen just tonight after the show telling us how much they loved our music and our show. For some reason though, it was her opinion that I wanted and her approval I was looking for. 

“I guess it’s just nice to hear it from someone that I know won’t bullshit me,” I shrugged. 

“I can promise you that if you write something awful or do something stupid, I am going to be the first person to point that out to you,” she smirked. 

“Trust me, I am well aware. In fact, it’s one of the things I like most about you,” I reached out, putting my hand on her knee where she sat across from me. I loved seeing her blush at my compliment, trying to hide her smile. 

“Can I ask you something?” Taylor’s expression shifted, and I felt myself get nervous. 

“Yeah, anything,” I nodded. 

“Will you tell me what happened between you and Lisa?”

Her name hit me like a truck. Here I was, an ocean away from her and sitting with a charming, beautiful girl and somehow just her name still took my breath away. These feelings hadn’t come back in days, why were they all surfacing now?

“Why are you asking me that?” I was confused, and trying my best to hide the wave of emotions that were threatening to spill over. 

“It’s just...I know she was a big part of your life and I’m trying to get to know you, plus at the bar Jack said-”

“Jack said something?!” I almost leapt out of my seat, anger bubbling up inside of me. 

“It wasn’t anything bad, it just came up when we were talking,” she said, quickly trying to calm me down. 

“He has no right to be telling you things about my past,” I shook my head, trying to get myself under control. 

“No right? Why, are you trying to hide it from me?” Taylor asked, her tone accusatory. 

“I’m trying to enjoy my night with a girl that I like, not rehash a relationship that I’ve already spent too much time on,” I ran my fingers through my hair. 

“Alex, I’m trying to trust you but every time Lisa comes up you have this crazy reaction. I don’t know what to think,” Taylor crossed her arms. 

“She’s my ex girlfriend, am I supposed to be excited to talk about her?”

  
“No, but you’re not supposed to look like you just saw a ghost either,” Taylor stood up, picking up her coat from where it sat on the end of the bed.

“Are you leaving?” I jumped up. 

“You obviously need some time to calm down. I’ll talk to you later,” She turned on her heel and stormed out, slamming the door behind her. 

I was so angry I wanted to hit something. But the worst part of it all, was that I was the only person to be mad at. 

_ Am I a villain? _

_ Cast among heroes with all of their  _

_ Underwhelming overbearing struggles  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a dream about Alex last night...think I'm spending too much time writing this?


	11. Chapter 11

I heard the knock on my door around 10 am the next morning. I had been awake for an hour now, packing my things up and pacing around. My emotions are all over the place today. I know that Alex and I drank a lot last night, which always leads to rash decisions. Maybe I was being too hard on him by walking out last night, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that he wasn’t over Lisa. 

Sighing, I went to open the door, expecting to find one of the guys from my band. Alex stood in front of me with his hands in his pockets. His hair was a mess and dark circles under his eyes told me that he hadn’t slept much after I left last night. My heart jumped when I saw him, but the excitement was immediately followed by a sick feeling in my gut. 

“Hi,” I said softly. 

“Hey,” Alex gave me a half-hearted smile. 

“You look like hell,” I made a face. 

“Well, I feel like hell too if it’s any consolation,” Alex ran his fingers through his hair. 

“A little,” I shrugged, leaning against the door frame. 

“I guess it’s my turn to show up at your door and apologize,” he sighed. 

“Really? I thought you were just here for some small talk,” I said, the words coming out harsher than I intended them to. 

“Taylor, please don’t make this harder than it has to be. I overreacted last night,” Alex looked defeated. 

“That’s a good start,” I crossed my arms. 

“Can I come in?” He asked, glancing over his shoulder to check if anyone was coming down the hallway. 

“Are you going to cause another scene like you did last night?” I raised an eyebrow at him. I wasn’t above making him suffer a little for what he put me through. 

“Alright, I probably deserved that one. Seriously, can we talk Tay?” He looked at me with his big brown eyes and I knew I couldn’t say no. 

I nodded my head, turning and walking back into the room. I could hear him behind me as the door closed. We walked into the room, and I watched as he took a seat on the bed, leaning his head into his hands. I stayed standing, too full of emotion to sit still. 

“So what did you come over here to say?” I kept pacing around the room, picking up clothes to fold and put in my bag or anything else to keep my hands busy. 

“I didn’t mean to freak out when you asked about Lisa last night, I guess I just wasn’t expecting it. I was having a great time with you and talking about that relationship brings up a lot of things. I’m sorry for getting upset,” Alex was talking slowly, clearly trying to pick the rights words and not set me off again. 

“You said I have no right to know about your past,” I turned away from him, not wanting him to see how much that had hurt me. 

“No, I was upset that Jack was the one telling you about it. You should be hearing this stuff from me,” he said defensively. 

“That sounds like you have something to hide,” I rolled my eyes.

“Please believe me when I tell you that’s not true,” he pleaded. 

“Alex, I only ever asked you to be honest with me. That’s it,” I blinked back the tears that had suddenly sprung in my eyes. 

“I am trying to tell you the truth and you’ll barely look at me!”

My body froze where I was, my gaze focused on my suitcase. His angry words took me by surprise. Slowly, I spun so I was facing him, forcing myself to look into his eyes. My chest ached as I saw the anguish on his face. Taking a deep breath, I walked over and sat facing him on the other bed. 

“Tell me everything,” I said softly. His head dropped into his hands again. He seemed to be taking a minute to collect himself. 

“We got together when we were in high school. I thought she was way out of my league- honestly, she probably still is. I was awkward and didn’t have a lot of experience with girls and couldn’t believe I had convinced her to go on a date with me once, let alone stick around. She heard a lot of the first songs I ever wrote. Lisa was one of the few people who didn’t laugh at me the first time I told her I wanted to be a musician. I know it’s easy to look back on the history of All Time Low as this success story now, but we had a lot of ups and downs in those early years. She was there by my side through all of them. 

“I don’t think she really understood what a career in music would mean. Every time we got home from touring we would head into the studio, and despite being home I didn’t have much free time. Then it was months at a time on the road, promoting the new album. You know how it goes; you have to be in front of fans to gain attention, and you have to have something new to share or you’ll lose their interest. It’s a grind, but I love it. Lisa never understood why we were in such a rush for the next album, the next tour, the endless cycle we live in. Eventually, that started to put a lot of pressure on our relationship. 

“It didn’t help that I was surrounded by more and more fans who adored us. It gets to your head when everyone you meet tells you the things you are doing are amazing, but the person you call at the end of the day isn’t supportive. That isn’t an excuse for anything I did, and honestly Lisa always wanted me to go after my dreams. I was the one who wasn’t as supportive of her dream of having a house, kids, a husband she sees for more than a few days at a time.

“It started small- flirting with fans or other artists on tour to see what I could get away with. I would hold back from crossing that line, and then go home to hear her complain that I wasn’t going to be home to go to some party with her or celebrate her dad’s birthday. One day, I finally crossed that line.

“The worst part is, I’m not entirely sure how many times it happened. You’re out drinking and partying while on tour and somehow all the one night stands become a blur.

“Lisa found out, and we’ve been on and off ever since. I swear, after she found out I never cheated on her again and realized how selfish and fucked up I was. We tried to work on things but obviously it’s hard to rebuild trust when you’re never home and constantly in the same situation that led to the cheating in the first place. So we finally called it quits, I came to the UK for this tour and you know the rest,” Alex finished. 

His hands were shaking as I watched him tell his story. It was clear how emotional he got sharing this. I had guessed that Alex had done some terrible things to Lisa- how else do you lose trust- but I don’t think I was prepared for the full details. I couldn’t imagine being in her shoes. I felt even worse for all the girls he had used along the way to make himself feel better. 

“Damn, you were a real asshole,” I shook my head, not quite sure what else to say. 

“Trust me, I know. There are so many things I regret,” he sighed. 

“Do you wish you were still with her?” I asked quietly, the question that had been on my mind from the start now hanging between us. Alex looked up at me and grabbed both my hands, holding them tightly.

“No. I wish I didn’t hurt her the way that I did, but I know she’s not the right person for me,” he said, sounding as sincere as I could hope for. 

“You promise me that all of this- Lisa, the cheating, the lying- is in the past?” I pushed him again. 

“I promise,” he nodded. 

“Alright. I’m holding you to that Alex,” I gave him a soft smile and saw his face light up with hope. 

“You have nothing to worry about,” he leaned over and pulled me into a hug. I closed my eyes as his arms wrapped around me, trying my best to let his warm embrace chase away all my fears.

_ Thanks to you, I’m moving on _

_ Chasing out my skeletons and the troubles they have caused _


	12. Chapter 12

I didn’t deserve Taylor. 

The truth is, I didn’t deserve any of the women I’d been with, but especially not her. I spilled my guts to her, sharing about one of the worst times of my life and she still accepted me. So many people would have heard how I treated my ex and ran the other way as fast as they could. 

I definitely didn’t deserve her. 

So I was going to do something to make it up to her. 

...

We were on the home stretch of this tour and it was starting to hit me that I’d be leaving Alex in just a few days. Things had been so rocky with us to start with and it seems like we had only just begun really getting to know each other. I didn’t want to put any pressure on him to commit to things with me as I know he just got out of a long relationship, but I was feeling a little nervous about what happens next.

Alex and I were sitting together backstage, goofing around with riffs we could sing in Kiss Me Again. He was openly flirting with me, and I could tell the couple guys sitting around were taking notice but I didn’t care. This could all be over so soon, I should take advantage of every moment. 

Jordan appeared from down the hallway and immediately spotted us, hurrying over. 

“Tay! I’ve been trying to call you!” He called over as he closed the distance between us. I glanced at my phone, seeing I had several missed calls. 

“Oops, must have been on silent,” I shrugged. 

“Well I have news- the label wants us to do an official recording of Kiss Me Again with Alex,” Jordan said excitedly. My jaw dropped.

“What!?”

“Yeah, the fans have posted so much buzz about you two performing together this tour that the label thinks it’s awesome exposure for both bands to release the song. We’re heading to the studio to re-record vocals when we got home,” Jordan couldn’t stop grinning. The label was probably right- recording a single with All Time Low was a huge opportunity. 

“Are you serious? Did you know about this?” I turned to Alex, who was looking at me with a sneaky grin. 

“They called me yesterday asking if I would be willing to do it. We’re spending some time in the studio working on the next album after this tour anyway, so I told them it would be no problem. I didn’t want to say anything until they made it official though,” Alex gave me a huge smile, and I could feel the butterflies all the way down to my toes. 

“That’s amazing,” I was still in shock. 

“I wanted to surprise you with it,” Alex had his eyes glued on me, barely acknowledging Jordan’s excitement or the fact he would be singing with us on the track as well. 

“Better start thinking of music video ideas, because my guess is they’ll really want to milk this,” Jordan teased before walking away, but I could tell how excited he was. He was always the one thinking about how to keep moving the band forward and gain new fans. 

“You want to grab some air?” I asked Alex quietly, nodding towards the back alley. He nodded and I could see him fight the instinct to grab my hand. 

Once outside, I wrapped him up in a big hug. Partially it was to fight off the cold, but another part of me felt truly grateful. It was like suddenly all the anxiety that had been building as we got to the end of the tour had disappeared. He wrapped his arms around my waist and held me close against him. 

“Thank you,” I said quietly. 

“What are you saying thank you for?” He sounded genuinely confused. I pulled out of our hug so I could look at him properly. 

“You didn’t have to agree to record the song with us, and you know how much it could help out the band. It’s really generous of you,” I tried my best to explain. 

“Trust me, I’m not as selfless as you think,” he smirked. 

“What are you talking about?”

“Recording the song with you, maybe filming a music video...it means I get to see you again after this tour is done,” he smiled, suddenly looking a little nervous. I couldn’t help but blush. 

“So that’s your real motive,” I reached out and took his hand, needing to touch him and be close to him. 

“We have a lot of work to do on this new album before heading out on tour this summer and I know the label won’t want to give me much time off to spend with you. I thought this would be a great excuse,” his smile spread slowly. 

“Wait, were you the one to pitch the idea to the label, not the other way around?” I was overcome by shock for the second time in just a few minutes. 

“They can spin it however they want to, I know they hate when I come up with ideas they should have had,” he laughs. 

“I’m not going to lie, I was getting worried about what was going to happen when we left this tour,” I bit my lip, not trying to ruin the mood but hoping to take this conversation even further. 

“I’d have to be crazy to not want to keep seeing you,” Alex pushed a piece of hair behind my ear before leaning in, giving me a slow kiss. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, pulling him close to me. I never wanted to lose this moment. 

As we stood there embracing, someone further down the alley suddenly called Alex’s name. We jumped away from each other, and he turned to see one of the crew. Alex was needed for an interview, so he gave me a quick smile and wink before running off. I stayed standing where I was for a moment, savoring how right everything in my life felt right now. 

“Hey,”

I jumped, turning around to see Jordan who was stepping out of the door behind me. I quickly ran my fingers through my hair, hoping I didn’t look too flustered from my talk with Alex.

“Hey, great news about Kiss Me Again, right?” I couldn’t help but gush. 

“Yeah, I’m really stoked about it,” he nodded, but he didn’t look very happy. 

“What’s up?” I asked.

“You and Alex...is there something going on there?” He said slowly. 

“Why?” I crossed my arms. Jordan was my friend and I didn’t want to outright lie to him, especially with things going so well, but this conversation caught me off guard. 

“Look, you don’t have to explain it to me, but I’m just trying to look out for you. Alex is great but he hasn’t had the most luck with relationships, and I want you to be careful,” Jordan shifted uncomfortably, clearly feeling awkward.

“I appreciate your concern but I think I can handle myself,” I frowned. 

“I want whatever this is to work out for you Tay, honestly, but we were all here the last time things didn’t work out. I sing about it every night onstage. I just want you to be okay.”

“Got it, I’ll make sure I come out of this okay,” my voice turned icy. 

“Don’t be mad,” he sighed.

“Don’t get in my business,” I retorted. 

Jordan shook his head and walked away, heading back inside.

_ Kid you’re a cut above _

_ Always just a cut above the rest _


	13. Chapter 13

It was the last night of the tour. 

All things considered, I thought we had been really successful. We sold out enough shows that they added extra dates. We had really fun, energetic performances and I was really pleased with our openers too- and not just because I was falling for the lead singer of one of them. 

Meeting Taylor had absolutely been the highlight of the last few weeks. For the first time in a long time I wasn’t quite sure that I could do my feelings justice with words. She challenged me, accepted me, and motivated me. Lisa made me want to be better because of the crushing guilt that followed my every move; Taylor made me want to be better because I wanted to live up to the person she expected me to be. 

Part of me questioned my own feelings- I had absolutely used someone else to avoid my feelings towards Lisa before. I had honestly never worked this hard to be with someone though. This didn’t feel like an easy rebound. It felt like all the heartache and struggle had led me exactly to where I was supposed to be. 

My last performance of Kiss Me Again with Taylor was a little emotional. I knew we would be recording it together but I had no idea the next time I would get to sing with her in front of a crowd. We didn’t talk about it, but it only took one look at her onstage to know she was feeling it too. We both sang our hearts out and tried not to let it show to the fans how we were truly feeling. 

“Hey, let’s ditch the after party tonight,” I grabbed Taylor’s hand as we ran offstage, whispering to her quickly. 

“We should at least make an appearance,” she admonished me. 

“You’re the only person I want to spend the night with,” I squeezed her hand and saw her smile, sending butterflies soaring through my stomach. 

“Alright fine, but you better make it worth it,” She stuck her tongue out at me. I could tell she didn’t want to admit how excited she really was. 

It was easy to lose myself in our last set of the tour. My band mates were fired up and working the crowd. I easily fed off their energy, delivering one of my best performances in months. I could see that the guys could tell, shooting me approving looks. As much fun as I was having onstage tonight, I couldn’t wait to get back into the studio and record new stuff. I wanted to be singing about something- and someone- new. 

It was tough to get away from all the guys hounding me to go out for shots and get crazy to celebrate the end of the tour. I claimed I needed to get something out of my room and would meet them at the bar. In reality, I found Taylor’s dressing room and hid out, sending her a text to meet me here. 

“What are you doing in here?”

I looked up from my phone to see Taylor slip in the door. She gave me a disapproving look but I could see the light in her eyes that she was as happy as I was to be here. I closed the space between us and wrapped my arms around her waist. 

“Waiting for you, as always,” I gave her a quick kiss. 

“Is your plan to hide in the dressing room all night instead of going to the party? They do clean these at some point, we can’t stay here forever,” she teased me. 

“As tempting as that sounds, I thought we would go explore London. It’s our last night here and I want to see something other than a pub,” I told her my half-baked plan. 

“Let me get a coat and we can go,” Taylor smiled at me, and I mirrored her expression. 

It took a little bit of sneaking around for us to make it past the crew and other bands that were getting ready to go out for the night and celebrate. I promised my band mates I would meet them soon, and Taylor made some excuse about the time of the month that immediately saved her from further questions. 

About two blocks away from the music venue, we both relaxed. I reached out and took Taylor’s hand in mine, pulling her close to help keep both of us warm. It was exhilarating being out in public with her and not worrying about how our band mates would react. 

“Freedom!” I cheered, causing her to giggle. 

“Where are we going Alex?” she asked as I took the lead, turning us down another street that led further from the pub all our friends were currently partying in. 

“No idea,” I shrugged, earning a disbelieving look from Taylor.

“You’re telling me that I am currently wandering aimlessly in a foreign city with a near stranger while no one knows my whereabouts,” she tried not to laugh as I feigned hurt at her comments. 

“Near stranger? Come on, you know me a little better than that,” I pouted.

“Alright, friendly acquaintance, better?” She stuck her tongue out at me. I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and turned her to face me, leaning in for a kiss. I could tell it caught her off guard. 

“Is that how most friendly acquaintances act around you?” I broke off the kiss, unable to stop the smile that had spread across my face. 

“Yes,” she smirked at me, making me chuckle, “don’t you know I’m irresistible to most of my acquaintances?”

“Alright, touche,” I laughed as we continued to walk. 

Light snow fell around us as we continued walking through the city. It was busy, as London always is, but the snow made it feel more quiet and clean. Despite my jokes to Taylor, I did have some clue of where we were headed. We had played in London several times before and I had an idea of how to spend our night. 

Spotting a convenience store, I pulled us inside, shaking the snow off my shoulders and hat when we walked in. Taylor looked confused but didn’t ask any questions as I pulled her through the rows of food and goods. Finally we hit their small liquor section, and I spotted what I was looking for. 

“Whiskey, right?” I asked, picking up a small plastic bottle of whiskey about the size of a water bottle. 

“For what?”

“For drinking, of course.”

“Alex, are you serious?” 

“Did you have another plan for keeping us warm tonight?” I winked and loved the blush that spread across Taylor’s face. She settled on rolling her eyes and didn’t say anything else as we checked out, only throwing a package of Twizzlers on the counter. 

“Do those make a good chaser?” I asked as we headed out of the store. I slipped the whiskey into my coat pocket and Taylor dug into the candy. 

“The sugar in the candy really compliments the sweetness of the whiskey,” she said, putting on a fake pretentious voice as she took a big bite of a Twizzler. 

“You’re the only sweet thing I need,” I said in a cheesy voice. She made a face at me, clearly disapproving of my very corny lines, which is exactly why I said them. 

We made our way towards the river, walking along the water and stopping to sneak sips of whiskey when we thought no one was looking. I’m not sure if we finished the candy or the alcohol first, but we were both buzzing with childlike energy by the time they were done. I pointed out all the sights to Taylor, and began making up names and events for buildings I didn’t recognize. 

“Alright, no way is that true,” Taylor shook her head and I tried to keep myself from laughing.

“I’m telling you, that building was built for the Department of Rock n Roll after the Beatles became an international sensation. The queen wanted to leverage the exposure the country was getting through music and use it for diplomatic purposes,” I rambled, trying my best to justify the latest in the ridiculous names. 

“I don’t believe a word you’re saying,” she narrowed her eyes at me. 

“Wow, you get a tour from a local and have the audacity to challenge me? Typical rude American,” I scolded. 

“You barely count as a local, you moved to Baltimore when you were like 5,” she scoffed. 

“I was 7!” I protested. 

“But you didn’t even live in London,” she pointed out, accurately. 

“I would really appreciate it if you stopped getting in the way of my tour by mentioning facts,” I rolled my eyes at her and she giggled. She snuggled against me as I wrapped my arm around her waist, trying to keep both of us warm. 

“We should probably head back to the hotel soon,” she said quietly, and I tightened my grip on her. The truth was neither of us wanted to face the reality that tomorrow we would board separate flights home and this tour would be over. 

“It’s only….close to 3 in the morning,” I checked my watch and realized how much time had flown by. We hadn’t gotten out of the show until close to midnight, but still. 

We walked slowly back towards our hotel, neither of us talking much. I wasn’t sure what to say. I didn’t want to drunkenly profess all my feelings to her or make this last night heavy and emotional. All I really wanted was more time with her just like this; enjoying ourselves without any of the other bullshit. 

I kept my arm wrapped around Taylor even when we got to the hotel, too lost in thought to remember that we wanted to keep this a secret from everyone on the tour. Well, the tour was over anyway, so maybe it didn’t matter anymore. We rode up the elevator in silence, and I was dreading saying goodbye. 

“What time is your flight tomorrow?” I asked as we walked over to her room. 

“10 am,” she sighed. 

“Mine is at noon,” I shifted awkwardly as we stood in front of the door. 

“I guess I should head to bed since I have to leave for the airport in 4 hours,” Taylor looked so sad as she gazed up at me. I could barely stand it. I cupped her face in my hands, giving her a slow, sweet kiss. 

“Alex,” she whispered onto my lips. Hearing my name set something off in me and I kissed her harder. 

“I don’t want to go home tomorrow,” I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her close to me as I trailed kisses down her neck. 

“Spend the night with me,” Taylor said quietly but insistently. I nearly froze, looking closely at her beautiful brown eyes, praying this was real and not my desperate mind playing tricks on me. 

“Anything you want,” I gave her a small smile before kissing her again and heading into her room. 

_ The city comes alive when we’re together _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one gives me all the feels.


	14. Chapter 14

I pulled Alex into my room and wrapped my arms tightly around his shoulders. I don’t know if it was the whiskey or the fact it was the last night on tour together but I had forgotten every doubt that usually held me back from Alex. All I wanted was to make the most of these last moments we had together. 

His arms held me tightly against him as we stumbled back towards the bed. I let my hand wander into his hair, pulling on it to get better access to his neck I was reaching to kiss. I felt his breath hitch as I got close to his ear, and I couldn’t help but smirk a little. 

I felt the bed behind me and our stumbling came to a stop. Alex gave me a quick kiss before throwing me back on the bed. Standing over me, I could see the excitement in his eyes as he let his gaze trail down my body. I was still fully dressed but suddenly felt more exposed than I ever had. 

“Take off your shirt,” I instructed, licking my lips as he complied and pulled it off. He stood in front of me in just his jeans, and I wasn’t shy as I admired his bare chest. He was lean, but muscular, and I knew first hand how strong his arms felt when wrapped around you. 

“I have to ask you something,” He knelt down on the bed, crawling forward so his body was hovering over mine. 

“Okay.”

“When you came to my hotel room to apologize, that day we first spent the night together...you were totally checking me out shirtless weren’t you?” he nuzzled against my neck, sending a fresh wave of shivers down my spine. 

“What are you going to do if I say yes?” it took a lot of effort to respond in a steady voice. He nipped at the base of my neck, and I couldn’t help the noise that escaped my mouth. 

“I think you have a pretty good idea,” he whispered in my ear, and I was grinning like mad as I pulled him back to me for a kiss. One of Alex’s hands cupped my face, and I assumed the other was helping to hold most of his weight off of me. I let my hands slide down his bare back, feeling the muscle underneath my touch.

His hand drifted down my stomach, finding the hem of my shirt and the skin underneath it. I sucked in a breath as his cold fingers trailed up my side and nearly froze. I didn’t want to do anything to stop the path his hand was on. His hand gently cupped around my bra and his thumb dipped below the cup, skimming over my breast. At this point I made no secret of the moans he was drawing from my lips. 

Alex’s hand abruptly left my breast and wrapped around me, lifting me and repositioning us so I was on top of him. I adjusted so my legs were straddling his, my hands tangled in his hair. It was his turn to explore my back, and I felt his hands slide under my shirt again and collide with bare skin, leaving a fiery trail everywhere they touched. He gently tugged my shirt up over my head, and I sat up to finish pulling it off. 

I started to lean back down to kiss him, but his hands on my waist kept me sitting upright. I cocked my head at him, confused as to why he was stopping me until I saw the look in his eyes. He reached up to undo my bra and I let it fall away, sitting in front of him shirtless just as he had for me. 

“You are so beautiful,” he whispered, sitting up to kiss me. I wrapped my legs around his waist, tangling us as close together as I could. The passion of the kisses only continued to grow, and I felt myself needing him more and more. 

“Alex,” I moaned as his mouth had made its way down my neck, his hands already fondling my breasts expertly. 

“God, you are sexy,” he said between his kisses. 

“You’re driving me crazy,” I could barely breathe, all of my attention on where his mouth and hands moved. 

“Tay- I want you,” Alex pulled back a little so we were eye to eye, his arms pulling me close against his chest. 

“I do too,” I nodded, and saw a flicker of uncertainty in his eyes. We had made out and fooled around a little before, but hadn’t had sex. Between the fights and limited alone time, it just never felt right until now. 

“Are you sure?” he asked. 

“Completely,” I kissed him deeply. 

“I didn’t want it to be like this, when I have to leave you in a couple hours,” he sighed, arms tightening around me. 

“I know, but I don’t know the next time I’ll see you, and I can’t wait any longer,” I pushed his hair out of his eyes. 

“If you’re sure,” he almost sounded as if he needed to be convinced. 

“I’ve never been more sure of anything,” I kissed him again, and this time he didn’t pull back to say anything else. 

…

My alarm went off far too early. It felt like I had been asleep for only 5 minutes. My head hurt from the whiskey last night and my body ached from only sleeping a few short hours. To make it all worse, my heart already hurt at the thought of leaving. 

Alex was wrapped around me, spooning me closely to him. I had to wiggle out of his grip to reach my phone and shut off the alarm, but he pulled me back to him. I laced my fingers with his as his head rested on my shoulder, planting a soft kiss. 

“It’s too early, you must have set the alarm wrong,” he grumbled. 

“No, it’s 6:45- the van picks me and the boys up in front of the hotel in 15 minutes,” I sighed. 

“Just switch your flight and come with me,” he kissed my shoulder again. 

“What would I do in Baltimore?” I shook my head, trying to be rational when all I really wanted was to fly to Baltimore with Alex anyway. 

“Be with me,” he whispered. My chest tightened and I squeezed his hand. 

“You’ll be in the studio all the time, I don’t want to be a distraction,” I reminded both of us. 

“Or you would be my muse,” he retorted.

“Doesn’t distance make the heart grow fonder? I’ll be a better muse from New York,” I teased, despite how much I hated this. 

“I don’t know how much fonder my heart could get,” he joked, making me blush. 

“Alright, let me go, I have to get up and get everything together,” I squirmed out of his arms. I knew if I stayed a minute longer I would never leave the bed. 

I quickly got dressed and went to the bathroom. Silently, we checked the hotel to make sure all my things were packed up- the same routine we had each done every morning for the last month. It felt wrong to be doing it for the last time. Once I was sure I had everything ready, I looked at my watch and saw I had only two minutes before I was supposed to be downstairs. 

Alex wrapped me in a big hug, and I tried not to let myself get too emotional. I rested my head on his chest, breathing in his scent and trying to memorize how this felt. 

“I’m sure we’ll get to go in the studio together soon,” Alex said, trying to comfort us both. 

“The hard part is not knowing when,” I sighed. 

“I know. But until then you know I’m just a phone call away,” he kissed the top of my head. 

“Is it weird to say I’m going to miss you?” I asked, and felt his chest shake as he chuckled. 

“No, it’s not weird. I’m going to miss you too. You were the best part of this tour, Tay. The best part of a lot of things in my life, actually,” he hugged me tighter and tears threatened to spill out of my eyes. 

“You were my favorite part of it too,” I leaned my head back to kiss him. 

“I should get going, or I’ll be late,” I pulled out of his arms, throwing my backpack over my shoulders and grabbing my suitcase. 

“Let me know you get home safe, okay?” Alex put his hands in his pockets, looking like a lost puppy. 

“Of course, thanks for everything,” I gave him a small smile and he leaned in to kiss me one more time. With a deep breath, I turned and headed out of the hotel room. Alex closed the door behind us.

“Try not to have too much fun in New York without me,” he gave me a wink before turning and heading towards his room. 

“No promises,” I smirked, heading towards the elevator and down towards the lobby. I didn’t know what the future held for us, but for some reason I wasn’t afraid. 

_ I don’t wanna say goodnight _

_ I’ve never been so sure _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I feel like the UK tour sets the stage (pardon the bad pun) for the story to really get going from here. Buckle up everyone :)


	15. Chapter 15

Long distance with Taylor was strange, but good. I was relieved to find out that our effortless banter continued on a phone call or over FaceTime. It was weird to feel like I knew her so well but realizing how little I knew about her life outside the bubble of the tour. It felt like cramming for a test in high school, trying to remember all the details about her family and friends in New York. 

We had about three days off after the tour before we got into the studio to start recording. I was excited about a number of the songs we were working on, but it’s easy to forget how long the days in the studio can be, especially when it’s your songs that we’re recording. Some of the other band members could come and go when we were finished with their specific part- I was needed for so many creative decisions on the entire song that I barely got a break. It was exhilarating getting to create a song just how I imagined it, but also exhausting when I spent 6 days a week in the studio for 10-12 hours a day. 

It had been two weeks since we got home from the tour and I was missing Taylor like crazy and working the hardest I ever had. I knew we were going on Warped Tour this summer and I wanted to have new material ready by then. As much as I wanted to take a few days off and fly up to New York, I wasn’t sure how I was going to make it fit in my schedule, but I didn’t want to tell Taylor that. 

Then, one afternoon I got a call from our label. They were reserving some time to record Kiss Me Again. The music could stay the same, they only needed to refine the vocals and add me in, of course. Since we were already in the studio, they figured it was easiest for Taylor and Jordan to come to me. They would fly into Baltimore in three days, spend an afternoon in the studio, spend the night and wrap things up the next morning before heading home. It was a quick turnaround, but they were confident we could get it done after playing it live so much. 

I couldn’t wait to call Taylor with the news, and snuck out from the studio as quickly as possible. 

“Hey there,” her cheery voice greeted me when she answered, immediately bringing a smile to my face.

“Hi gorgeous, how are you?” I leaned against the wall of the building, standing in the parking lot of the studio. 

“I’m good, I’m heading to band practice in ten minutes so I don’t have much time to talk,” she said. 

“That’s okay, I’m still at the studio so I don’t have a ton of time either. But did you hear from the label yet on Kiss Me Again?” I asked.

“No, did you?”

“Yeah, they just called to tell me they’re flying you and Jordan down to Baltimore to record with us on Thursday- in three days,” I could barely contain my excitement. 

“Seriously? Alex that’s amazing!” She squealed, making me laugh. 

“I know, I cannot wait to see you. And see if you can keep up with me in the studio,” I teased. 

“Keep up with you? You do know that it’s my song Gaskarth, you’re the one who has to keep up,” she quipped. 

“We’ll see when you get here,” I laughed, still giddy at the thought that she would be here in just a few days. 

“It's going to be great being with you again ,” She said gently, the mood shifting. 

“I know. Maybe I’ll even get to show you around Baltimore a little bit,” I started thinking about all the things I wanted to do with her. 

“Don’t get too far ahead of yourself, we’ll probably be in the studio all night trying to get your part right,” Taylor said.

“Oh, we’ll be up all night, but hopefully for other reasons,” I smirked to myself. 

“Get your head out of the gutter Alex and go record some hits, alright?” she chuckled. 

“I’ll do my best. See you in a few days,” I sighed, loving that I could finally say that. 

“See you soon,” I could nearly make out the smile on Taylor’s voice as we hung up. 

…

I pulled into the driveway at Cameron’s house, excited to share the news about recording Kiss Me Again. It had already been a good day, and Alex’s call had cemented my great mood. Being away from him was harder than I expected, considering I just met him for the first time under 2 months ago. This was exactly the pick-me-up I was needing. 

“Hey, I have news!” I yelled as I walked into the basement where we typically rehearsed. We had taken a bit of a break since getting back from tour but we had a few shows coming up and needed to get back to work. I hadn’t seen most of the guys since our flight home. 

“What’s up Tay?” Mike gave me a high five as I walked in. I couldn’t help but smile being back in the same room as the rest of the band. 

“We’re going to Baltimore to record Kiss Me Again with Alex on Thursday!” I shared. 

“Who is we?” Cameron looked skeptical. 

“Jordan and I, sorry we don’t need everyone,” I clarified and Cameron just nodded.

“Wait, both of us?” Jordan asked. 

“Does anyone else in this band sing?” I shot back at him, earning a laugh out of Rob.

“I figured they would just add Alex’s voice in, I didn’t know they would need us to re-record parts,” Jordan said defensively. 

“Well, since we changed some of the harmonies on tour I’m guessing they want to include those in the new recording. I don’t know, that’s just what Alex told me when he called,” I explained. 

“Oh, you got this news from Alex?” Mike shot me a look and the rest of the guys started laughing. 

“You guys act like every guy I talk to must be dating me,” I rolled my eyes at them. 

“Leave her alone guys, we have work to do,” Jordan cut in, silencing the laughs. I shot him a grateful look as we all grabbed our instruments and got to work practicing. 

About an hour and a half later we wrapped up, feeling refreshed after spending some time working the songs we hadn’t touched in weeks. We said our goodbyes and I was heading to my car when I heard Jordan calling for me. I stopped in the driveway, waiting for him to catch up. 

“Good job today,” I smiled at him once he caught up to me. 

“Yeah, you too. Hey, I just wanted to talk to you about this trip to Baltimore,” he said. 

“Sure,” I said, not quite sure what there was to talk about. 

“I know you hate it when we make jokes about Alex and I know you told me it’s none of my business but...I just want to know if I’m going to be the third wheel on this trip,” he said awkwardly, and my face immediately turned bright red. 

“Wow, talk about blunt,” I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to figure out what to say. 

“Look, you don’t owe me any explanation, I just want to know what to expect when we get there,” he said quickly. 

“I didn’t want to tell you guys because I didn’t want it to be some big deal, but I guess if it’s going to be just the three of us you’ll find out anyway. Yeah, Alex and I started seeing each other while we were on tour,” I sighed, feeling nervous at finally admitting it to someone. 

“Okay,” Jordan nodded.

“Okay? That’s all you have to say?” I was shocked. 

“Like I said, it’s not my business. I promise not to get in the way of your fun on Thursday,” he said, making me feel bad for telling him now that he will feel awkward around us. 

“Jordan, you know it’s not like that, we’re going down there to work,” I protested. 

“Yes, but there will also be times we aren’t working that you’re going to want to spend with him. I get it, and please don’t feel like you have to include me. Trust me when I say I have no interest in tagging along on a date with you guys,” he rolled his eyes, making me feel embarrassed all over again. 

“You’re a good friend,” I said softly, grateful that he was taking this much better than I expected. 

“Thanks. Remember you owe me one next time I think a fan is cute,” he joked and it was my turn to roll my eyes.

_ I settle for long distance calls _

_ I’m lost in empty pillow talk again _


	16. Chapter 16

My knee bounced up and down as I anxiously searched the crowd for a sign of Taylor. I was sitting at the Baltimore International Airport, waiting to pick up Jordan and Taylor who were flying in for our studio session. The label had offered to send a car for them, but I insisted on picking them up myself. I wanted to spend as much time as I could with Tay. 

Finally I recognized Jordan towering above the crowd as they walked out the exit, and caught a glimpse of Taylor through the other travelers walking by. A smile broke out on my face instantly and I jumped out of the car, waving at them. 

I couldn’t help myself and wrapped Taylor in a big hug, giving her a kiss on the cheek. It was a rush to have her in my arms again. I felt her tense up a bit, probably not used to this kind of PDA with me, but she told me that she told Jordan about us so I wasn’t worried. 

“Hey,” I grinned like crazy as I let her go. 

“Hey yourself,” she was blushing, trying to hide her smile. 

“Good to see you man,” Jordan said, somewhat awkwardly. I quickly turned to give him a quick handshake as they threw their backpacks in the trunk of my car. Taylor and Jordan had a quick but tense debate about who should sit in the front seat- his legs were obviously longer but he clearly didn’t want to get in between us- resulting in Taylor sliding in next to me up front. I reached over to hold her hand as we left the airport and headed towards the studio.

“How was the flight?” I asked. 

“Quick, and mostly easy except for Taylor drooling on me,” Jordan teased her. It was cute seeing her turn red. 

“Just because I fell asleep does not mean I was drooling!” She protested. 

“All I know is my shoulder was damp when we landed,” he pointed out. 

“That proves nothing,” she stuck her tongue out at him. I couldn’t help but laugh. I had missed this so much. 

I was a little apprehensive about being in the studio with Taylor. I was so used to working on my own songs and being the one in control, but I had to remember that this was her song. We were all here to make something that would be a great collaboration for We Are The In Crowd, not for All Time Low. It would only be my name on the song, not the band, so I needed to put aside my vision for our sound and focus on how to make this the best it could be for them. 

We all sat around on chairs and the big couch in the studio, none of us saying much as our producer started setting things up. The room was definitely tense. I kept my mouth shut, not wanting to take the lead here. 

“So, Jordan and I were discussing how we wanted to add you in,” Taylor started, and I instantly relaxed. I was glad this was a discussion they already had. 

“Yeah, just tell me what you guys want,” I nodded eagerly. 

“We figured you would just take Jordan’s parts in the verses, like you were already doing on tour. The bridge is really what needs to get decided,” she explained and my mind was instantly racing with ideas. 

“I like that. The bridge is super high energy so we should definitely spend time on that, but let’s get working on the verse then,” I got up and headed into the booth. 

The next few hours flew by. Recording my solos on the verses was relatively easy since it was just me. The rest of the song took more focus. All three of us harmonized together on the chorus, and we finally worked out how we wanted the bridge to fit together. I was relieved to find out that Taylor and I worked really well together. She had a lot of ideas but was open to suggestions, and it was easy to see from the way that Tay and Jordan collaborated and bounced things off each other that this was a typical part of her recording process. By the end of the day I was having so much fun trying new things with both of them and creating the song in a way that was truly reflective of all three of us. 

Around 7:00 that evening we decided to call it quits. We didn’t have much left to do and had the studio booked the next morning to finish it up. I knew we were all buzzing from such a productive day, and now I was thrilled to have the night with Taylor. 

“Let’s go get a drink and talk about the music video,” I said as we packed up our things in the studio. Jordan shot Taylor a look. 

“I’m pretty tired, maybe I’ll just go back to the hotel and chill,” Jordan shrugged. 

“No way I don’t show you a good time while you’re in my hometown,” I shook my head, refusing to accept his denial. 

“Alright, just one drink though, I don’t want to be out late,” he gave in. 

I took Jordan and Taylor over to one of my favorite restaurants in town- nothing fancy, but they had great burgers. We got a round of drinks and food and easily fell into a conversation about the music video for the song. 

“I think the video should revolve around the two of you trying to be romantic or something but you keep getting interrupted by the rest of us,” Jordan said between bites after we had been discussing aesthetics of a video. 

“Why would it be about us?” Taylor quickly got defensive. 

“First, because you’re dating, and second, the fans lost it when you two sang together and so much as put an arm around each other. They would love a whole video teasing at that,” Jordan shrugged. 

“Our music is about more than pleasing fangirls who want to see Alex date someone,” Taylor rolled her eyes. 

“Sure, but this is a love song. You’re performing it with another singer who happens to have a huge fan base. Let’s give the people what they want and stir the pot of ‘will they, won’t they,’” Jordan pointed out.

“I don’t like exploiting my dating life for video views,” she shook her head. 

“What do you think?” Jordan turned to me. I swallowed my burger nervously. I had been trying to stay out of this debate- I knew how much Taylor was bothered by the idea of people overlooking her music to speculate about us being together. 

“I don’t know, it sounds like fun. But it’s your song, I’ll do whatever you guys want,” I tried to be noncommittal with my response. 

“See, Alex is on board,” Jordan smirked. 

“It’s not just our song, your name is going to be on it now too. I don’t want to take advantage of you,” Taylor said and I tried to choke back a laugh. 

“Have you met my fans? They’re constantly pulling things out of nothing, so why not give them something for once,” I laughed. Jordan cheered and Taylor looked annoyed, but I had a feeling she would be happy about it once we actually got to work on it. 

We finished dinner and Jordan insisted on going back to the hotel. I felt bad leaving him behind but I could tell he was trying to be respectful of Taylor and I spending some time together. I couldn't pretend I wasn’t excited to spend alone with her though. 

Taylor and I had another drink at the restaurant after Jordan left, deciding to just relax. It was a little weird to have her here at one of my favorite hangouts with me, but in a good way. 

“Thanks for being so nice to Jordan today,” she smiled up at me from behind her beer. 

“Of course I’m going to be nice to him, he’s your friend,” I shrugged. 

“But you didn’t have to include him with dinner and everything, he would have understood if we wanted some alone time,” she explained. 

“I know, but he’s the first one of your friends you’ve told about us. I feel like I have to make a good impression,” I reached out and grabbed her hand across the table, giving it a quick squeeze. Taylor blushed and my heart was instantly racing. 

“I’m not used to you being this sweet,” she laughed. 

“Well then, here’s a less sweet question for you- where are you staying tonight?” I asked. Taylor’s backpack was still in the trunk of my car from when I picked her up this morning, and I knew the label had booked hotel rooms for her and Jordan. I had been thinking about it since we made the plans to re-record the song, but hadn’t found the right time to ask Taylor to spend the night with me. 

“I didn’t know there were choices,” she raised an eyebrow at me playfully. 

“I can take you back to your hotel whenever you would like, or I’d love to have you at my place,” I said cautiously, not wanting to put too much pressure on this situation. We had spent the night together twice while on tour but it felt more serious having her stay at my apartment instead of in a hotel together. 

“I’m genuinely concerned about how messy your apartment may be, it could be a health hazard,” Taylor teased.

“I cleaned up just for you,” I admitted, making her laugh. 

“Let me be the judge of whether it’s really clean or not,” she smiled up at me. 

“Don’t be too harsh on me, I don’t have much experience as a housewife,” I put my hands up.

“Oh no, the poor rockstar doesn’t have a maid at home like he does in hotel rooms?” Taylor said in a fake sad voice, making me laugh. 

“Alright, fair enough. Are you ready to head home?” I saw her beer was nearly finished. 

“Let’s do it,” Taylor smiled.

_ Casually dropping a line designed to keep you next to me _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled on where to cut this chapter because I didn't want it to be obnoxiously long. So more to come on their evening together in Baltimore.


	17. Chapter 17

Alex’s apartment was shockingly nice. We were on the top floor of what appeared to be a pretty new building in downtown Baltimore. A wall of windows greeted you when you walked in, with a view of the harbor to one side and the city on the other. The living space was modern, with an open kitchen, big island, and over-sized couch in front of a flat screen TV. The decor was pretty simple, but I noticed items that Alex must have collected while touring around the world. Completing the space were several guitars sitting in the corner by the couch. 

“Home sweet home,” he said modestly as I took it all in, “it’s not too much, but it’s enough for me.”

“Not too much? Alex, this is nicer than my parent’s house,” I said in disbelief. 

“Alright, it’s pretty nice. I bought the place a few years ago when we started making real money. And before I realized how little time I would actually spend in it,” he chuckled. 

“Fair enough. Well, give me the grand tour,” I gestured around. 

Alex showed me where the two bedrooms and bathrooms were just down the hall. The master bedroom- his bedroom- was a little messier than his living space which honestly made me relieved. I saw more signs of the guy I had gotten to know on tour in the unmade bed and basket of laundry he hadn’t put away than in the shiny counter tops and massive TV I first encountered. The second bedroom had a full sized bed for when guests came over- according to Alex, it had only been used twice in the three years he owned the place- as well as a large desk and computer setup for recording music at home. He explained that he often recorded demos here and sent them to the guys to get their feedback before they went into the studio. 

Back in his living room, he began pointing out to me where he got certain pieces of art or why he has several large beer steins. I couldn’t help but laugh and smile watching Alex’s eyes light up telling me stories about where he got these things. It was easy to see how much of his life was outside this apartment, but that he tried to bring the experience of life on the road back here. 

“Want to take a drink up to the roof?” he asked when his tour was finished.

“I would love that,” I smiled. He handed me a bottle of Maker’s Mark and two glasses while he grabbed two big blankets off the couch. We walked up a set of stairs just outside the apartment to a large rooftop. It was February, but the weather was mild and only around 45 degrees and clear. Alex led me over to some outdoor patio furniture and we settled in next to each other on a bench, each wrapped in one of the blankets he brought with us. 

“Cheers to a beautiful night in Baltimore,” I said after we both had a glass of whiskey in hand. 

“Cheers,” Alex smiled at me before taking a sip. He looked out at the view of the city and seemed lost in thought for a moment. 

“Penny for your thoughts?” I asked when he stayed quiet for another minute. 

“Where do you see yourself in five years?” He asked, taking me totally by surprise. 

“Definitely still making music, hopefully as a part of We Are The In Crowd, but definitely in some capacity. I guess I hope we’ve had an album or single on top of the charts by then, that we’re headlining shows and getting to travel even more. Why are you asking me this?” I said thoughtfully. In all honesty, it wasn’t something I thought about too much. 

“I grew up here and I love this city, but for some reason having you here- it reminds me that most of the time this doesn’t feel like my home anymore. I’m realizing that I have more memories in a tour bus than I do in my own apartment,” Alex gave me a half-hearted smile but I could tell this realization made him sad.

“That’s the life we live though, always on the road to wherever our music takes us,” I said gently. 

“True.It’s just funny that your plans for the future don’t mention where you want to live. I used to think my future plans would involve living here in Baltimore, but I’m really only here a month or two out of the year. Maybe my future means living somewhere else,” he mused. 

“We’ve been touring the last couple of years so much that I don’t really think about home,” I shrugged. 

“Why do I get the feeling you don’t worry about things the same way I do?” Alex laughed, moving so he could wrap one arm around me over our blankets. 

“You definitely get more anxious and worried when you’re drunk,” I pointed out. 

“First of all, I’m not drunk, and second of all that’s hardly true!” he protested. 

“I’ve seen moody drunk Alex enough to know him when I see him,” I couldn’t help but remember how he was at the start of our UK tour. 

“Alright, fine, maybe sometimes,” he conceded. 

“You need to just relax and enjoy the night,” I nudged him with my elbow, making him laugh again. 

“I promise I’ll stop being all sappy now, I just wanted you to know that having you here makes this feel more like home and not just a place I am when my real life is on pause,” his arm tightened around me and I fought off a blush, thankful he couldn’t see it in the dark.

“Shut up and have some more whiskey,” I stuck my tongue out at him and grabbed the bottle to fill our glasses, breaking the somber mood. 

…

Waking up next to Alex felt almost too good- the kind of warm feeling in your gut that you know could be ripped away at any moment. The first time we shared a bed I was too nervous about what was happening between us to really enjoy it. The second time neither of us got more than three hours of sleep and I was too exhausted to feel much beyond my sadness at the impending departure. 

This was our first chance to have a somewhat lazy morning together. Our studio session didn’t start until 9, and the sun woke me up around 7. I lay in bed, watching Alex’s chest rise and fall. Part of me wanted to reach over and cover him with kisses, and the other part was content to watch him lay peacefully all morning. 

After about 10 minutes of laying in bed, half awake, I gave in and decided I was up for the day and that meant coffee. I climbed out of bed as quietly as I could. I was wearing one of Alex’s t-shirts, but picked up a throw blanket in the living room to wrap around my shoulders. A coffee machine sat on the counter, but it took some digging through the cabinets to find his coffee grounds and mugs. 

“What are you doing?”

I heard a sleepy voice behind me and turned to see Alex rubbing his eyes. My gaze trailed down his bare chest, greedily taking in the site of him in nothing but a pair of sweatpants before addressing his question.

“It’s morning, I need coffee,” I explained.

“Fine, but it sounded like you were cooking a ten course meal out here with all the banging around,” he teased. 

“Not my fault that you make it hard to find the coffee,” I shrugged. 

“That’s because I have better ways to wake you up in the morning,” he smirked, walking over and wrapping his arms around me. He started to trail light kisses down my neck, making me shiver.

“Oh really?” I tried to keep my response level, but my breath hitched as he hit my collarbone. 

“Come back to bed,” he whispered in my ear before gently nibbling it. He was right- I was now more awake than I would have been from a cup of coffee. I eagerly kissed him and let him guide me back to his bedroom. 

…

We spent about three hours at the studio putting the finishing touches on Kiss Me Again. It sounded incredible. When you’re performing live, you can’t always hear yourself or the others onstage very well, but hearing my voice with Alex’s on the recording I immediately understood what Mike had first realized when we sang together in the UK. We really did complement each other well, and the harmonies were perfect. 

My excitement about the song wasn’t enough to overshadow how sad I was to be leaving Alex again. It was such a quick trip- not nearly enough time to really settle in to being with him again. I wasn’t looking forward to going back to phone calls when I really wanted to cuddle up next to him. 

Alex drove Jordan and I back to the airport for our flights. Thankfully, Jordan gave Alex a quick goodbye and told me he would be waiting inside. It would have been mortifying saying goodbye to Alex in front of Jordan. 

“So, hopefully we’ll film a video soon and I can see you then,” Alex said. 

“And then what?” I bit my lip. This wasn’t the time for this conversation but spending the night at Alex’s place had made me think too much about what a future with him could look like. I was tired of waiting to find out. 

“I don’t know, Tay. We’re going on Warped Tour all summer after we finish the album, or most of it,” Alex sighed, running his fingers through his hair.

“Will you come visit me?” I asked hopefully.

“I would love to come visit you,” he smiled, seeming relaxed to be let off the hook with a relatively easy question. 

“I’m sorry to put you on the spot, I just hate saying goodbye,” I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him into a hug.

“Me too. But I promise it’s not forever,” he squeezed me to him. 

“I know, but it sure does feel like it,” I leaned back to give him a kiss.

“Come back any time,” Alex said quietly before kissing me one more time. I took a deep breath and pulled out of his arms. He offered me a sad smile before I headed back home.

_ Why can’t Thursday last forever? _


	18. Chapter 18

Much to my surprise, the label pulled everything together for the music video only a week after we recorded the song. They hadn’t told us when they wanted to release it, but it seemed like they were trying to ride the momentum of us touring together as much as possible by releasing this quickly. I wasn’t going to complain- shooting the music video meant spending two nights with Taylor in her hometown. The label decided it was cheap to do there and easy to get a director out of New York City.

Unfortunately, about two days before I was due to fly out Taylor started feeling really sick. She had a fever and a bad cough when I called her to chat one afternoon. Originally she planned to pick me up from the airport, but called the morning I was leaving to tell me she was going to see a doctor, and her cough had gotten even worse. 

I picked up a rental car and made the drive up to Poughkeepsie, Taylor’s hometown. It was only about an hour and a half drive, and became increasingly scenic as I left New York City behind me. It was hard to believe you were so close to NYC when you pulled into this town; it felt small and pretty rural. The main part of town was along a river and very quaint. I had not pictured Taylor living somewhere like this. 

I followed the directions Taylor had given me and parked behind one of the storefronts in the downtown area. The door to the stairs was open, and I walked up to find two doors- unit 1 and unit 2- and knocked on door 1. I was bouncing where I stood, excited to see her. 

“Hi,” Taylor opened the door and smiled at me weakly. She was in sweatpants and a big sweatshirt, hair pulled up in a bun. I could instantly tell she didn’t feel good, but I didn’t care. I wrapped her up in a big hug. 

“Hey gorgeous, how are you feeling,” I asked. 

“Terrible,” she chuckled. I let her out of the hug so we could walk into her apartment. 

“I’m here to make it all better,” I announced. 

“Actually, this cough medicine they gave me is what is supposed to make me feel better- I have bronchitis,” she told me, looking sad. 

“Well at least they gave you something to help,” I tried to stay positive. 

“I know, but this sucks. I was so excited to see you and get to show you around. The music video shoot is supposed to be so fun, all our friends are basically coming to throw a giant house party. I’m not going to be able to enjoy any of it,” she pouted as she fell back on the couch. 

“Hey, I know it’s not turning out how you planned, but I am thrilled to see you even if you have some highly contagious disease,” I teased, making her smile.

“I apologize that all you get to see of Poughkeepsie is my living room,” she smirked, “and it’s far less glamorous than yours.” 

It’s true, Taylor’s apartment was pretty small. When we walked in, we passed a small galley kitchen that opens into a living space. She had a little table with only three chairs that looked like a hand me down, and a futon that we were currently sitting on across from a TV. There was a hallway that looked like it led to her bedroom and bathroom. The place was cozy though; it was clean and she had a number of plants lined up by the window, and fun pictures of family and friends covered the walls. It really felt lived in, and like this was her home. 

“No offense to Poughkeepsie, but you’re the only attraction I wanted to see while I was here,” I said and she rolled her eyes at my cheesy line. 

“Will you ever stop it with the corny lines?”

“Nope.”

“Fine. I thought we could order takeout from this restaurant down the street- I’m in no shape to go out anywhere or cook. Plus they have great chicken noodle soup,” Taylor walked over to her table and brought back a takeout menu that was clearly well used- it must be a favorite place of hers. 

We ordered food and I walked a block down the street to pick it up for us, swinging by a pharmacy I saw across the street to stock up on Pedialyte and cough drops for Taylor. We settled in on the couch, eating our dinner and watching Say Anything, the romcom that our music video was going to be based off of tomorrow. It wasn’t an exciting night by any means, but I loved having Taylor snuggled up beside me. 

After the movie finished I got up and started to clean up our mess from dinner. Taylor yawned. It was only 10 pm but I knew she needed to rest, especially with a busy day of filming tomorrow. 

“This is so lame, I’m so sorry that I’m ready for bed already,” she shook her head, making fun of herself. 

“You need to go to bed and rest. But first, I have a little surprise for you,” I said, heading over to where my backpack sat on the floor. I pulled out the notebook I used for my lyrics and her eyebrows instantly shot up when she recognized it. 

“What are you talking about?” She asked as I settled back on the futon next to her. 

“I know you’re going to make fun of me for being cheesy or whatever, but after you spend the night in Baltimore...I don’t know, I got inspired. I wrote a song,” I shrugged nervously. I knew she always teased me for being emotional but song lyrics were personal. I was a little worried how she was going to react seeing a song that was written about her and our time together. 

She took the notebook out of my hands and began to read the lyrics: 

_Mayday situation overload_

_I'm restless, obsessed with your future_

_And all my worries they don't bother you_

_Collected, you render me useless_

_But I carry on_

_Right now, I think that you think that I'm_

_Half drunk, searching for something of_

_Substance, casually dropping a line, designed_

_To keep you next to me_

_I can't awkwardly craft in advance_

_I know, that you wouldn't fall for that_

_You say "Shut up and take my hand"_

_And we carry on_

_I don't wanna say goodnight_

_The city comes alive, when we're together_

_Why can't Thursday last forever_

_I don't wanna say goodnight_

_I've never been so sure_

_Just do it for the memories_

_Do it for Baltimore_

_And do it for me_

_Hot damn, look at me now_

_I'm all, caught up riding the high of my_

_Good luck, casually dropping a line, designed,_

_To keep you next to me_

_I bet you never thought you would fall again_

_So much for keeping this, just friends_

_Shut up and kiss me now_

_And we carry on_

She sat thoughtfully for a minute, rereading several of the lines while I nervously played with my hands. It wasn’t an overly sappy love song- god knows that Taylor would hate that. But it was definitely a stronger depiction of how I felt about her than I had ever let on. 

“I’m pretty sure I said ‘shut up and have another drink’ and not ‘shut up and take my hand,’” she pointed out. 

“Well my line is much cuter. And I’m pretty sure shut up and drink more wouldn’t fit anyway,” I laughed. 

“Alex, this is actually amazing,” she looked up at me, catching my eye and making my heart stop. 

“You think so?” I ran my hands through my hair. 

“It’s so poetic, and...I don’t know. It makes me feel like I’m sitting on that rooftop next to you again,” she smiled to herself as she looked back down at the words. 

“It was a pretty perfect night,” I couldn't’ help but smile. 

“I don’t know what else to say. I don’t think anyone has ever written me a song. And definitely not a song this good,” she was blushing. 

“Well I sent a demo to the guys two days ago and they really liked it. We’re going to start working on it next week in the studio, so I figured you should know about it before it drops as our next single or something,” I laughed. 

“I appreciate that,” she said before breaking out in a coughing fit. 

“I think it’s time you go to bed though,” I raised an eyebrow at her. 

“Sure, mom,” she rolled her eyes at me, and got up from the couch. I started pulling out the futon so it lay flat like a bed, and adjusting the pillows and blankets. Taylor looked at me confused. 

“What are you doing?” She asked.

“You need to rest and not worry about an unbelievably hot guy being in bed with you all night. I’ll stay on the couch. Go sleep,” I explained. 

“Alex,” she started to protest. 

“Seriously, I want you to feel better for filming tomorrow. I know that sleeping with me won’t help,” I held up a hand to stop her, my voice becoming serious. 

“You’re probably right,” she sighed. I pulled her into a hug and kissed her on the forehead. 

“Do you want me to come tuck you in?” I asked in a playful voice and she lightly slapped my chest, pushing me away. 

“Ew, don’t be weird. Goodnight Alex, I’ll see you in the morning,” she laughed, heading to her bedroom. I fell back on the futon feeling like I didn’t have a care in the world. 

_ I know I sound crazy _

_ Don’t you see what you do to me? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not entirely sure if For Baltimore is about Taylor in real life but I think most of the Don't Panic album is centered around that relationship. Anyway, it's one of my favorite songs from that album so I couldn't help myself in writing a chapter to fit it, and it fell into the story line so perfectly. All this cuteness won't last forever though.


	19. Chapter 19

It was just my luck that I was still pretty sick the day of the music video shoot. I hated to admit that Alex was right, I slept better with him on the couch. A good night’s sleep still wasn’t quite enough to kick this bronchitis. 

The shoot started with a scene of us performing inside a house party. We played the song over and over as the camera worked on different shots of each of the band members, as well as Alex and I singing. Luckily we didn’t have to actually play- my voice was too messed up from the bronchitis to be singing live right now, and I didn’t want to be embarrassed in front of our friends that were all acting as our dancing crowd. 

“Cut!” The director yelled and I quickly went to the other room to grab a cup of tea. It was the only thing keeping me going right now. 

“Taylor, I know you’re sick but I have to be honest- in most takes you look miserable,” the director sighed as he came over to me. 

“I feel pretty miserable if it’s any consolation,” I shrugged, not really in the mood for any of this. 

“Hey, you doing okay?” Alex came over and threw his arm around me, earning himself a soft smile from me. 

“Yeah, been better,” I said. The director’s eyes lit up.

“See, this is the energy I need from you- it doesn’t have to be over the top, but give me some kind of smile! Maybe I just need you two interacting more,” the director mused as he watched Alex and I. 

“I’m great at making her smile,” Alex bragged and I rolled my eyes. 

“Anything to be done with this part of filming,” I laughed. 

We headed back on set and I did my best to dance around more, adding as much energy as I could. It was hard to stay motivated when I knew we had hours of the shoot ahead of us still, but I understood what the director was going for. This was supposed to be a high energy video. 

Even I could feel that a lot of my smiles looked fake. The director continued to look displeased from his seat behind the camera and I was getting frustrated. How much more of this was I going to have to endure?

The second verse of the song played for what felt like the millionth time, and I grabbed the mic to do my part. I tried to stay focused on the crowd in front of me, but noticed Alex coming towards me from the corner of my eye. Without any warning I saw him lean down and plant a few kisses along my shoulder, instantly causing me to break into a big smile. I’m sure he just ruined the shot, but I was thankful for him taking my mind off the shoot for even a few seconds. 

“Cut! That’s a wrap on this scene!” The director yelled after the song finished. Alex came and gave me a quick hug before we were all ushered off to change into our other costumes. 

There was a quick scene between Alex and I meeting outside this house party that luckily only took a few shots to get right. We piled into a big SUV with a bunch of our friends, Alex and I in the front seat. It took a lot of self control not to laugh at how drunk my friends were in the backseat. The story line was that Alex was trying to take me out and all these friends crashed our date, or something. The cough syrup was honestly making me feel a little out of it, and I wasn’t paying close attention when the director was telling us about this scene. Luckily all I had to do was act somewhat annoyed at the party taking place behind me. 

Alex kept cracking jokes between takes and playing with the radio, putting on the most obnoxious music he could find. All our friends were eating it up. Despite feeling sick, I couldn’t help but admire the way Alex interacted with all my friends, clearly putting on a show to try and win them over. I hadn’t officially told anyone other than Jordan that we were together, but it was clear to everyone on set that we were an item. 

Finally, we shot the last scene of the music video. Alex drops me off at what is supposed to be my house, then runs after me to finally make a move and kiss me. According to the director, we wouldn’t actually show the kiss in the video but we would need shots of us kissing for them to be able to time the ending correctly.

“You mean I have to kiss her?” Alex teased as we stood outside the house, positioned to film that last shot. 

“I know it will be hard for you, but don’t worry I made sure to eat pure garlic cloves before this scene. I heard it helps kill bronchitis, I don’t want you to get sick,” I stuck my tongue out at him. 

“If you were actually sick you wouldn’t have the energy to torment me like this, I think it’s all an act,” he jokingly accused.

“You caught me, I needed a good excuse as to why I am so unhappy being here with you,” I laughed, and he feigned hurt. 

“Are you two ready?” the director called. We both nodded and tried to shake off the laughter, looking seriously at each other. 

The director called action and Alex gently brushed the hair back from my face and leaned in for a kiss. It was a quick peck, since we knew we didn’t need a long take of us kissing. Butterflies still erupted in my stomach from that simple kiss. We had to do it about a dozen more times as they tried a few angles, which made it less romantic but I didn’t mind anyway. 

We wrapped filming shortly after that, and I was exhausted. I could tell all our friends wanted to stay and party on set for a while, celebrating the music video but I could barely keep my eyes open. Luckily, Alex made the excuse for me and took me home. 

…

The song was released a few weeks later, and the video finally aired at the end of March. It generated a lot of buzz- especially the scenes of Alex and I almost kissing and him nuzzling my shoulder, which I was surprised made the final cut. Alex had been pretty open about his relationship with Lisa in the past so I think it surprised fans to see him with someone new. Neither of us really commented on it- I didn’t think it was really anyone’s business that we were together- but we didn’t deny it either. I did my best to avoid reading comments about it all over social media.

We started playing shows again, traveling around some but not on a full tour. Mostly we picked up gigs wherever we could get them. I had started writing a lot again, inspired by Alex’s dedication to their new album and was hoping we could get some studio time soon. 

After the music video dropped, we got the call from our label that they wanted us to go on Warped Tour. All Time Low had been committed to playing it for a while, and they wanted us performing Kiss Me Again live with Alex as much as possible. Sales of the single had been pretty good, but they hoped the tour would boost it even more. 

“Alex, we’re going on Warped Tour with you guys!” I cheered into the phone as soon as I got the news. 

“You’re kidding, that’s amazing,” he said excitedly.

“I know, and they want us to keep performing the song together. It’s going to be great,” I smiled, thinking about performing with Alex again.

“We’ll get to spend the whole summer together. I’ll show you the ropes of Warped Tour, it’s basically a giant party,” he said. 

“Most tours are a giant party,” I raised an eyebrow, remembering how many nights we spent in pubs in the UK.

“I don’t think you’re ready for it,” he teased.

“It’s going to be an amazing summer,” I grinned ear to ear. Waiting two months to get on tour again would suck, but it would be worth the wait.

_ Got a van, got a chance, got my dignity _

_ Got a dream, got a spark, got somewhere to be _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was a little bit of filler, but I cannot wait for the next chapter. 
> 
> And if you want to see what I was writing about, go check out the Kiss Me Again music video :) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BM3Rv2RO1Do


	20. Chapter 20

Long distance was somehow harder now that I knew I wouldn’t be seeing Taylor for several months. Before we set the dates for recording the song and shooting the video I knew that we could go weeks without seeing each other, but now there was no hope. I was stuck waiting until June and trying not to get hung up on it. 

We kept working in the studio but started playing shows again too. Normally this was my favorite time in the band- creating new music but still getting to see fans and perform. We get to spend more time at home now than usual; I guess when I had a girlfriend who lived here that made it more exciting to be home. 

It was a Saturday afternoon in May. Warped tour was only a few weeks away but it still felt like it would be forever until I saw Taylor again. They were performing again too, which made it even harder to find time to keep up with each other. Our saving grace right now was the fact we would be on the road together again soon. 

My phone started to ring around 3 pm, and I was shocked to see it was Lisa calling. We hadn’t spoken since the breakup in December. My heart immediately started pounding and my gut flooded with worry. We may not be in a great place but I would always care for her, and a call out of the blue usually meant something was wrong. 

“Hello?” I answered nervously. 

“Hey Alex, what’s up?” She said in a light tone, throwing me off guard. 

“Not much, just at home. What’s up with you?” I asked cautiously. 

“Do you have plans tonight?”

“What?”

“You heard me- do you have plans tonight?”

“Maybe grabbing a drink with the guys…” I stumbled over my words. I didn’t have any real plans- maybe text Jack and go watch a baseball game together at a bar. Somehow admitting that seemed like a trap though. 

“I could really use a favor,” she began in a tone that normally got me to do anything she wanted. 

“What is it?” I said, running my fingers through my hair.

“It’s Katie and Mark’s wedding today. My friend Angela was supposed to come with me as a date, but she got food poisoning and is bailing on me last minute. Like, literally throwing up at the church during the ceremony type food poisoning. I swear. I don’t want to miss their reception but I don’t want to go alone either. You know Katie and I were friends since we were little but I don’t really know many people they hang out with these days either. I was hoping maybe you could come with me,” Lisa explained, talking quickly, almost sounding nervous herself. 

I remembered Katie and Mark from high school- and of course knew that Lisa was her friend. I always liked them as a couple. Chances were I would know some other high school friends at the wedding, but Lisa was right that it was a group of people we didn’t really talk to anymore. 

“I don’t know,” I sighed, unsure what to do. 

“It’s free drinks and dinner. I already bought their wedding gift and everything, so all you have to do is show up,” she tried to talk me into it. 

“This isn’t a date,” I said firmly. 

“Obviously not, Alex. I’m just asking you for a favor- as my friend,” she said quietly. That hit home for me. I had always told her, no matter what hell we were going through, that she would always be my friend that she could count on. 

“Can I think about it?” I finally said. 

“Sure, but the reception starts in two hours so I need you to think quickly,” she said. I quickly hung up and paced around my apartment. What was I going to do?

I picked up my phone to call Taylor. She would have a good answer for me. 

“Hey!” She practically yelled into the phone. I was greeted with the sounds of talking and laughing loudly nearly drowning her out. 

“Hey, you have a minute?” I asked. 

“Uh, not really, we have a sound check in a few minutes. I’m backstage with the guys- ow, don’t throw that!” She burst into laughter, obviously distracted.

“I don’t want to bother you,” I shrugged.

“You’re no bother, just wanted to make sure you didn’t need anything before I head onstage,” she said, and I could hear the background noise getting softer, as if she had walked away from the crowd.

“Go have a great show tonight, babe, I’m all good,” I smiled. 

“Thanks, I’ll talk to you later!” She said before hanging up. 

I may not have talked to Taylor about going to the wedding, but just that quick conversation was all the confirmation I needed. Taylor was the only one I wanted- I didn’t have to worry about falling back into things with Lisa. I was completely over her, and completely head over heels for someone new. 

_I’ll pick you up at 5_ I texted Lisa before jumping in the shower, hoping my suit was clean. 

…

“How could we forget the first time Alex got drunk? We were all at that house party the next time over and he couldn’t even walk up the stairs, he had to crawl to get to the bathroom,” Lisa was laughing hysterically, reminiscing with the bride and groom on all our misadventures at 16. I couldn’t help but laugh as well. We were all such stupid kids. 

“Let’s not forget the time I had to carry Lisa home,” I shot back at her, making the bride howl in laughter.

“She was so embarrassed! She called me the next day to ask how to transfer schools- she didn’t want to show her face to you again,” Katie told me, and I looked at Lisa with surprise. 

“Listen, sometimes you just want to run away from your problems,” She chuckled. 

We let Katie and Mark get back to greeting their other guests, taking a seat at our table. Lisa was on probably her sixth glass of wine. I was nursing my beer, well aware that I was driving us home tonight and couldn’t drink like I used to at 16. 

“We had a lot of fun back then,” Lisa sighed as we settled in at our table. Everyone else was up on the dance floor. 

“Absolutely we did,” I shook my head, too many memories coming back all at once.

“We still have fun though, right Alex?” She asked, and I noticed her words starting to slur together. I knew we were approaching dangerous territory. 

“Lisa, having fun with you was never a problem,” I smiled. It was true- when we were together, we had a blast. The issues always came up when we were apart. 

“You still don’t want to settle down and be serious though, just fun,” she looked at me, a sad expression crossing her face. 

“Be honest with me- is this really what you want? A big wedding reception with your high school sweetheart at only 25?” I asked her. Katie and Mark’s wedding was beautiful, but had been a clear reminder to me of why I jumped in a van at 18 and got out of this town as fast as I could. 

“No, you’re right. It’s not what I want today. But it’s what I want someday,” she looked around wistfully. 

“I’m sure your wedding will be beautiful and you’ll find someone amazing. I’ve never doubted that for a second,” I gave her hand a gentle squeeze. 

“You know what the worst part of all this is? That you’re still a good guy even after being such a piece of shit,” she said, making me laugh. I knew it was her way of complimenting me. 

“You too, kiddo. Come on, let’s go dance,” I pulled her away from the table, hoping that dancing would keep her from drinking more wine and wanting to talk about our past relationship. 

As we neared the end of the reception, Lisa only got more and more drunk. I had to help her strap her heels back on- they had been removed while we were on the dance floor and now her fingers couldn’t operate the tiny straps. I recognized that she was at the point where she would probably be asleep as soon as I got her in the car. 

“Hey, I think I’m just going to take you back to my place to spend the night,” I said to her as we drove off from the reception. 

“Sure,” she mumbled, head already leaning against the window with her eyes closed. I chuckled to myself at this familiar scene. 

We got back to my place, and I ended up carrying her out of the car to my apartment like a kid who fell asleep on a long road trip. I woke her up long enough to give her one of my old t-shirts and a glass of water before tucking her into bed in my guest bedroom. She had spent enough nights at my condo that I knew she wouldn’t freak out waking up there alone the next morning. 

I sent Taylor a sweet goodnight text as I went to bed myself. It had been such a fun night of reminiscing, but now I couldn’t wait to get back on tour with the girl I really wanted. 

_ Rush of the past, _

_ I quietly crash and the tables turn _


	21. Chapter 21

I woke up on Monday morning to a million notifications on my phone. Confused, I started to scroll through Twitter which was blowing up. People kept commenting things about me and Alex, and then things about him and Lisa. This honestly wasn’t the first time- a lot of All Time Low fans had strong opinions about who the guys were dating, and I had seen these types of comments before. I generally ignored them. 

I kept scrolling, and suddenly my heart stopped. 

There was a picture of Alex with Lisa. It looked like they were at someone’s wedding. She had posted it yesterday. 

He was with her at a wedding this weekend. 

It looked like he was her date. 

The room started to spin. I had to put down my phone and shut my eyes. No, this couldn’t be happening. He told me that he cared about me, that he wanted to be with me. The last few months he had been nothing but sweet and attentive. This didn’t make any sense. The picture had to be an old picture, I must have misread it. 

I looked at the picture again. No, it was posted yesterday. He had just gotten a haircut a few days ago- he had shown it off to me on Facetime- and that was his fresh haircut in the picture.

Had all of this just been a lie? He had done all the right things, said all the right things- but maybe I was just his distraction while he was on tour and trying to get over her. Alex told me himself that Baltimore didn’t always feel like home. Maybe he was getting lonely there, bored without going on tour, and decided to call her again.

My heart was pounding in my chest, adrenaline coursing through my veins. I had voiced my concerns to him that he was using me to get over Lisa. We specifically talked about their relationship, and he told me to my face he didn’t want her back. Clearly nothing he told me was true. 

I began to pace around my apartment. I tried to call him, but was sent straight to voicemail. He was probably already in the studio. Damn him. 

A few hours went by. I tried not to keep looking at the picture, but I couldn’t help it. I over analyzed every detail, from her caption making fun of their red eyes in the picture to how closely Lisa leaned into him. I couldn’t tell from his expression if he was happy or just drunk, but as the hours ticked by I became more convinced he must have been happy. He loved this girl for years- of course he was happy being back with her. 

Finally, mid-afternoon, my phone rang. It was Alex. 

“What the fuck, Alex.” I deadpanned, in no mood for pleasantries. 

“Hey, sorry I’ve been in the studio all afternoon so I couldn’t get away to answer my phone,” he apologized.

“I really do not give a fuck right now- _how could you?!_ ” My voice was shaking with anger, and I began to pace to try and calm myself down. 

“What are you talking about?” he said, sounding completely caught off guard. 

“What am I talking about? Are you kidding me? You went on a date with Lisa and didn’t even bother to tell me?!” I yelled into the phone. 

“Listen, it’s not what you think,” he started but I didn’t want to hear it. 

“Not what I think? What am I supposed to think when your ex girlfriend posts a picture of you two together at a wedding and I get to find out through hundreds of your fans tagging me in posts about it?” I could barely get the words out, I was talking so quickly and bursting with anger. 

“Jesus, Taylor, I’m sorry- that is not how I wanted to have this conversation,” I could hear Alex sigh, and my heart stopped. Have what conversation? That he wanted to get back with Lisa?

“What does that mean?” I asked angrily. 

“Tay, please, I am telling you that nothing happened, I’m friends with the couple getting married too and then Lisa had too much to drink so I brought her home-”

“She went back to your place?!” my mouth dropped, I was so shocked and angry.

“To sleep in the guest room! Nothing happened!” Alex insisted.

“I don’t believe you,” I said quietly, the anger suddenly disappearing out of me as I came to that realization. I had been waiting all day to talk to him, to find a reason to believe this wasn’t what it looked like but it hit me like a truck that I wasn’t going to believe anything he said to me. I didn’t trust him anymore. 

“I’m not lying,” he said defensively. 

“Alex, you told me you were done with her,” the tears were starting to build in my eyes. 

“I am, Taylor I am. You are the only one I want to be with,” he pleaded. 

“I only ever asked you to be honest with me,” I whispered, shutting my eyes as the first tear fell down my cheek. 

“This is me being honest with you, I swear that I will tell you the entire story. Nothing has changed, I’m still crazy about you,” he said, and I could hear him getting emotional on the phone as he realized this might be bigger than a fight. 

“Did you tell her you were seeing me?” I could barely get myself to say the words. The only sliver of hope left in me insisted I try. It felt like my whole world was hanging in the silence that followed my question. 

“It didn’t come up, but-”

“Goodbye, Alex.” 

I hung up the phone and dropped it to the ground, dropping onto my couch and curling into a ball, letting the sobs wrack through me. 

…

I heard her hang up and I swore, immediately calling her back. The phone went to voicemail. I called again and again, and she still refused to pick up. I checked my watch and realized I needed to get back into the studio. All I wanted was to talk to Taylor- hell, what I really wanted was to drive to New York right now and fix everything. But I knew I had a job to do, so I sent her a text asking her to please call me, and went back inside. 

I was distracted the rest of the afternoon, constantly checking my phone but didn’t hear anything from her. My mind was spinning. I knew that she would be mad about me going to the wedding with Lisa- but of course Lisa had to beat me to the punch by posting a picture before I got the chance to tell Taylor the story. It was innocent. It didn’t mean anything to me. But I knew it looked about as bad as it possibly could. 

That night I called over and over, leaving her probably ten voicemails. I was desperate to hear anything from her. I thought about calling one of the guys in her band, but worried that they may not even know what had happened and then Taylor would only be more hurt that I was sharing our private issues with them. 

For the next week, I texted her every morning and called and left a voicemail every night. She was radio silent on all social media and completely ignored all my calls and texts. It was like banging my head against a brick wall. 

The guys in the band could tell something was wrong, and after three days of me being moody and short-tempered they forced me to explain what was going on. Rian just shook his head, telling me I screwed this one up and there probably wasn’t any way to come back from this. Zack just clapped me on the shoulder and made a joke about all the girls I would get on Warped Tour. Jack seemed the most understanding of all, but surprised me when he said “if she really cared, she would pick up the phone and work this out with you.” 

Another week went by of calling and texting, and I still didn’t hear a word. We were leaving for Warped Tour in another week, and as much as I didn’t want to go into this tour with things unresolved between us, I was out of options. 

I left her one last voicemail. 

“Hey Tay, it’s me. I promise this is my last call- I’m done filling up your voicemail. I really like you and wanted to make things work. But I can’t do this on my own. If you’re not willing to talk and try and figure this out, then there’s nothing else I can do. I’ll see you on tour. Bye.”

_ You’re the snake hidden in my daffodils when I’m picking flowers _

_ That’s just my luck these days _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I warned you all to buckle up.
> 
> Also, this did really happen- too much free time in quarantine led me to stalking Alex, Taylor and Lisa's social media in 2012 and Lisa really did post a picture with Alex at a wedding that May. Which originally messed up the timeline I was building in my head, but has actually worked out for me. Anyway, thanks for all your feedback and comments! I really appreciate it, even if I don't get to respond to all of them.


	22. Chapter 22

I walked off the bus and let the warm summer breeze blow through my hair. We had arrived earlier this afternoon and I had mostly finished unpacking on our bus. It wasn’t a big space- I mean, I was sleeping on a bunk surrounded by men. The idea of privacy was going to be completely foreign the next two months, let alone having any closet space. But that was the point- these venues, the entire country was going to be our playground as we traveled city to city. This bus was just somewhere to rest at the end of the day. 

It had been almost four weeks since I last spoke to Alex on the day I found out about him and Lisa. I couldn’t lie- it had been hell for me. I deleted his texts and refused to listen to his voicemails, no matter how many times he called. The best way to distract myself from the gaping hole in my chest was to channel all my energy into something- anything else. I was writing more music than ever before. I was working out, going on long runs and even trying a few kickboxing classes before we left New York. My friends and bandmates didn’t really know what had happened- all they knew was that I refused to discuss Alex anymore and it was safest not to mention it. 

Honestly, I was humiliated. People had tried to warm me- hell, I had called this myself from the beginning. Alex was a player who only wanted a rebound from his girlfriend. He had a history of cheating and using women when he was lonely. He admitted that to my face. Somehow I still convinced myself that I was different, that he had changed, and that maybe we had a real shot at things together. I wasn’t sure what stung more- the lies he told me or the ones I told myself. 

Today was the first day of Warped Tour. Well, more specifically, today was the day we all arrived on our buses to get settled. Tomorrow we played the first shows of the summer. All of my band mates and friends we had in other groups were going out tonight to celebrate the start of the tour. You could feel the energy practically pulsing through the air. I didn’t know what to feel. 

I followed the distant sound of music and voices across the parking lot that was scattered with dozens of tour buses. The sun was barely setting, casting an orange glow across everything as I approached the crow. Luckily, Jordan and Cameron were tall enough that they were easy to spot. I quickly made my way to them and was greeted with a beer. I took a long sip and surveyed the crowd.

We had met many of these bands over the years. Oftentimes we went on tours with them- similar to the six weeks we had spent with All Time Low and The Maine in the UK. More often we played one or two shows together at random venues. The crowd was full of familiar faces. 

I easily fell into conversation with old friends, catching up on life and music. One beer turned into two which turned into three before someone offered me some liquor. The vodka was smooth and went down easy, so I kept drinking it. I was here, so I may as well make it a good night. 

Of course I kept an eye out for Alex. I knew he was here, in this crowd somewhere likely flirting with his latest victim. My mind was so used to spotting his crop of brown hair that I was completely taken by surprise when he appeared next to me with no warning. He had dyed the top of his hair a bright pink- I wasn’t expecting that. I wasn’t expecting most things Alex had done in the last six months. 

“Tay,” he said my name like it was either a curse word or a prayer, giving me a nod of greeting. 

“Alex,” I nodded back to him. 

“You look great,” He offered, slowly glancing down at my black tank top and black skinny jeans. I knew I had lost weight since I last saw him- something about crying a lot and working out so you’re too exhausted to think had helped me get in great shape. 

“Your hair is pink,” was the only thing I could think of to respond after all the alcohol. 

“You always had a way with words,” he chuckled. I kept my mouth firmly shut, staring up at him. Weeks of heartbreak had been spent preparing for this moment- I didn’t owe him anything. If he couldn’t be honest about a date with his girlfriend, I didn’t have to say a word to him. 

“Right, so I take it you’re still mad,” he finally broke the silence, running his fingers through his hair. 

“Oh, I’m fine,” I shrugged, taking a sip of my drink.

“Clearly not since you haven’t even bothered to return any of my calls and I have to hunt you down in a parking lot in Utah to even get a word out of you,” he shook his head, momentarily letting his anger come out. I was a little shocked- I didn’t expect such a strong reaction. 

“Excuse me?”

“Excuse you? Seriously, Taylor, I spent weeks wondering if you were even okay. You had me worried sick about you after you completely dropped off the face of the earth and this is all I get,” he nearly spat at me. My blood started to boil. 

“Alex, I don’t owe you a damn thing. You made it perfectly clear that I can’t expect you to be honest or loyal to me, so why would I spend another minute of my time on something that you don’t give a shit about,” I nearly hissed at him. I could tell some of the crowd around us was noticing the argument, but I was too drunk and angry to care. 

“I don’t give a shit? The guy who has spent weeks trying to talk with you doesn’t give a shit? Take a good hard look at yourself- if you wanted this, you would have fought for it,” he snarled.

“What does that even mean?” I didn’t understand how he could expect me to fight for someone who lied to me and betrayed my trust. 

“If you cared about me the way you said you did, how could you throw it all away over a two minute conversation?” His eyes softened as he pleaded with me. For a moment I could see that the last few weeks had been hard on him as well. Too bad he was the one who had caused all this pain.

“If you cared about me, why wouldn’t you tell me about the date?” I shot back. 

“It wasn’t a date.”

“She slept at your house, Alex, and you didn’t even tell her about us. And please don’t pretend like you haven’t spoken to her since then,” I said, testing the waters. He immediately stiffened at the mention of Lisa, telling me everything I needed to know. 

“This isn’t about Lisa,” he sighed.

“This has everything to do with her- in fact, our whole relationship has been about her which is why I’m done. I’ll see you on stage tomorrow,” I turned away from him, storming off to find the guys. 

My heart slammed in my chest and I fought back hot, angry tears. How could he show up here and act like I was the one who was in the wrong after what he did? Even worse, why was he acting as heartbroken as I was when he was the one who ruined everything? 

_ Shaken and tired _

_ Fade and resign as the tables turn _


	23. Chapter 23

My first conversation with Taylor went horribly. I knew she would be mad but I was praying that she would at least hear me out. I hoped that seeing me in person would remind her how much she still cared and that she might want to make this work. I was completely wrong. It killed me to admit that Jack was probably right- someone who cared about me would put in the effort and would fight for us. 

After she stormed away I went back to our bus to find a brand new bottle of Jack Daniels to help numb the pain. The guys came back an hour later to find me completely trashed, sprawled out on the couch in the front of the bus. Luckily it was not the first time they’ve seen me like this, and someone was kind enough to move me to my bunk, where I now lay. 

This was not how things were supposed to be. Taylor and I should have spent last night celebrating being reunited and having two months of touring together ahead of us. We should have woken up squished together in a too small bunk. I should be taking her out to breakfast right now and planning which bands we wanted to see play today. 

I sighed. There was no use laying here and feeling sorry for myself. Giving in to the anger that hung in the back of my mind never helped anything either. Warped Tour is supposed to be one of the best times of the year, and I was determined to make it the best that I could. 

Pulling myself out of my bunk with sheer willpower, I got ready for my day. Zack and I ended up walking around the buses, saying hi to everyone we had missed at the party last night. For a few hours there I was able to forget everything that happened with Taylor and I as we caught up with old friends. It was a good reminder that there was more to the world than her laugh and her touch. 

Reality caught up to me quickly. I had to perform Kiss Me Again with We Are The In Crowd during their set this afternoon before I went onstage with All Time Low. I knew singing this song together was going to be...emotional. After all, it was what brought us together in the first place. I guess I was foolish enough to hope it could bring us together once again .

I showed up backstage before they went on just to make sure everything was ready to go. Everyone seemed excited about the first show of the tour and I was honestly just trying to stay out of the way. I knew pre-show rituals were sacred. Taylor barely glanced at me, but I didn’t try to talk with her, not wanting to cause a scene before we went onstage. It seemed safest to let her approach me.

“Hey, great to see you, ready to sing together again?” Jordan finally came over to greet me, giving me a quick handshake. 

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” I shrugged.

“Cool, well nothing has really changed since the shows in the UK. We’ll just have you come out during the second verse and you know the rest,” he nodded before being pulled away to adjust his earpiece. 

The band played a few songs to begin with and they sounded great. Taylor was singing her heart out, and the whole group seemed to be on their A game. Despite my nerves at performing with Taylor again, I was excited to get up there. I could feel their energy radiating even backstage. 

Familiar chords came on the speakers, and I was immediately transported to a small recording booth with Taylor, and reminded of a cold winter night in New York when she smiled up at me for the cameras. My heart ached. This was our song, as literal as it could get. I had no idea how I would get through this without falling apart. 

My que to enter came quickly, and I jumped onstage with as much energy as I could muster. Luckily, Taylor was focusing mostly on the crowd so I followed her lead, dancing and singing to them and trying my best not to look at her. We stood close to each other a few times- honestly on accident when one of us didn’t notice the other moving our way. The crowd loved it and I was easily distracted by their energy- before I knew it, the song was over. 

I left the stage and We Are The In Crowd was playing one more song before finishing their set. This was a different set list than the last tour we did- it was surreal walking offstage alone and not having Taylor and the guys next to me to discuss the performance. I looked around when I got offstage, unsure what to do but not recognizing anyone. Feeling out of place, I decided to head back to our bus to prepare for our set. 

Luckily our set went better, and I felt energized by the crowd. Maybe it was a curse, or maybe it was a blessing, but whenever I was feeling down about something the cheers of a crowd picked me right back up. It was easy to forget about your problems when you hear thousands of people singing along to your lyrics and cheering for you. I tried to soak up as much of that as I could. 

The drinks flowed freely back at the bus as we all got ready for a night out. We were all in a good mood. No one was tired of touring or homesick yet, and everyone was still excited to spend time with the other bands. This was the best part of the tour. 

It only took me a minute to spot Taylor as we walked up to the bar several other bands were all hanging out at. I had promised myself that I wouldn’t go chasing after her tonight like I did last night. I needed to give her some space, and take some time myself to sort out if I really wanted to pursue her or not. Obviously I cared about her a lot, but I was hurt by how she had treated me the last few weeks.

Drinks continued to flow, and as I finished more beers my thoughts turned back to Taylor. I could see her across the bar, chatting with a guy. It looked friendly, but I couldn’t tell if she was flirting with him. My gaze wandered over to them more and more and the pair began to consume my thoughts. 

I saw the guy reach out and push some of her hair behind her ear and watched her smile at him. That was it. I had to go over there and talk to her, there was no way I could sit here while they kept flirting. 

I made it halfway to them before I was stopped by someone stepping in front of me. It took me a second to realize it was Cameron standing in front of me with his arms crossed, a sour look on his face.

“Hey, sorry man,” I said, trying to step around him but he blocked my path. 

“You’re going over to talk to Taylor, aren’t you?” He said, narrowing his eyes at me.

“Uh, I mean, I just wanted to ask her something,” I stumbled over my words. I wasn’t prepared to have an excuse about where I was going. 

“Listen, I don’t know what happened between you two, but all I know is she stopped talking about you. I haven’t seen her look happy like this in weeks. So unless you have a really good reason to go talk to her, I need you to stay the fuck away,” Cameron snarled. 

“Since when did you become her bodyguard?” I asked defensively. 

“Since you stopped treating her right,” he shot back. 

“You have no idea what happened between us,” I said through my teeth, leaning in closer. The tension between us was only growing. 

“Whoa, would you two relax?” Jordan came over and put a hand on my shoulder, getting between Cameron and I. 

“I didn’t know I needed permission to talk with Tay,” I rolled my eyes at Cameron who made a face right back.

“Alex, I’m not trying to get in the middle of whatever is going on with you guys, but you’re drunk in a bar. Let’s not cause a scene here, okay? If you want to talk with Taylor, can you just call her tomorrow or something?” Jordan said gently to me. I could see in his eyes he didn’t want me to talk with her either, but was trying to play peacemaker. 

“Sure, whatever,” I sighed and turned back towards my friends, walking away defeated. I got another beer and glanced over to see Taylor staring at me. I gave her a quick nod of acknowledgement before she turned away towards the guy she was talking to, throwing her head back in laughter at something he said. I took a sip of my beer. It was going to be a long summer.

_ I gave a lot to let you in _

_ I shook your hand, you pulled the pin _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I decided to add something new to the story- at the end of every chapter I added lyrics from the Don't Panic; It's Longer Now Album. In my mind, that album tells the story of Alex's relationship with Taylor over the 8-9 months this story covers. So I thought pulling lines that inspired me or fit that chapter would help tie it all together. Anyway, feel free to re-read some of the chapters with this added context, and you'll see them in all chapters going forward!


	24. Chapter 24

Performing with Alex again was awkward and there didn’t seem to be any way around it. I didn’t want to be near him. Our old live performances were so full of energy and passion- now, I felt like a fraud with every word coming out of my mouth. 

I had seen Alex’s confrontation with Cameron at the bar the night before and hated every minute of it. As much as I didn’t really want to talk to Alex, I also didn’t need Cameron and Jordan picking fights for me. This wasn’t their business and it wasn’t their problem. Why couldn’t these stupid men just leave me alone?

We finished performing Kiss Me Again, both Alex and I putting on a brave face. It was a huge weight off my shoulders when he left the stage and we got to close the show with another song. I tried to remind myself that this was only temporary, that I wouldn’t have to do this forever- but somehow two months of these performances seemed like forever. 

I walked offstage, laughing with the guys about a fan who had been screaming her love for Jordan, when I saw Alex standing there. He was leaning against a table, hands in his pockets, looking as uncomfortable as I felt. I crossed my arms and walked over to him. 

“What’s up?” I asked, trying my best not to immediately attack him. 

“Can we talk? Like, a real conversation where we aren’t drunk and hopefully not yelling?” He asked. I was taken off guard. 

“I guess...yeah. Do you want to come back to my bus?” I asked, nodding towards my bandmates who I knew without looking were all watching this conversation closely. 

“Honestly, I think it would be better to go to our bus. I know all the guys are going to be out watching other bands this afternoon so we’ll have a little more privacy,” he glanced nervously towards Cameron and Jordan. 

“Sounds good, lets go,” I sighed, already dreading where this conversation was going. Alex was right though, we were going to have to see each other every day this summer, we should try to put some of this awkwardness behind us. 

“Hey, where are you going?” Cameron stopped me as I followed Alex towards the bus.

“Just going to talk with Alex, relax,” I tried to side-step him. 

“Is that really a good idea?” he shot a glare at Alex, who was only a few feet away. 

“Jesus, Cameron, I can handle myself. It’s just a conversation,” I rolled my eyes, “stop being so melodramatic.”

“You know I don’t trust him,” Cameron nearly hissed. 

“And you know that I make my own decisions. So deal with it,” I stepped away and this time he let me keep walking. I shook my head, irritated already thinking about how they would grill me later tonight. 

We didn’t say much as we walked back towards the bus. Not surprisingly, their bus was bigger and nicer than ours. To be fair, a bus was still a bus no matter how nice it was, and you still had 10 or 12 people all sleeping in a very small space. As Alex had predicted, it was empty. I followed him into their back lounge where he closed the door, giving us the most private area to ourselves. We both sat and sort of stared at each other. 

“So, what did you want to talk about?” I said, trying to break the ice. 

…

Taylor sat across from me in our bus, and I was nearly frozen with nerves. We had just performed together in front of a few hundred fans, but somehow being alone in a room with her was more nerve-wracking than that. She looked at me expectantly, and I realized I had no clue where to tart. 

“So, what do you want to talk about?” She broke the silence. 

“Things between us have been so awkward and we’re going to be together this whole tour. I wanted to try and work things out,” I shrugged. 

“Work things out?” She raised an eyebrow at me. 

“I don’t want to be fighting with you or on edge every time we see each other. I know we didn’t work out or whatever, but it doesn’t have to be so weird,” I tried to explain. 

“Oh, things just didn’t work out, you say that like you weren’t the one who ruined everything,” she rolled her eyes at me and my blood began to boil. 

“You don’t even know the whole story or what happened at the wedding,” I pointed out. 

“What else is there to understand beyond the fact you went on a date with your ex and didn’t even bother to tell me?” She crossed her arms, glaring at me. 

“It’s not like we were exclusively together or anything,” I huffed. Taylor’s eyes shifted and I could immediately tell I had said the wrong thing. 

“We weren’t exclusive?” She said quietly, hurt written all over her face.

“I just meant we never specifically talked about it,” I tried to backtrack. Ever since our first kiss I hadn’t been interested in anyone but Taylor, but the reality was we hadn’t had a conversation where I made her my girlfriend. In the moment that felt childish when I knew we both felt so strongly for each other. 

“Alex, you came to my hometown and met my friends and family. We talked to each other every day. We made plans for spending this summer together. What else could you possibly call it?” She shook her head like she was trying to rattled the pieces of the puzzle in her brain back together. 

“Well, it’s not like you ever officially broke up with me. I didn’t hear from you for weeks. I had no clue where we stood or how you felt. You just disappeared. People in relationships don’t do that,” I said with a sigh, remembering too clearly how it felt to call her every day and be left in the dark. 

“People in relationships don’t go on dates with their ex’s either, so I guess it’s clear we aren’t in a relationship,” she shot back. 

“I know that you’re mad and have every right to be. I just need you to know that this isn’t how I wanted things to be,” I sighed. 

“You should have thought about me when you decided to go to the wedding,” Taylor said. 

“You should have thought about me when you decided to cut me off,” I threw back at her. 

“For the record- I did. I thought about you all the time,” she stood up and headed towards the door. 

“Wait, is this really it? We can’t work through this?” I grabbed her arm before she could get to the door, turning her to face me. 

“I don’t know Alex. I don’t trust you anymore, and it sounds like you barely trust me anymore either. Where are we supposed to go from here?” She looked up at me and for the first time I saw sadness in her eyes instead of a wall of anger. 

“I hate this. I hate that you're right," I ran my fingers through my hair. 

“Don’t you know that I’m always right?” She chuckled, shaking her head. “I guess I’ll see you around.” 

_ In the chill of your stare I am painfully lost _

_ Like a deer in the lights of an oncoming bus _


	25. Chapter 25

A few days went by since my conversation with Alex. He was cordial when he showed up to play at our set, but we tried to stay away from each other otherwise. His words were still ringing in my head- we were never officially together but he didn’t want things to be this way. I was torn and confused, but I knew the best thing I could do was try to just move on. 

I got back to writing, something I hadn’t done since we arrived on tour. I focused on our performances and hanging out at our merch stand after the show, spending time with our fans. We were putting out more content on our social media pages. I channeled all my energy into the band and was feeling optimistic about our future. 

I walked into the bus to find the mood very quiet and subdued. The guys were sitting around talking in low voices. Usually at this time of night we were cracking beers and making plans for the evening. I immediately sensed something was off and put my guard up. 

‘What’s up?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“Hey, Tay, we should talk,” Cameron jumped up from his seat, which only put me more on edge. 

“Sure, let’s talk,” I said slowly, sinking into a seat. 

“The label called,” Jordan said. His unfinished sentence hung in the air as everyone watched me closely, waiting for my reaction. 

“Alright, what did they say?” I finally broke the silence.

“Album sales are low, and even the new single with Alex hasn’t fully caught up to the revenue numbers they were originally projecting. They’re worried about oversaturation in the market and that we may not have a unique enough product. In short- they don’t want to take a bet on another album right now. We need to increase sales this summer on tour before they will pay for time in the studio,” Cameron spoke quickly, the words tumbling out of his mouth as if saying them faster would make them have less of an impact. 

“What?” I said, the word falling out of my mouth without any warning. I was in shock. 

“We aren’t going to start working on the new album this summer- they want to see if Warped Tour can help boost our sales first,” Mike restated.

I stood there without saying anything. I could tell they were all waiting on me to respond. They knew how hard I had been working on new songs, and how excited I was to get some studio time this summer while we were touring. This felt like a punch to the gut. I could barely breathe. 

“Great, well let me know if they change their minds,” I shook my head, turning on my heel to head back out the door. 

“Tay, wait,” I heard Jordan behind me. 

“I’m good, just getting some air,” I yelled over my shoulder as I hurried off the bus. Thankfully, I didn’t hear steps behind me as I practically ran out of our bus. They knew better than to follow me when I was like this. 

I paced up and down the rows of buses. We were surrounded by dozens of other artists, many of whom I called a friend and admired. For some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to go knock on any of their doors to vent about our problems. This felt too personal to share with anyone else. Honestly, I didn’t want to admit to someone that our album hadn’t performed like we hoped it would- I didn’t want to admit failure. 

Somehow, I ended up outside of All Time Low’s bus. I took one long look at it before I completely broke down in tears. Leaning against the bus, I slid down the side until I was sitting on the ground, head between my legs, letting myself sob uncontrollably for a minute. 

I picked up my phone and dialed the only number I could think of that might understand.

“Taylor?” His voice sounded confused and suspicious as he answered the phone. 

“I know I shouldn’t be doing this and I know you probably hate me but I just didn’t know who else to call,” I said weakly. 

“Are you okay? What’s wrong?” His voice instantly sounded concerned. 

“No. I could use you. I need a friend,” I whispered.

“Where are you?” He asked, and I could hear movement on his end of the phone.

“Sitting outside your bus,” I chuckled at how fate had brought me here.

“What?”

  
“I know, I know. But please,” I sighed, hating myself for admitting this weakness. 

“Of course, be right there,” He said before hanging up. I let my head hang between my knees, taking a few deep, slow breaths. The bus shook behind my back as the door opened up and I could hear steps approaching me, and the quiet swear words he said under my breath. 

“Tay, what’s going on?” Alex said. I peaked over my arms to see him crouched down in front of me, nothing but worry on his face.

“You aren’t going to tell me I’m a terrible person, that I have no right to call you?” I asked, terrified of his response. 

“Of course not. You said you need a friend- I understand. Please tell me what’s going on, tell me you’re okay,” he settled in beside me, back against the tour bus as well but looking at me intently. 

“The label won’t pay for any more studio time. They said we haven’t sold enough albums,” I whispered, afraid to voice the reality that I- that my band- was a failure. 

“Shit,” Alex mumbled, running his fingers through his hair. 

“Yupp,” I sighed. 

“It’s not forever- you know that, right? You’re on tour all summer, you’re going to meet a million fans that love seeing you guys perform and will buy the album. This could all be a distant memory in a few short weeks,” he said, trying to be positive. 

“Did this ever happen to you when you were just getting started?” I asked. He sat back, thoughtful for a minute. 

“No. I’m sorry, that’s not the answer you want,” he said softly. I let my head sink back into my arms. 

“What am I doing wrong?” I moaned.

“Nothing! You guys are great when you perform live, you have tons of energy, fans love meeting you, your songs are original- sometimes it just takes some time,” he said. 

“Alex, I appreciate you trying to be nice right now but I called you because I knew you would be honest with me. We’re past worrying about hurting each other’s feelings. Please- I need to know if this has all been a wasted effort,” I looked up at him, staring intently at him to try and read if he was lying to me. 

“I wasn’t trying to sugar coat it- I meant what I said. Your band is so much fun live, and I know for a fact that fans love meeting you guys because I hear about it from them after our shows. The songs you sing are original- and I really do like your lyrics. If I had to guess why you haven’t hit it off...there isn’t an exact science to any of this. There are so many times we release a song I think will be a hit that the fans don’t love, but they end up loving something else we do instead. Maybe it’s just bad timing that there aren’t other groups with female leads- or maybe good timing because there’s a gap in the market. Maybe people get confused that you and Jordan are both lead singers and it isn’t a clearly female led group. Maybe the pop punk genre is just hitting its peak and fans are looking elsewhere for new, up and coming artists. I can’t predict what the future of music is- but what I do know is you work really hard and you’re talented. This isn’t your fault,” he explained, and I felt a bit of the weight on my chest start to lift. 

“Thank you. I needed that,” I sighed, wiping my face as I realized what a mess I must look like. 

“If I was you, I would work my ass off on this tour and see how far that gets you. If you’re getting all the right feedback from the fans on the ground but the label still won’t support you, then I would think about other options,” He nodded. 

“Other options?”

“I mentioned once that you could do things beyond We Are The In Crowd- you have too much talent to go to waste. If that isn’t going to be successful for you, I promise you’ll find a way to follow your dreams,” he put an arm around me, pulling me to an awkward seated hug but I didn’t fight it. 

We sat there for a few minutes, my head against his chest as we both looked out on the rows of tour buses and stars above. For a minute, it felt like nothing had changed between us since we filmed the music video together. I felt safe here with his arm around me. 

“God, I am so sorry I came here- I need to go back to my bus,” I suddenly realized what I was doing and pulled away from him. Hurt flashed in his eyes for a second.

“You don’t have to apologize,” He insisted.

“It’s not your job to take care of me anymore,” I gave him a halfhearted smile. 

“That doesn’t mean I’m not here when you need it,” he offered a small smile in return.

“I guess I’ll see you onstage tomorrow,” I shrugged. 

“I guess so,” he shook his head, getting the hair out of his eyes. “Do you need me to walk you home?”

“My mental breakdown is mostly over so I think I’m good, thanks though,” I chuckled at myself before turning to go. 

“Thank you Alex, for everything,” I stopped, turning around and calling after him before he made it to his door. 

“Of course,” he nodded before heading into his bus. 

_ You had me at come over boy _

_ I need a friend _

_ I understand _


	26. Chapter 26

All I wanted was for Taylor to lay in my bunk, cuddled close in my arms while I helped her forget about all her troubles. I wanted to call her and talk to her more after she showed up at my bus, but I knew she meant it when she told me it wasn’t my job to take care of her anymore. The only thing I could do was try and let her know I was here for her, but I was met with cold professionalism from her ever since. I had replayed that conversation in my head over and over, wondering if I should have done something different. 

It was Friday night and we were heading over to a bar to meet up with other bands. Jack was in rare form, animatedly telling all of us a story of a hookup gone wrong that we had of course heard before, but still managed to make all of us laugh. Three girls appeared ahead of us, and one of them exclaimed “oh my god!” as we approached. 

“You guys are All Time Low!” One of the girls said, her jaw dropping as we came within a few feet of them. 

“Unfortunately it’s true,” Rian said with a smile.

“We were at Warped Tour today- we were like third row during your set!” Another one of the added. 

“That’s awesome, did you guys like the show?” Zack asked politely. I could see Jack sizing up the girls from the corner of my eye and knew that no good could come of this.

“You guys are incredible, and it’s so hot seeing you live,” the third girl, the one who initially yelled out giggled, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. I could see Jack’s eyes light up.

“Come to the bar with us, we’re meeting up with a few other bands,” he nodded down the street.

“Really?” the second girl asked. 

“We would love to have you,” I gave them my most convincing smile. I had been so focused on Taylor, maybe this was exactly what I needed to get my mind off things. 

I ended up walking and talking with a blonde named Charlotte. We were playing right outside LA, and all three of these girls lived there. She spoke animatedly about growing up in Southern California and about all the stereotypes that just weren’t true. Of course, she’s pursuing a career in acting- live theater, not movies she insisted over and over. I tried my best not to laugh at what a stereotype that was in itself. 

“Well, you know what they say- LA is the place to chase your dreams,” Charlotte said. 

“Maybe I should move out here then,” I said casually before realizing I meant it. Baltimore was hardly home these days now that Lisa and I were broken up. My family was still there, but they were easy enough to visit. There would be more opportunity for collaboration with other artists here in LA, as well as venues to play in between tours. 

“Alex, we just met, don’t flatter me like that,” she laughed as if I had said it just because I wanted to come spend time with her. 

“Oh, it’s not just for you sweetheart. But I promise I’ll call if I do come out here,” I shot her a grin as we headed into the bar. 

We all sat at the bar, buying rounds and sharing stories. The girls were surprisingly fun- sometimes when fans showed up at the bar they were too shy or awkward to really have fun with. These girls were outgoing and willing to tease and laugh at us. Jack was clearly hitting it off with one of the girls with curly light brown hair. Charlotte had managed not to leave my side all night. I didn’t mind. 

After a while, my arm had made its way around Charlotte’s waist, pulling her so her back was leaning against my chest. We kept talking with the group, but it gave me the perfect opportunity to whisper funny comments into her ear. I loved feeling her shiver and giggle against me every time I did it. I couldn’t lie- the excitement of someone new was intoxicating. 

I heard the door to the bar open and glanced over to see Taylor walking in with her band. I immediately tensed up as I made eye contact with her. Charlotte must have noticed the change in my stance, and turned around to face me. 

“So, when can we go back to the bus?” She whispered in my ear, gently nibbling on my ear lobe and immediately drawing my attention back to her. 

“Any time you want, sweetheart,” I said in a throaty voice. Charlotte smiled at me.

“Let me go to the bathroom, and then I’m all yours,” she winked at me and headed off to the bathroom with her friends. 

“I’ve got dibs on the back lounge with Melissa,” Jack came over and gave me a punch on the arm, grinning madly. I couldn’t help but laugh. 

“Fine, but Charlotte is coming home too,” I warned him, earning myself a few cheers from the guys. 

“There’s the Alex we know and love,” Zack laughed, clapping for me as I took a small bow. 

Turning around to pick up my beer off the bar, I realized Taylor was standing only two feet away from me, waiting to order. It was clear from her face that she had heard everything. 

“Shit, Tay, I’m sorry,” I ran my hand through my hair, losing all confidence in that instant. 

“It’s fine- we aren’t exclusive, right?” She rolled her eyes at me, pushing off the bar and walking away quickly. Part of me felt like I should go after her, but I turned to see the girls coming back from the bathroom. Charlotte gave me a big smile and my heart started racing again. Fuck it, I deserved a fun night. 

…

I woke up feeling a little out of it. I rolled over, realizing I was on the couch at the front of our bus. Looking around, I saw I was alone. Charlotte was with me when we fell asleep, but must have snuck out at some point. I saw a note sitting on the table- “call me if you ever move to LA.” I smirked to myself.

Despite how much fun I had last night, something gnawed at my gut. I took a shower, hoping I could wash off whatever this feeling was. The shower didn’t help, and all morning the feeling grew until I realized what it was. I had to see Taylor in a few hours for our performance, and she had seen me take Charlotte home last night. I felt horribly guilty, and like I probably messed up everything between us all over again. I really didn’t want to have to face Taylor. 

I arrived backstage before the set as usual, saying hi to all the guys. Taylor came over and motioned for me to join her a little bit away from the rest of the group. 

“How’s everything going?” I asked, flashing back to our conversation a few days ago. 

“This is likely the most humiliating conversation I will ever have to have- I need you to flirt with me more onstage,” She could barely make eye contact with me as she stood with her arms crossed.

“Excuse me?”

“The label is pushing us to increase sales. They’re convinced that you and I flirting onstage and making people think we’re an item helps that. They got wind that our performances are less...intimate than they were in the UK and want that to change,” Taylor pushed her hair out of her eyes and finally looked up at me. She looked like she might be sick. 

“Then we’ll flirt a little onstage, no problem,” I shrugged. 

“But I don’t want that- I don’t want to sell my music just because people think we’re together!” She frowned. Somehow we were back to the same fight we had months ago around the music video. 

“Think about it this way- the more you flirt with me onstage, and the more we sell this single, the faster you’ll get to record new music that has absolutely nothing to do with me,” I tried to reason with her. She gave me a weak smile at my attempt. 

“Fine. But don’t think this changes anything between us,” she warned me. 

“Oh, I wouldn’t dream of it,” I rolled my eyes. I knew better than anyone that when Taylor had decided to ice you out, she wasn’t kidding around. Despite my best efforts, that door was completely shut to me. 

_ Do you feel like something’s missing _

_ When your skin is pressed to mine? _

_ I would whisper you a riot if you’d listen _

_ To the sound that you’ve ignored a thousand times _


	27. Chapter 27

I woke up to the sound of quiet voices talking towards the front of the bus. I rolled over in my bunk, which was a challenge in the narrow space. I took a deep breath as I heard my bandmates making small talk. Despite everything, I knew that I was lucky to be here on this tour, playing music with some of my best friends. Sometimes I had to remind myself to be grateful. 

Walking up to the front of the bus, I opened the cabinets in the small kitchenette to try and find some breakfast. There was barely any cereal left in the box, but I finished it off. We didn’t have any milk, so I was stuck eating dry cereal.

“Hey, we’re low on food,” I said to Jordan and Mike who were sitting on the couch. 

“Yeah, we need to make a trip to the grocery store,” Mike nodded. 

“We need to sell some merch is what we need,” Jordan shook his head and I raised an eyebrow at him. He typically handled all of our band’s financials. 

“Why?” I asked through a mouthful of cereal. 

“We’ve got about $70 left in our checking account,” he shook his head and I froze. 

“I thought we were getting paid on this tour,” I said, confused. 

“Yes, but compensation could come in the form of bi-weekly checks or could pay for the bus, driver, fuel, etc. we are currently living on. Honestly, they’re spending more money for us to be on this bus than they would paying us a salary, and it’s definitely preferable to us sleeping in a van all summer. So I went with the bus, which means the only cash we have coming in is from our merch sales,” Jordan explained. I sunk down into a seat. 

“That’s...not great,” Mike said, chewing on his lip. 

“We usually sell a few things after our set,” I tried to reason. 

“Yeah, but selling three or four t-shirts a day isn’t really enough to keep up with feeding all of us and paying for our drinking habits,” Jordan chuckled, but I heard how serious he was under his joke about our partying. 

“I have some money saved, we can use that,” I offered. 

“Me too,” Mike added.

“We will probably need it soon. The best thing we can do is push merch sales, and album sales,” Jordan gave us a half-hearted smile, but I could see how stressed he really was about all this. 

…

A few days passed and we all worked really hard to push merch after our set. We saw a slight increase in sales, but the truth was we were barely treading water. Jordan was trying to keep track of how much money the band owed back to us individually as we all started to pitch in our personal savings. It was exhausting to work as hard as we were and still see us losing money. 

Our manager called to push us even harder on album sales. They wanted more buzz around the new single and more buzz around us overall. He wanted us to do more interviews and put out more content on our social media. I thought we had been doing all of this already, but apparently none of it was good enough. When I tried to explain we were already doing this, he yelled back that we weren’t interesting or likeable enough. I knew he was under pressure from his own boss to hit numbers, but the words stung. 

I was feeling defeated. We had worked so hard promoting this album over the last year. I had put myself out there with re-recording Kiss Me Again, and pushed myself in my performances with Alex. We were doing everything right, but nothing seemed to be going in our favor. 

…

Alcohol buzzed through my system, but had done nothing yet to relieve the stress coiled in a knot in my shoulders. I took a sip of whiskey and tried to smile and relax. All I could think about were the harsh words of our manager and piles of unsold merch and the dwindling numbers of my bank account. 

_ Fuck,  _ I thought to myself, taking another sip of the whiskey. I could feel that the alcohol was only making me more in my own head, not less. I needed something to make me forget. 

_ I need to fuck,  _ I thought, making myself chuckle at my own joke. I surveyed the crowd. We were all hanging outside some tour buses, enjoying the warm summer night. I sat with Jordan and a few other guys. I gave each of them a quick glance before writing them all off- none of them would do. 

Standing up, I excused myself from the group to do a lap around the group, sizing up all the guys in attendance. I wasn’t typically this cocky when it came to finding a hookup but as usual, there were far more men than women on the tour. I knew I likely had my pick of the single guys here. One caught my eye from across the parking lot and I gave him a soft smile before walking over. 

“Hey Tay,” he greeted me. 

“How’s it going Sam?” I pushed my hair behind my ear and gave him a closer look. Sam was one of the lighting guys who toured with Yellowcard. I had seen him around at a few parties. He was just shy of six feet tall, with sandy blonde hair and light blue eyes. His grin was what killed me though, and he flashed it at me now. 

“I’m great, what are you drinking?” He eyed my plastic cup. 

“Whiskey, of course,” I rolled my eyes and earned myself a laugh. 

“No girly drinks for you? I would have expected you to have a nice big glass of wine,” He teased. 

“Wine is for getting romantic, and that’s not the goal tonight,” I shrugged.

“What is the goal then?” His eyes twinkled. 

“Getting wild,” I smirked and he returned the smile, downing a long sip of his beer. 

We ended up talking and flirting for another twenty or thirty minutes. He had a few good stories- not funny enough to earn the loud laugh I gave each one, but close enough. I slowly moved in closer to him, until we were leaning against the front of a van and our shoulders were touching. My drink was almost empty and I was ready to make my move. 

Sam was in the middle of another story when I let my hand rest casually on his thigh, laughing again at his jokes. His eyes shot down to my hand as if he had been burned, and I could feel him tense up underneath me. Confused, I pulled my hand back. 

“Look, I’m not trying to make things weird, but if you’re trying to hit on me I don’t think we should go there,” Sam said, biting his lip and looking incredibly uncomfortable. I nearly jumped up from where I was leaning. 

“What?” I stared back at him, shocked at what I was hearing. 

“Please don’t take it personally, you’re hot and fun and really talented. Normally I would have already taken you home by now. It’s just...I heard about you and Alex. He’s a friend of mine, and I don’t want to get in the middle of anything,” He explained, and I felt my face flush bright red. 

“There’s nothing going on with Alex and I,” I protested. 

“Maybe. I don’t know, all I heard were a few mentions of it from the other guys in All Time Low and I’ve seen you guys on stage together. I’m not sure what the story is but it’s clear there’s a lot of chemistry between you two. I’m just not trying to cause any problems. I’m sorry if I said something wrong,” he held his hands up as if I was about to shoot him. 

“I appreciate the honesty,” I sighed as I watched him walk away. I downed the last of my drink and stared around the crowd, a terrible feeling settling in the pit of my stomach. 

There was a very good reason I had never hooked up with someone I toured with before. I didn’t want to be viewed only through my relationship to that person. Alex and I may have ended things before this tour ever started, but it’s clear to me now that all of our friends had heard the rumors of what happened between us- it didn’t help that we still got onstage to sing a love song together. It made me untouchable to the rest of these guys who didn’t want to mess up their relationship with Alex. 

I spotted Alex across the way, joking around with Jack. I bit my lip, my vision slightly blurring from the alcohol as I watched him laugh. The knot in my shoulders tightened and I was reminded of the only thing I had wanted out of tonight- a good lay. 

_ Fuck it, they all already think something is going on,  _ I shook my head and made a bee line to Alex. 

“Hey, can I talk to you? In private,” I said, doing my best to keep any emotion out of my voice. Jack looked at me like he was terrified of whatever was about to come out of my mouth. 

“Please, don’t let me get in the way,” Jack quickly excused himself. Alex looked skeptical but followed me as I walked around the side of a bus, out of view of the rest of the party. 

“What’s up Tay?” Alex asked, looking at me with concern. 

A million thoughts ran through my mind at once. This man had hurt me and thoroughly betrayed my trust, but he had also made me incredibly happy. He made me feel special and beautiful. I wanted to forget about the pain and the anxiety of my future. I wanted to feel like we were the only people in the world again. 

I threw my arms around his shoulders, pulling him down enough to crash my lips onto his. Alex’s hands were on my waist in an instant, as if it were muscle memory for him. His mouth took another moment to catch up though, and it was clear that whatever he had been drinking had slowed his reflexes. I kissed him fiercely and gently bit on his lower lip, making him groan and apparently realize what we were doing. He pushed me up against the side of the bus and lifted up my legs so I was wrapped around his waist, just like the night of our first kiss. My hands tangled in his hair, and he held me closely to him. 

The kiss continued for what felt like a lifetime and only a moment all at once. Finally, Alex pulled away to look at me.

“Did you really pull me back here just to make out with me?” He whispered, confusion clear on his face as the reality of what we were doing seemed to finally set in. 

“Yes,” I whispered, kissing him again. He eagerly responded to the kiss. 

“You’ve been avoiding me for weeks- what changed?” He asked between kisses trailed down my neck that stole my breath. Of course he remembered exactly what spots drove me crazy. 

“I need some...stress relief and know you’re good at that,” I said, earning a nip at my collar bone and grunt of approval from Alex. 

“That’s it?” He pulled away to look me in the eye again. 

“Everyone else here is afraid if they touch me they’re going to piss you off,” I rolled my eyes, “so you’re my only option, I guess.” 

“This is a bad idea,” he chuckled as he kissed me again. 

“Oh, I know we’re nothing but trouble,” I wrapped my hands around his neck to pull him closer to me. 

_ For the thrill of your touch I will shamelessly lust _

_ As you tell me we’re nothing but trouble _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't keep them apart forever


	28. Chapter 28

Bright light greeted me as I blinked my eyes open. My head was pounding. I felt someone shift next to me, and I realized I was laying on the couch in the back lounge. I was shirtless, wearing only my boxers. Glancing down, I saw Taylor in my t-shirt curled close to keep from falling off the edge of the couch. Both of our jeans were in a pile on the floor. 

_Shit. Shit, shit, shit._

There was no way to get off the couch without waking her up. Mercifully I didn’t hear anyone else awake on the bus yet, so maybe she would be able to sneak out without anyone noticing. 

After Tay had pulled me behind the bus and we started making out, things only intensified. We stumbled back here to my bus, barely able to keep our hands off each other long enough to get inside before our clothes started coming off. It was hot and heavy, each touch trying to make up for weeks apart. I hadn’t forgotten the chemistry between us, but it was stronger now than in my memories. 

I could feel Taylor’s chest gently rise and fall next to me. Confusion and anger began to set in. How did things get so complicated? I thought she wanted nothing to do with me. I had been trying to give her space and move on, and one night she decides she wants me again? 

She rolled over, her head landing on my chest and I froze. Warmth spread through me seeing how serene she looked while she slept. I hadn’t seen her look this relaxed the entire time we had been on Warped Tour. Maybe she wasn’t joking when she said she needed stress relief. 

Her eyes slowly opened and gazed up at me. For a moment neither of us moved, lost in the moment. Then realization dawned in her eyes and she sat up, trying to pull away from me without falling off the couch- a difficult task. 

“Morning,” I said quietly, afraid to wake up the guys who were sleeping in the room over. 

“Hi,” she said, looking anywhere but at me. 

“Well, last night was...a surprise,” I said awkwardly, not sure where to start. 

“Trust me, it was not my plan either,” she sighed. 

“Really? It sure seemed like it when you pulled me behind that bus,” I couldn’t help but smirk remembering it. 

“Don’t flatter yourself, I was just looking for a distraction,” she rolled her eyes. 

“Most people don’t hook up with their ex when they just want a distraction,” I sat up as well.

“Alex, I was having a bad night. I wanted to get my mind off things, and lucky for me no one else on this tour will even come near me because of our history together- which is the exact reason I was so hesitant to be with you in the first place. I was drunk and you were there and it was probably a huge mistake, but you could have stopped at any time,” she shot back at me, crossing her arms defensively. 

As usual, she was right. For a moment behind that bus I had known this was wrong, but quickly ignored that thought. Sitting so close to her, all alone in the back of the bus was enough to make me ignore the thought all over again.

“So what, that was a one time thing?” I raised an eyebrow at her. 

“I’m not planning on doing it again,” she shook her head. 

“That’s not what it sounded like when you were asking for more last night,” I let my eyes trail down to her bare legs laying against mine. 

“Don’t get too cocky just because you know how to...hit the spot,” there was a twinkle in her eyes at her joke, making me chuckle. 

“No one else is up yet. And I would hate for you to leave without being fully de-stressed,” I leaned in and whispered in her ear, feeling her shiver as my hand rested on her thigh. I lightly kissed her neck, testing the waters to see if she would pull away.

“This doesn’t mean we’re back together,” she said, but she leaned in to my touch as I gently kissed further down her neck. 

“Of course not,” I wrapped my arm around her waist, pulling her so she was straddling me. 

“I’m not over everything with Lisa, but I just...I just want you right now.” 

I pulled back to look at her, and she leaned in and kissed me, hard. I held her tightly to me, my hands searching her back as her fingers tangled in my hair. It only took a minute for me to pull my shirt off her, and we were both in nothing but our underwear. The feel of her bare chest pressed against mine set something off in me, and I moved us so she was laying under me. 

“Don’t make me regret this,” She said in a teasing voice, but I could see a glimmer of truth in her eyes. 

…

About 45 minutes later Taylor did her best to sneak off the bus. Rian was already awake, sitting in the front of the bus with a cup of coffee, but thankfully he didn’t say a word as she hurried past. I grabbed a change of clothes and took a shower, deciding to avoid that conversation for as long as I could. 

When I came out of the shower, Jack was up and sitting with Rian. They both looked at me expectantly, but I wasn’t about to spill my guts to them. 

“What did Taylor want to talk about last night?” Jack raised an eyebrow at me as I poured myself some coffee. 

“Nothing really,” I shrugged. It was the truth after all. 

“You never came back to the party,” Jack said suggestively. 

“Just wanted to head home,” I took a sip of coffee.

“Taylor didn’t come back either,” he said 

“That’s true,” I nodded.

“Your bunk was empty last night,” Jack pointed out.

“That’s also true,” I took a seat across from them, accepting the fact that he was going to be grilling me until he was satisfied. 

“Rian might have spotted a familiar female singer trying to sneak out this morning,” Jack finally cut to the chase. I sighed. 

“She may have slept here,” I gave in, and a smile lit up Jack’s face.

“So you two did go home together!”

“Congrats, detective, way to figure it out,” I rolled my eyes.

“You can’t hide anything from me,” he smirked.

“What’s going on with you guys?” Rian asked, more gentle with his question than Jack had been in his interrogation. 

“Your guess is as good as mine,” I shrugged, honestly unsure how to answer that question.

“Come on, you guys obviously made up from your big fight. I’m thrilled you won’t be moping around the bus anymore,” Jack teased.

“I don’t know if I would say we made up,” I glanced out the window of the bus, trying to figure out how to put my feelings into words. There was unfinished business between us, to be sure. 

“How do you not know if you made up?” Rian asked, clearly confused.

“She came home with you, she can’t be that mad anymore,” Jack pointed out. 

“I wouldn’t put it past Tay,” I chuckled, shaking my head. 

“I don’t get you two,” Rian said. 

“Trust me, I’m still struggling to figure it out too,” I took a long sip of coffee.

_ Lazy lover, find a place for me again _

_ You felt it once before, I know you did _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love their chemistry. And I love all your comments and feedback :)


	29. Chapter 29

_ Come over. _

The text made my phone light up and I instantly sat up straighter. I looked around the bus. Mike and Cameron were playing video games in the back lounge. Jordan was spread across the couch watching TV, and Rob was sitting across from me at the table. I had been browsing on my laptop, replying to fans on Twitter and trying to think about new content we could put out. 

It was a Monday night. We were all relaxing after a weekend full of partying. Alex and I hadn’t really spoken since I snuck off his bunk yesterday morning. Of course we performed together today, but he had an interview right after our set so we didn't’ really talk. I didn’t miss the wink he gave me as he left the stage though. 

_ Buses are leaving in two hours,  _ I wrote back to Alex, chewing on my lip. 

_ I appreciate your vote of confidence, but I don’t think I’ll last that long ;)  _

I chuckled to myself at his inappropriate joke. 

_ Alexander, is this a Monday night booty call?  _

_ You can call it anything you want as long as you come over. _

Conflicting thoughts swirled through my head. I meant it when I told him we weren’t back together and I was still upset. There were issues between us that still needed to be resolved, and we had barely begun to scratch the surface. It wasn’t fair to either of us to act like nothing was wrong. Yet...as Alex had once put it many months ago, I couldn’t stay away from him. Every logical thought in my head was screaming at me to stop this now before it got even worse, but I didn’t really want it to stop. I remembered too vividly how I had felt those weeks without Alex, and I didn’t want to go back to that place. I wanted him in whatever form it took. 

_ Be there in five _ , I wrote back to him. 

Closing my laptop, I slipped into the bathroom to run a brush through my hair and touch up my makeup. Alex had seen me at my best and my worst, but I still wanted to look good for him. I put on my shoes and told Jordan and Rob I was going for a walk. Neither of them seemed to notice as I left the bus. 

Unexpected nerves coursed through me as I approached the bus. The last time I walked over here I was pretty drunk- showing up here sober felt so different. 

Jack, Rian and Alex were all playing FIFA when I walked onto the bus, yelling loudly at each other. I froze for a second- I expected the bus to be empty if Alex was inviting me over. 

“Hey,” I said awkwardly, walking in as Jack scored a goal and began to cheer. 

“Hey, there’s beer in the fridge!” Alex said over his shoulder before turning back to the screen. Unsure of what to do, I grabbed a beer and took a seat next to him on the couch. It looked like there was another 15 minutes left in the game, so I tried to make myself comfortable. No one talked much aside from throwing out insults about the game. I was used to this, having played many hours of video games alongside my own bandmates. 

Finally the game was done, and Alex turned to look at me, shooting me a smile that instantly calmed the nerves that had been building this whole time. 

“Ready to go work on that song?” He said, standing up. I tried not to look surprised- apparently that was the excuse he told the guys for why I was coming over. 

“Sure,” I shrugged. 

“Alex said you were struggling with some lyrics- don’t worry, he’s a genius when it comes to writing. Almost too much- you have no idea how many songs we have to throw out when we’re making an album because the man simply does not stop writing,” Jack rolled his eyes. I raised my eyebrows at Alex- this was supposedly about  _ me  _ having songwriting problems? Thanks for throwing me under the bus. 

“You would not believe the amount of songs he’s written about me- it stops being sweet after the tenth one,” I shot him a smug grin, and Alex immediately paled. 

“Alright, we’ll be in the back lounge,” Alex grabbed my hand and practically dragged me to the back of the bus. He slid the door closed behind us, and I stood there with my arms crossed.

“Why was the excuse that I was the one who needed help with writing?” I raised an eyebrow at him. 

“You heard Jack, they worship my songwriting skills. They would never believe that I was the one who needed help,” Alex said defensively. 

“Sorry, rockstar, I forgot how amazing you are at everything,” I scoffed. 

“Don’t be mad, I just needed a reason to get you alone. They have no interest in writing with me, so it was guaranteed to get us some privacy,” Alex looped his arms around my waist, trying to pull me in closer. 

“Next time you’re the one who needs my help, okay?” I teased him. 

“I do need your help, just in different ways,” He chuckled, leaning down to kiss me. 

That first kiss was soft and sweet, and brought a million feelings rushing back. This was different than drunkenly making out, every touch trying to make up for lost time. A kiss like this reminded me why I had fought so hard for him to begin with. Butterflies blossomed in my stomach, and I wrapped my arms around his shoulders to pull him closer. I let him kiss me gently for another minute. 

“I didn’t expect you to come over,” Alex pulled back and looked at me. I could see some confusion in his eyes. I shrugged. 

“I didn’t really either,” I replied honestly. 

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy you’re here. It’s just...I have no idea where we stand,” He searched my eyes for answers.

“Nothing about this summer is going the way that I had originally planned. I thought I would be working on the new album, enjoying the tour, and getting to spend time with you. Instead, I’m broke, fighting with our label for the chance to ever make an album again and things between us have been awful. I don’t know what I want, but this isn’t it,” I shook my head, trying to make sense of everything. 

“I had different expectations for the summer too,” Alex nodded. 

“Can we just… keep this simple? The last thing I need is another thing in my life to worry about,” I asked.

“Keep it simple?” He looked confused. 

“We may have had our problems, but we always managed to do one thing really well,” I leaned up on my tiptoes to kiss him. I could feel his smile against his lips. 

“Sure, let’s keep it simple,” he chuckled as he pulled me closer, kissing me more passionately this time. 

_ You’re beautiful strange, defiantly brash _

_ Be careful now _


	30. Chapter 30

“It’s Alex from All Time Low everyone!” 

I heard Taylor yell out my introduction and I bounded onstage to the roar of the crowd. Many of our fans knew I had been playing with We Are The In Crowd throughout the tour, but you could still hear the surprised ones each time. As usual, I tried my best to keep my distance from Taylor, both of us focusing on working the crowd instead of each other. 

The end of the song approached quickly, along with my favorite part. As Taylor sang the final chorus, I wrapped my arm around her shoulders in sync with the lyrics. The fans cheered, loving the PDA between us. I gave her a quick squeeze of affection before letting go to finish the song. 

Fans openly cheering the person you might be dating was new for me. Lisa didn’t really like being in the public eye, and oftentimes fan mistook that as her dislike of them. Combined with many personal rumours about the two of us floating around the internet, it led to most of my fans somewhat tolerating her, while others openly bullied her online. It never bothered me- I could see that the harassment all stemmed from jealousy. Lisa could barely stand it. 

When Taylor and I started seeing each other, I expected a similar backlash to follow her. However, despite making a music video together that is clearly romantic, most fans I’ve met gush about Taylor and our collaboration. I had been asked a few times if we were together. I always laughed it off, unsure of exactly how to answer that question. 

I gave her a quick wink as I headed offstage and loved seeing her fight not to smile in front of the crowd. It was reassuring to know I still had that effect on her. Sometimes I felt like I was the only one left reeling from our relationship.

…

We were preparing to go onstage as the sun started to set. I liked our spot in the lineup this year; late enough in the day to really get a big crowd, but without the pressure of headlining. Our set felt short and sweet after spending the last few months headlining tours ourselves; only half an hour of playing was nothing compared to two hours. 

I ran through some vocal warmups as Rian and Zack checked equipment. Jack was flirting with a few fans who bought backstage passes and were standing nearby. I tried my best to center myself. The fans were starting to chant “ATL”, so I knew we would be heading out any minute. 

Taylor’s laugh caught my attention- I could pick it out almost anywhere. My head spun around- she was standing by Jack, chatting with some fans. I couldn’t help the adrenaline that rushed through me. I hurried over to her, and I’m sure the confusion was clear on my face. 

“Hey,” I said, trying to act calm as the fans nearby were obviously watching us closely. 

“You left your sunglasses backstage earlier,” She pulled my sunglasses out from her back pocket. 

“Thanks,” I took them awkwardly before signing the same notebook Jack was. I walked off, claiming I had to go prep for the show. I felt Taylor follow behind me, so I headed back in the trailer that held our equipment. There was very little privacy at an outdoor stage like this; the trailer was the best I could do. 

“You came all this way just to bring me sunglasses?” I turned and leaned against the wall, crossing my arms as Taylor stood a foot in front of me. 

“I knew you would want them while onstage,” she shrugged.

“We’re going to be going on any minute,” I bit my lip, glancing at the crew putting the finishing touches on everything. Performing was probably the most sacred thing in my life. It was my meditation and release. Not to mention, we made most of our money from performances, not album sales, and I had a reputation to keep up. I couldn’t afford being off my game, and Taylor was an expert at throwing me off my game. 

“I’ll leave if it’s distracting or whatever,” she said, confusion on her face as well. 

“I’m not trying to be an ass,” I said defensively. 

“You want to see me late night on the bus, but not backstage, got it,” she nodded, a wry look on her face.

“Stay, watch the show, I just...I have to go get ready,” I shook my head, trying to explain without putting my foot in my mouth. 

“Break a leg, superstar,” Tay gave me a half smile as I pushed off the wall and headed over to where Rian and Zack were standing. I saw Taylor walk back over where Jack was from the corner of my eye. The guys shot me a questioning look but I didn’t respond, taking a deep breath and focusing on the stage in front of me. 

…

I watched the guys run onstage. The opening bars of Damned If I Do Ya, Damned If I Don’t played and the crowd immediately danced along to the beat. Alex turned around to play a few chords on his guitar and caught my eye. It was like a completely different person looked at me. Some sort of switch had flipped, and every inch of him was tight with energy. He turned back to the crowd and it was clear they had his full attention. 

Of course I had seen All Time Low perform while we were on tour in the UK. I knew that they drew big, energetic crowds. It was interesting to see them in this setting where the fans in the crowd hadn’t come just to see All Time Low. Alex sang like he had something to prove, belting his heart out in ways I hadn’t heard. Jack danced and bounced all over the stage. Zack and Rian were even-keeled as always, but even they were full of excitement. 

Three songs went by and I realized I had barely taken my eyes off Alex the entire time. Fans cheered next to me and the crew were moving around backstage but he was all I could focus on. The realization hit me hard. I quickly moved away from the stage, turning and heading where I couldn’t see Alex anymore. 

He was a jerk. He had broken my trust and played me. He never cared about me the way I thought he did. Worst of all, he seemed to be able to turn on that charm and turn it off whenever he felt like it. Earlier today, singing together onstage, I could have sworn he felt the same way I did. It was clear when I showed up here that I was kidding myself.

I walked away from their stage as quickly as I could, ignoring the fans screaming Alex’s name. 

....

Another night at the bars pretending that I wasn’t bothered by Alex across the room. He hadn’t said hi when he arrived an hour ago; I wasn’t desperate enough to be the first to break the silence. I didn’t want to ask if he had noticed that I left their show early. 

I saw him go up to the bar just as I finished my beer. It was a lame excuse but I felt like I was going crazy avoiding him, so I walked up to the bar as well. I made sure to stand a few feet away though, acting like I hadn’t seen him. 

“You didn’t stay for the show,” Alex said from behind me a minute later. I spun around.

“I watched a few songs,” I shrugged.

“Didn’t like it?” He raised an eyebrow.

“I was hoping for more choreography- it is a boy band, after all,” I smirked.

“That’s a weak excuse if I’ve ever heard one,” he gave me a hard look.

“You made it clear you didn’t want me there, so I left,” I crossed my arms, tired of playing this game already. 

“Tay, you know how it is before you go onstage….it’s nothing personal, I swear,” he said softly. 

“I’m not a jerk before I perform,” I shot back at him. 

“Look, it’s hard to explain, but I just want to get in a certain headspace before playing crowds that size,” Alex said and I immediately bristled.

“Crowds of  _ that size? _ Right, I would have no idea what that’s like,” I rolled my eyes and pushed off the bar, ready to walk away from this conversation.

“Wait, Tay,” Alex grabbed my arm, stopping me so we were only inches from each other.

“What, have another insult for me?” I narrowed my eyes at me.

“I’m sorry, I’m a jackass and cannot stop putting my foot in my mouth today.Come over later, let me make it up to you,” He said in a low voice in my ear. Shivers ran down my spine. 

“Fine, you better put that mouth to better use,” I teased him before walking away. 

_ Back myself into a corner once again _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took so long, hit some writer's block but we're back!  
> This video gave me so much nostalgia, and inspired this chapter. Bonus point to anyone who spots Tay :) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdCAsY10RMQ


	31. Chapter 31

The rumble of the bus comforted me as I lay in my bunk, listening to the world rolling past us. My notebook was open, lyrics and rambling thoughts scattered across the pages. I occasionally added to it, but I didn’t have a specific song in mind. Sometimes it was helpful to jot down whatever came to me and see what sticks a few days later. 

It was early for me to be awake. We wouldn’t be at the venue for at least another hour, maybe more. I didn’t have to be anywhere until going to sing Kiss Me Again, which wasn’t until mid-afternoon. I was trying my best to enjoy a moment of quiet; really my head was spinning too much for me to get any sleep.

Every time we finish writing one album, I start a new notebook for songwriting. It helps me clear my head, and try and focus on new ideas instead of revisiting old ones we may have just written about in the previous album. I couldn’t help but flip back to one of the very first pages of this notebook, to a song I was working on at the start of the UK tour. I was in the thick of my breakup with Lisa and feeling incredibly sorry for myself. Part of me chuckled at the melodrama of the song; part of me ached as I remembered how real that pain was. 

My writing turned lighter a few pages later. It clearly corresponded with Taylor becoming a bigger and bigger part of my life. I sighed as I noted the happy lines along with the frustrated and confused lines. My memory of that tour was that we were so happy- maybe I had misremembered everything about our relationship. 

This time I couldn’t blame alcohol or loneliness or boredom. There was really no excuse for it, beyond my nagging curiosity. All my relationships seemed to go in this familiar circle, time and time again. 

_ I have a question for you.  _

I sent the text and rolled over in my bunk, nervously waiting for a response. Part of me worried it was too early to get a response, until I remembered that most people didn’t sleep until 1 pm like I do. 

A few minutes passed slowly until I felt my phone buzz.

_ Shoot.  _

I rewrote the question a few times before I settled on how I wanted to word it. 

_ Would you ever trust me again? _

My heartbeat was racing as I hit send. Despite the quiet noises of my bandmates sleeping surrounding me, anxiety was coursing through me. I hated having these kinds of conversations via text, but honestly wasn’t quite sure what else to do. 

_ Can I call you? _

The response took me by surprise. 

_ Sure. _

Carefully, I climbed out of my bunk and went into the back lounge. I didn’t want to wake any of the guys with my conversation, and frankly didn’t want them to overhear it either. 

Lisa’s name lit up my phone only a minute late.

“Hey,” I answered quietly, aware of everyone sleeping nearby.

“Hey yourself, what kind of question is that?” She didn’t waste time with small talk. 

“I just...I know I messed things up between us in lots of ways. I guess I was just thinking about if there was any way to ever repair trust between two people, specifically with me, after I’ve screwed up,” I ran my hand through my hair, trying to explain where my thoughts had wandered. 

“Alex, we broke up because I couldn’t trust you on tour, I don’t know what else to tell you,” I could almost hear her shaking her head through the phone. 

“Look, I know it’s a weird question, you don’t have to give me an answer,” I offered.

“This isn’t about us, is it?” she asked suspiciously. 

“I don’t want to make things weird but...it's not about us. I broke someone else’s trust, and am wondering if I can ever fix those mistakes I’ve made or if it’s just gone forever,” I said slowly. 

“Well, what did you do?” 

“You and I went to that wedding together.”

“Oh.  _ Oh.  _ Were you seeing someone else then?” She asked, realization dawning on her.

“We weren’t officially together but...yeah,” I tried to defend myself, but I heard her huff of indignation at that. 

“That’s a lame excuse. That also explains why you put me in the guest room that night. I wondered about that,” she chuckled.

“C’mon, you know I wouldn’t take advantage of you when you’re too drunk,” I said, mildly offended at what she implied.

“I know you wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt me, Alex- at least, nothing like that. But normally you would rather sleep next to me than in different beds, given the opportunity, even if it was innocent,” she mused.

“We broke up, we aren’t supposed to do that anymore,” I reminded her.

“Obviously, but it wouldn’t be the first time,” she shot back at me. I was immediately reminded of other times we had broken up, and how we had always ended up back together whether we intended to or not.

“You’re not wrong,” I chuckled.

“Anyway, I think I answered your question without really meaning to. I trust you in a lot of ways- you’ve always been there for me in my worst moments and have always taken care of me. You also cheated on me and broke my heart, but if I’m being honest, I think you’ll always be the first person I want there when something goes wrong. If that’s not trust, I don’t know what is,” she explained, and a small smile came over my face.

“Thanks, Lisa,” I said

“Now go fix your mess, and do a better job than you did with me,” she said in a light tone, but I knew there was truth behind her words.

“I’ll do my best,” I smiled before hanging up.

Part of me expected this conversation to leave me feeling gutted, my own self-inflicted punishment. Yet, I somehow felt lighter than I had an hour ago. I couldn’t explain it, but I wasn’t going to question it. 

_ Keep forgetting to remember _

_ Where we’ve been is who we are _


	32. Chapter 32

“Damn it, Rian, this music sucks!”

Jack continued to heckle Rian as he searched for a song to please everyone. The guys all laughed at the running joke among the band members that Rian had the worst music taste. I took a long sip of wine and chuckled to myself. Alex sat next to me, his arm around the back of the couch positioned so his hand would occasionally brush my shoulder.

It was a Tuesday night and I was hanging out on All Time Low’s bus. Everyone seemed in a generally good mood, even Alex which was surprising. We had been so hot and cold the last week or so, I hadn’t expected his text to come over and drink with them tonight. My band mates were deep into video games so I decided to come over. I was glad I did. 

“Taylor, will you please explain to these guys that John Mayer is the ultimate music for romance and therefore should not be deleted from my iPod?” Rian pleaded with me. 

“Oh god, I do not need the mental image of you and Cassadee getting down to Your Body Is A Wonderland,” I shook my head, earning laughs from everyone else. 

“This is exactly why the rest of you are single,” Rian teased, and I felt Alex tense up beside me. Rian glanced our way a moment later, realizing he had made things awkward for us. 

“Taylor, what is Alex’s preferred music to seduce you?” Jack turned to us and I felt my cheeks turn bright red. Alex raised an eyebrow at me but said nothing, silently daring me to say something embarrassing. 

“He mostly sings All Time Low songs to me himself, it makes me want to shut him up so much that I don’t even mind kissing him,” I stuck my tongue out at Alex and the guys all cracked up.

“In my defense, I’ve had several girls ask me to do that in bed before,” Alex objected, and everyone else instantly laid into him.

“Wow, that was the douchiest thing you’ve ever said,” Jack raised an eyebrow at him.

“Jack, I’ve walked in on you playing your guitar for groupies you brought back to the bus. How is that any different?” Zach asked. 

“Because I actually have talent,” Jack shrugged.

“I wouldn’t go that far,” I mumbled, taking a sip of my wine and feeling Alex suppressing a laugh next to me. 

“Let’s get out of here,” Alex leaned over and whispered. 

“I’m not trying to go hookup in the back while everyone is here hanging out,” I shot him a disapproving look. 

“No, I meant let’s take a walk, get off this bus and away from these idiots,” he smiled as he glanced over at his bandmates. 

“Sure,” I finished what was left of my wine, and we both stood up.

“I’m sorry, did we ruin the mood for you two?” Jack teased us as we headed towards the door. 

“We’ll be back in a little bit, try not to burn the bus down,” Alex called over his shoulder as we left the bus. 

His fingers gently interlaced with mine as we began to walk aimlessly. The night was still warm, despite the sun having set some time ago. I could see the fairgrounds were still lit up; the crew was taking apart the stages and loading them on truck before we left for the night. 

“Sometimes, I remember being seventeen and recording our first album, only daring to dream it would lead to anything at all. I still remember the first show we played to 100 people. Now, our crowds are in the thousands, sometimes more. If I had told that seventeen year old kid what was coming...I don’t think I would have believed myself,” Alex mused as we walked past some of the stages coming apart.

“We used to play in bars to a dozen people if we were lucky. Of course we’ve opened for much larger bands now, but this tour...it’s crazy that people go out of their way to come see us. There have been so many times I didn’t think this would ever happen for us,” I nodded in agreement. 

“Is this, a career in music, everything you ever wanted?” He asked, no hint of judgement in his voice.

“I don’t know. The foolish part of me wishes we were already selling out stadiums and having number one singles on the radio. The last few years of working my ass off have proven that doesn’t happen overnight, despite the stories. This career is constant travel, constant selling yourself, nearly no routine or set course for you to take. I don’t always love that. But I can’t imagine not making music, and I can’t imagine sitting at a desk somewhere for eight hours a day so I guess it’s what I want,” I rambled for a while, trying to put together my thoughts. Once we put our first record, it had been full steam ahead to sell albums and promote the band. I hadn’t thought much about if this was something I actually wanted.

“Having never known anything else...no, I don’t think I would like to settle down with a white picket fence or steady job any time soon,” he nodded. 

“You never thought about college? Or anything else?” I asked.  
“My parents begged me too, really wanted me to study law or finance or something practical. I asked for a gap year between high school and college to go tour and see if this All Time Low thing had any legs. We started to record our second album that year, and things took off from there,” he explained.

“Tell me what your dreams are now,” I said as we reached the largest stage at the grounds. Only the headliners played here- even All Time Low wasn’t playing this stage.

“To run away and never grow up,” he said in a joking voice.

“Isn’t that exactly what touring is?” I pointed out.

“Touche. We do leave home with our friends and act like we’re stupid eighteen year olds most nights,” he smirked. 

“What would eighteen year old Alex be doing right now if he was here instead of twenty five year old Alex?” I teased him. 

“Trying to hook up with you behind one of these buses, or completely ignoring you while getting hammered with the band,” he shook his head, chuckling at himself. 

“Sounds like a real charmer,” I laughed.

“I was...kind of an asshole back in the day,” he shrugged.

“Back in the day?” I said, implying that hadn’t changed.

“Okay, okay...I’m still an asshole. Happy?” He squeezed my hand.

“Yes. But you didn’t really answer my question,” I reminded him. I couldn’t help but want to dig deeper, to try and figure out what makes him tick beyond booze and singing. 

“I guess...my dream is making great music, surrounded by great people, having lots of fun and traveling the world. So what I do now, but getting to do that forever,” he seemed lost for words.

“Lame, your dream is already true,” I stuck my tongue out at him.

“Alright, what’s your dream?” 

“I’ll settle with just being able to make a living with this career first,” I sighed. 

“I thought you said sales were up,” he looked at me confused.

“We’re barely making enough to cover the expenses of being on tour. I’m going to go home broke in September,” I shook my head, my voice dropping to a whisper as I admitted what I had been keeping from him all this time. 

“Let’s run away,” Alex said suddenly, breaking me out of the self-pity I was starting to fall into.

“What?”  
“We’ll run away, we’ll go live on a farm somewhere and just play music all day, and hang out with some horses or something. I don’t know, this is obviously a half baked idea,” he laughed at himself.

“Okay,” I said, coming to a stop and pulling Alex to stop walking with me.

“What?” He stopped and looked down at me, only a few inches from me.

“You want to run away, let’s do it. Just give me the signal and we’ll activate the getaway plan,” I laughed. His eyes sparkled as he looked down on me. 

“What’s the signal?” He moved closer so our noses were nearly touching. I stood up on my tiptoes to give him a quick kiss.

“See, now that’s going to be confusing, because I plan to do that a lot before we run away,” he said in a low voice, leaning down for another kiss.

“Alright, the signal is a bird whistle,” I laughed, demonstrating the whistle. 

“Better be on the lookout, it could come at any moment,” he warned.

“I’ll be waiting,” I smiled and gave him one more kiss.

“Come on, let’s go get some more wine,” he grabbed my hand again and we headed back towards the bus. 

_ We’ll start a life of the plain and the simple _

_ Of great times with far better people _


	33. Chapter 33

Tears threatened to stream down my face as I watched Jack take a shot of whiskey and chase it with barbeque sauce. Rian was cheering him on, and Zack was shaking his head despite laughing hysterically. I grabbed my phone and took a quick video of it on Snapchat. In typical Jack fashion, after finishing the barbeque sauce he immediately shouted “another one!” 

We were pregaming on the bus before heading over to a party at Pierce the Veil’s bus. Of course that included shots and some kind of shenanigans. We were all in a good mood tonight and ready to cut loose-the bus call wasn’t until 4 am so we had lots of time to hang out. 

I sent off the snap chat to a handful of friends, and saw Lisa’s name on my recent list. We had begun to chat a little bit again since our phone call. It was mostly boring friendly stuff- sending pictures of her dogs or funny things happening on tour. It was nice that things felt normal between us. I had carried so much guilt about how things ended, it was a huge weight off my shoulders. 

_ Wow, some things really never change  _ Lisa wrote back in response to my video. I couldn’t help but smirk as I remembered nights where she had joined us pregaming. 

_ Let’s just hope it’s not as bad of a night as Halloween two years ago…  _ I responded. 

_ Oh my god, I almost DIED that night from all the shots Jack gave me!  _ She quickly typed back.

_ You were pretty wild that night ;)  _ I couldn’t help but think of how things had ended when we finally got home to my place. 

_ Try not to get too wild tonight ;)  _ Lisa sent back. I smiled to myself, but was quickly distracted by Rian shoving a drink in my hand and insisting it was my turn for a shot. I downed the drink and grinned at the guys, ready for a fun night. 

…

“Alright, one more cup and we win,” Jack rubbed my shoulders like he was warming me up for a boxing match. We were playing beer pong together, and had only one cup left before we finished the game. Taylor stood to the side of the table, sipping a cup of beer and shooting me a look that made me feel invincible. 

“Don’t put too much pressure on me,” I protested. 

“It’s like- dropping the first single off a new album, or opening night of a tour. No pressure at all,” Jack teased as he let go of my shoulders.

“Alright, calm down over there,” I chuckled. My vision was a little blurry from the alcohol, but I took a deep breath and lined up my shot. It landed perfectly in the cup, and Jack immediately went wild, jumping on me and cheering. Taylor shot me a wide smile and I felt like I was on top of the world. 

I headed over to the cooler to grab myself another beer when I felt someone come up behind me. I turned and saw it was Taylor who was standing close. 

“Nice game,” she said, a coy look on her face. 

“Thanks, but I couldn’t have done it without my good luck charm,” I winked at her. 

“Well I have a surprise for you,” she said softly, glancing around at our friend to see who was watching us. 

“Oh yeah?”

“You want to get out of here?” She raised her brows at me and my adrenaline instantly began to rush. 

“With you, always,” I smiled. She grabbed my hand and pulled me around to the side of a bus, out of view of everyone. 

I couldn’t help but stop her and walk her backwards so she was pushed against the wall as I kissed her, slowly and deeply. When I pulled back she was blushing, and I grinned, loving the effect I had on her. 

“Your bus or mine?’ I asked.

“I have something better,” she resumed leading me away from the party.

“Tay, what is this?” I asked as we headed further out in the parking lot towards a row of white vans. Vans like this were used to move equipment or by bands not staying in tour busses.

“Look what I have,” she turned towards me and pulled keys out of her pocket. 

“Car keys?” I was confused.

“ _ Van  _ keys. I borrowed our equipment van earlier to run some errands- Jake doesn’t need them back until we leave at 4. I thought it might be a little more...private than either of our buses,” she smirked at me, and I immediately forgot about everything else but her and those car keys. 

“Then what are we waiting for,” I leaned down to give her a quick kiss but didn’t stall long. 

I let Taylor lead me through the row to the right van. She opened it quickly and pulled me into the backseat with her, shutting the door behind us. She was right- it was more private out here, surrounded by nothing but empty cars. You couldn’t hear the sound of any of the parties taking place around the parking lot. It was the first time in months we had truly been alone together, without the threat of bandmates walking in on us. 

She lay on top of my chest and I wrapped my arms around her, kissing her deeply once more. Her hands found their way to my hair and I trailed my fingers down her back. I found the edge of her shirt and slipped my hands under it, slowly pulling it up and savoring the feel of her bare skin. I pulled it over her head, leaving her in just her shirt, and she quickly returned the favor for me. Taylor’s hands traveled down my arms and back up my stomach. I leaned over to kiss her neck and give her a soft bite as her hands traveled down to my waistline.

“Have I told you how sexy you are recently?” I said, nearly out of breath as her hands traveled up my thighs. 

“Yes, but I never mind hearing it again,” she teased as her fingers dipped just inside of my jeans.

“You...are...so sexy,” I whispered as I kissed up to nibble on her ear. I felt her shiver on top of me. 

She struggled with my zipper, and I quickly gave her hand and slipped off my jeans. I could barely think as her hand brushed against my crotch. My hands reached around her back, getting her bra off as quickly as I could. Her mouth against my neck made it hard to focus on the thin, lacy garment, but after a moment it fell to the floor of the car as well. 

All I could think about was the feel of her skin against mine, and getting as close to her as I could. The chemistry between us was explosive, and I knew that Taylor was as hypnotized by it as I was. Every touch was magnetic. I couldn’t get enough. 

“Alex, I’m sweating,” Taylor nearly panted.

“You’re fine,” I whispered, barely noticing the sweat covering my own body. 

“I’m going to roll down the windows,” She pulled away from me, climbing up to the front seat for a minute.I blinked, looking around and realizing we had completely fogged up the windows in only a matter of minutes. 

Taylor turned on the engine and cracked the front windows, letting a breeze into the car that gave me goosebumps. The radio began to blare, loud pop music blasting on the speakers. Taylor jumped in surprise, and began to laugh at herself. I saw her reach over to turn it down, and I sat up and grabbed her hand. 

“I like this song,” I said, giving her hand a quick kiss and pulling her back towards me. She rolled her eyes at me but didn’t protest, and was soon on top of me. Taylor began to trail kisses down my neck, and then down my chest. 

“Tay,” I half moaned. Her kisses stopped just below my belly button, and she grinned up at me. 

“I have another surprise,” she smirked before pulling down my boxers and continuing her trail of kisses. I leaned back, closing my eyes and letting myself get lost in the moment .

_ You’re salty like a summer day _

_ Kiss the sweat away to your radio  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, I just want to say I've written over 100 pages of this story. What!? That is crazy! Second, I apologize for the delay. I know how I want to finish this (yes, unfortunately we are heading towards the end, maybe another 10-12 chapters?) and I've written a bunch of it but was trying to figure out exactly how I wanted to structure this to wrap this up. Hopefully this steamy chapter makes up for the wait. Thanks for all your comments and support! You guys make writing this so fun!


	34. Chapter 34

I couldn’t help but sigh as I looked over our merchandise laid out on our table by our tent. We had ordered a bunch of new stuff when the album first came out, but that was over a year ago now. I was honestly kind of tired of the t-shirts and stickers we had, but I knew we wouldn’t get more until we sold most of these. My stomach grumbled- I also knew I wouldn't be getting dinner tonight if we didn’t sell more of these.

“Hey, how’s it going?” I plastered on my biggest smile as a couple of fans came up to the booth. 

They asked us a million questions, and even wanted a photo with Jordan and I. They picked up a sticker for $5 and after twenty minutes at our table they were gone. Another big sigh came once they were out of earshot. I loved meeting our fans- really. It still gave me such a rush of gratitude whenever someone said they liked our songs or enjoyed the show. It was surreal that anyone cared about what I wrote and sang. 

Money was still tight though. I knew that spending lots of time with fans who weren’t buying things wasn’t a productive use of time. We didn’t get paid for being on this tour, so we had to earn our keep through merch and album sales, and so far we were losing money. 

“I’m going to grab a water, need anything?” I asked Jordan as I headed back towards our bus. 

“No, but don’t take too long- you know you’re the one everyone wants to see,” he reminded me.

“You’re the better salesperson though,” I pointed out before hurrying away from the tent.

Our bus was empty, the other guys out for the afternoon. I opened up the fridge and fought the urge to sigh yet again. It was pathetically empty. I grabbed a water bottle and took a look in our cabinets. Luckily one granola bar was left for me, but beyond a few packages of ramen it was pretty empty. I checked another cabinet- full of cheap booze. At least we were never on low supply of that. 

“Looks like we’re drinking dinner again tonight,” I mumbled to Jordan as I took a bite of my granola bar back at the table. 

“I thought you went shopping a few days ago?” He asked.

“Yeah, and feeding all of you takes a lot of food,” I said defensively. We had been taking turns doing grocery runs, all paying out of pocket. The food always went too quickly though. 

Another few fans stopped by, and the same routine played out. Everyone had kind words and compliments to give us on our set and our music, but few were buying anything. The afternoon passed slowly as the sun set, and I knew the headliners would be starting soon. We packed up the table, ready to do this all again tomorrow. 

Back at the bus, I retreated into my bunk. Some days it was too exhausting mustering up the energy to perform and put on a happy face to everyone out on the tour. I couldn’t help but feeling like giving up sometimes. I knew we only had another few weeks of this before going home, and I should be savoring every second. 

Rolling over, I stared up at the pictures I had hung in my bunk. Most of them were pictures of the band, and pictures of my family from back home. There was a great shot from the night we shot the Kiss Me Again video with so many of our friends from home. Everyone looks trashed, and even though I felt so sick I somehow managed to look happy here. 

Alex had taken that picture. 

I had forgotten about that until staring at the picture right now- how he had offered to get the big group shot for us. He had made some stupid joke before snapping the picture- that’s probably why I was smiling here. My stomach turned.

Why did he still have the power over me to ruin what should be a happy memory? 

My stomach twisted again and I shut my eyes. This was a familiar emotional roller coaster. Some days Alex was everything I wanted. Other days I wished I had never met him. Most days was this horrible mix with no idea how I really felt. Usually I was strong willed- stubborn even- about anything I wanted. The problem now was not knowing what I wanted.

My head was full of thoughts of all the times Alex had treated me wrong. How could I forget about the times he lied? How could I overlook how he had used other women in the past with no concern for what they wanted? Was I so stupid as to ignore the giant red flags waving in my face? Did it really only take a quick grin and cheesy joke for me to forget all my morals and how I deserved to be treated?

My heart gave a strong counter argument. There was no denying how he made me feel- I wanted him to hold my hand and kiss my neck and lay next to me every night. We shared the same passions, and were both passionate people. I loved that things were never boring, and that we pushed and challenged each other. He was the one I wanted when I was having a good day and the one I wanted when everything was going wrong. 

Love shouldn’t be this hard, should it? My head shouts back at me that when you are with the right person, you don’t have to fight for their attention or hold your breath and pray he will smile at you. The right guy should make you feel wanted and never make you doubt how he feels about you. I knew that I didn’t want anything less in a relationship. 

We used to be like that though. For a few short, blissful months I felt safe with Alex, and wanted by Alex. God, I wanted that feeling back so badly. But how could I forget that he lied to me? How could I forget that what we had was never even serious in his eyes? It felt like he had been playing me all along- and somehow still knew exactly which buttons to push. 

It was easy to fall back into how we had been in the UK together. It felt so natural and right that I found myself doing it without meaning to. Part of me wanted to be stronger than that, to fight my emotions and stand my ground. Part of me wanted to give in to the only thing in my life that made me feel good- even if I knew it was wrong. 

I should stop seeing him, stop clouding my judgement with the feel of his skin on mine and the glint in his eye from across the room. I told myself this every day- every morning that I woke up in his bunk with him, I promised myself just one last kiss and it was done. Until the next time when I promised myself this would be the last time too. All it did was leave me lying in my bunk, questioning every one of my choices. 

_ Come have some wine with me? _

Perfect timing, as usual, the text came from Alex. It’s almost like he knew I was lying here trying to convince myself to give him up. 

I set down my phone, determined to ignore the text. I would hang out with my band mates tonight. I wouldn’t do anything I would regret. 

My stomach growled angrily, and I remembered there was barely any food in our kitchen. I had less than $100 in my bank account. All the new songs I slaved over would continue to sit in my notebook under my pillow for months, maybe years before I got to record them- if ever. Maybe the record label would drop us completely, write us off as a failed band. 

_ And pizza?  _ I texted back to Alex, immediately full of self-loathing. 

_ Deal. Large pepperoni will be here in 25 minutes, hurry over here before Jack eats it all,  _ came the reply from Alex five minutes later. I chuckled at the joke about Jack. Taking a deep breath, I pulled myself out of my bunk. 

Fuck it. We were only on tour another month. I knew this wasn’t going to end well, but what’s the worst that could happen? 

_ You know that admitting the problem is the first step _

_ Towards repair, "We all recover" _

_ Say the friends turned to wine-drunk lovers _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My boyfriend and I were "friends with benefits" kinda thing for a year and a half before we got together, so writing this chapter really took my down memory lane


	35. Chapter 35

“Rian, that was awesome, but add a little more punch before the chorus,” I said through the speakers. He gave me a grin and a nod before our producer began to count him in again. I closed my eyes to concentrate on the beat and tried not to smile to myself.

We were in the studio working on the next album. There was a break in tour so we got back to Baltimore as fast as possible to put in some more time in the studio. We had been recording individual parts throughout the tour whenever we could find some studio time, but we hadn’t all been together and with our producer, Mike, for over a month. It was great to hear things coming together, and also great to have everyone here to make changes where necessary. 

Our last album had been a little more...experimental. I had always liked pop music, and I had to admit the ideal of broad mass market appeal was enticing to me. We had plenty of success in the alternative space, but trying to tackle the mainstream charts seemed like the next challenge for us. I had tried my best on Dirty Work to do just that, and ended up pissing off a lot of our fans. I wouldn’t ever apologize for my creative choices, but this album I didn’t want to push the limits. I wanted to do what came naturally. So far, everything I had written had been just for me. Just for us. The guys were loving the sound, and I was really pleased with how it was coming together. 

“It’s fitting we get to finish production on For Baltimore while we are in Baltimore,” Zack smirked at his own bad joke. He was sitting next to me at the soundboard, always fascinated by the process of bringing a song together. 

“Can you imagine how wild the shows are going to be when we play this live in Baltimore? It’s going to be sick,” Jack day dreamed from where he was sprawled on the couch. 

“We could change that lyric to whatever city we’re playing in, I’m sure fans would freak out,” Zack suggested. 

“No,” I said quickly. I could feel both guys staring at me in surprise. “It’s just- that song was written about a night spent in Baltimore. It wouldn’t make any sense singing ‘For Chicago’ or ‘For Miami.’”

“Whatever you say, it’s your song,” Jack shrugged, trying to brush off how intense I had gotten. He never cared much about the meaning of lyrics or process of songwriting- he just loved to play fun music and perform for a crowd. 

“I am impressed how quickly you guys have put this album together,” our producer Mike commented. 

“Alex is a writing machine,” Zack complimented me. 

“Not entirely true- I’ve just been inspired recently,” I tried to downplay it. 

“He means he’s been seeing a new girl recently,” Jack chimed in and I shot him a death glare. 

“Is that how this works?” Mike chuckled. 

“Taylor did not inspire all of these songs,” I rolled my eyes. 

“Nobody said it was Taylor who you were inspired by,” Jack teased me, and immediately everyone began to laugh as I turned red. 

It was true that not everything on this album was about Taylor- some of it was about Lisa or other things going on with the band. Yet...these songs made me think of Tay. I had known her while writing pretty much all of them, had written these wondering how she would like them. 

It hit me like a truck that we would spend the next year touring these songs that were all connected to this girl- and she may not be there for it. 

“Have we figured out our touring schedule after this release in October?” I asked.

“You would have to ask our manager, I’m sure they have stuff lined up but I pretty much just go where they tell me,” Zack shrugged. 

“It would be cool to help pick our openers if we’re headlining another tour for this album,” I mused. Jack shot me an incredulous look. 

“Sometimes you are an absolute piece of work Alex,” Jack shook his head at me. 

“What?” I said defensively. 

“You’re more focused on how to spend time with your new girlfriend than you are about this new album we’re making. She has seriously gotten in your head,” he raised an eyebrow at me. My face turned even more red. 

“Taylor is not my girlfriend,” I objected.

“That’s not how it seems to the rest of us,” Zack mumbled and I shot him a look. 

“Hey, we’re happy you’re happy, but can you please focus on putting out a kick ass album?” Jack crossed his arms, and I turned away from him. 

I did my best to focus on Rian’s drumming again, but everyone was right- my mind was elsewhere. Taylor was home in New York seeing her family for the two day break. I wanted to make an excuse, leave the studio, and call her. I wanted to ask her to come on tour with us when this new album drops, and tell her all about the role she played in creating this music even if she had no idea. 

A small voice in my head reminded me that the last time I had let Taylor in, she left without a word and crushed me. A louder voice pointed out that I didn’t have any control over our tour schedule and offering that without backing it up would be irresponsible. So I stayed inside the studio, trying to focus on creating something magical. 

…

Everyone was full of fresh energy when we arrived back at Warped Tour. We all had a chance to do some laundry, sleep in our own beds, and recover from the first half of the tour. There were only a few weeks left, and I knew it would be a whirlwind of performing and finishing the album. The guys were all scheming big parties and plans for how to enjoy the rest of the summer- I only had one thing in mind. 

Without saying a word, I left our bus and headed to We Are The In Crowd’s bus. I hadn’t talked to Taylor much over the break- we had both been so busy that we only exchanged a handful of texts. Butterflies crept into my stomach as I got closer and anticipation of seeing her grew. 

I opened the door without knocking, without thinking really. Loud voices greeted me as I walked up the steps into the living room. It looked like most of the band was hanging around, catching up and laughing about some joke. Taylor nearly froze when she saw me standing there.

“Hey,” was all I said to the surprised looks on everyone’s faces.

“What’s up?” Taylor asked, quickly jumping out of her seat. 

“Making the rounds, saying hi to everyone,” I shrugged, quickly trying to cover up the fact I had barely said hello to my own bandmates, let alone anyone else on the tour. 

“Aw, you missed us Alex?” Rob joked, and everyone laughed.

“More than you know,” I said sarcastically, but caught Taylor’s eye. She knew I wasn’t joking. 

“I was about to head over to our stage and make sure all our equipment arrived in one piece, I can walk with you on your welcome back tour,” Taylor said and I couldn’t help but smile.

“Sounds good. Great to see you guys,” I said a quick goodbye as the two of us headed off the bus. 

“What are you really doing here?” Taylor raised an eyebrow at me and crossed her arms as soon as we were off the bus and alone. 

“I wanted to see you,” I put my hands on her hips and pulled her closer to me. 

“You are so cheesy,” She rolled her eyes. 

Ignoring her comment, I leaned in and kissed her. She didn’t object, and slowly uncrossed her arms to put her hands on my chest as I deepened the kiss. 

“Maybe I did miss you,” I said quietly when I broke the kiss.

“Don’t get too sentimental on me. I really do need to go check the equipment,” she took a step back from me, but I could tell by the glimmer in her eye that she felt the same. 

“I can come with you,” I said, starting to walk towards the stages.

“What about the other bands you were stopping by to see?” She asked.

“There weren’t any others,” I shrugged, and I could see her blush. Smiling to myself, I took her hand and we took off together. 

_ Collisions of a finer love, I'd kill for one more way _

_ To tell you how you make me better every day _


	36. Chapter 36

Sweat was dripping down my back as we finished our set. It was a gorgeous summer day and we had a bigger crowd than usual. I could tell that Cameron was in a bad mood from the mistakes he had made on several songs- despite putting on a show for the crowd I knew his body language well enough to know he wasn’t happy with his performance. Jordan shot me a look after our last song that usually meant let’s play one more. I quickly thanked the fans and got offstage though, not wanting to aggravate Cameron’s bad mood.

Alex was waiting for us backstage. At the start of the tour he had left after Kiss Me Again, but these days he was hanging around more often. I could tell the guys were getting a little suspicious that he was around more and more. 

“Great job,” He smiled at all of us as we came offstage. 

“Rob, you messed up the beat in Rumor Mill and completely threw me off,” Cameron immediately complained. 

“His rhythm was fine, don’t take your mistakes out on him,” Mike jumped in to defend Rob. 

“No one could tell you messed anything up,” Alex offered and Cameron shot him a glare. I knew that when Cameron was in this mood the best thing to do was keep your distance. 

“I wasn’t talking to you,” Cameron snarled. I rolled my eyes, stepping between them. 

“Relax, Cam, you only threw me off key twice so nothing to worry about,” I teased him, and he narrowed his eyes at me. 

“Why are you even back here? Doesn’t your own set start in an hour?” Cameron returned his harsh gaze to Alex. 

“Uh, just wanted to talk to Tay about the harmony in Kiss Me Again,” Alex stumbled over his words, clearly not prepared for that question. 

“You two have sung this together like a hundred times now,” Cameron pointed out.

“This isn’t an interrogation, Alex is allowed to hang out back here if he wants- don’t forget he is doing us a favor performing with us. We can practice those harmonies if you’d like,” I offered to Alex, doing my best to broker the peace between everyone. 

“Yeah, I guess I’ll just text you later and we can find some time,” he nodded at me, locking eyes briefly. I could tell he had something on his mind but I didn’t want to push the conversation right now. 

Cameron muttered something under his breath before walking away from the conversation. I shot Alex a pleading look before turning after him. The rest of the band was doing their best to pretend they weren’t watching me as I followed Cameron over to where he had grabbed a water.

“I know you’re frustrated with your performance but you don’t have to be a jerk,” I crossed my arms.

“You have lost your mind if you’re standing here saying I’m the jerk,” he shook his head, and his gaze traveled towards Alex walking away. 

“I thought you’re just mad about how the show went,” I was confused by his response. 

“Obviously I’m not thrilled with how I played, but the last thing I want after having a bad show is to come backstage and have that guy trying to be friendly,” Cameron rolled his eyes. 

“Wow- “ _ that guy”? _ Cam, he is a friend of the band, what are you talking about?” I was nearly speechless. 

“Taylor, we all know he fucked you over earlier this summer. Believe it or not we can tell when you’re upset, and it’s no secret you were hurt by him. Now suddenly Alex is always around, or you’re always off somewhere, probably hanging out with him. Don’t expect me to just look the other way like he never did anything wrong,” he argued. 

My head was spinning. I knew that Cameron was protective of me, and had been on his guard with Alex since the start of the summer but this was more aggressive than I had seen before.

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” I stammered, at a loss for words.

“Just tell me- are you back together with Alex?” he crossed his arms.

“No,” I immediately responded.

“So why is he always around?” he pushed.

“I’m not responsible for what Alex does,” I rolled my eyes. 

“Tay, I know we’ve had this fight before. I’m not trying to beat a dead horse. But Alex is a douchebag and you can do a lot better,” Cameron sighed, suddenly looking defeated. His words felt like a punch to the gut. 

“I’m not with him. In fact, we were never really together,” I sigh, letting the truth of those words remind me how clear Alex made it that we weren’t ever exclusive. 

“You spent the entire Kiss Me Again video acting like a real couple though,” he said, clearly still confused. My chest tightened at the memory. 

“Things change,” I shrugged. 

“I’m overreacting here, aren’t I?” Cameron gave me a small smile, clearly trying to call a truce after seeing the look on my face. 

“You’re always overreacting,” I rolled my eyes at him, returning his smile to let him know I forgive his outburst. 

“It’s all Rob’s fault for throwing me off during our set,” he huffed, his anger clearly redirecting towards our band mate instead of me. 

“Maybe you just suck at guitar, did you ever think about that?” I raised my eyebrows at him and earned myself a chuckle out of him. 

“You recruited me into this band, so my lack of talent just reflects poorly on you,” he shot back. 

“Listen, it’s a lot of work carrying this entire band on my back but someone has to do it,” I gave him a gentle elbow to the ribs as I turned and headed back towards everyone else. I was relieved that Cam had seemed to calm down, but couldn’t shake the feeling in my gut that something was wrong. 

_ Sorry about Cam. What did you want to talk about? _

I sent Alex a quick text and prayed he wouldn’t hold this against me. 

_ No problem. I have something I want to show you tonight. Meet at my bus at midnight? _

A smile crept over my face as I agreed to meet up with him. I let the butterflies chase away the doubts that had crept in. 

_ Caution is calling but nobody’s home _


End file.
